A few weird stories

ATLANTA (Reuters) - A Georgia man who drove home with a friend's headless body after a truck accident then went to bed while the remains dangled out the window faces charges including vehicular homicide and drunk driving, police said on Monday.

John Hutcherson, covered in blood and visibly inebriated, was arrested in bed on Sunday morning after a local resident out on a stroll observed a headless, bloody body hanging out of the 21-year-old man's truck, Cobb County police said.

Hutcherson was due to make an initial court appearance on Monday.

Police said that Hutcherson and his friend, identified as Francis Brohm, 23, were returning from a bar outside Atlanta early Sunday morning when their black 1992 Chevrolet Z-71 pickup hit a curb near a telephone pole.

Brohm, partially outside the window at the time, was decapitated by a guide wire on the telephone pole, according to police, who recovered his head at the crash site. "Alcohol is believed to be a contributing factor," police said.

Found here.


Umm...alcohol is BELIEVED to be a contributing factor?? Sherlock Holmes, go check out the state of Georgia and let us know your opinion...

And this just makes me really sad. "Elderly retired school teacher seeks family willing to adopt grandfather. Will pay." I have this strong desire to adopt him into our large, loud Greek family (without pay - that so classless)! I can't even imagine that. My secretary said to me that nothing could ever happen to be b/c my friends and family wouldn't let it, they would take me in and I'd never be alone. I hate to think that some people don't have that same support system.

And it's good to see that since people can't get along, animals can. Breed makes no distinctions for friendship. My heart has warm and fuzzy feelings right now...

Let Them Sing It For You

No, not another post lamenting my failed attempt to be on American Idol. And yes, 'm being obnoxious now with all the posting (it's what happens when you've been at work for 14 hours already). But you seriously HAVE to check out this website. (I'm not even getting paid for encouraging you to do so...)

And for anyone who has this strong desire to hear the song of the Gods, check out It's The End Of The World As We Know It.

And in case you were wondering, yes I AM a big enough dork to like this...

Politics, Religion (assuming Dogma counts as Religion) and TV

Dogma was the absolute best. Following by Chasing Amy. But this just about rocks.

And Kid Rock is a Republican? Why does that surprise me? Don’t get me wrong, he’s that side of sketchy, so it’s not like I wanted to claim him, I just figured that his sketchiness was left of center. Sometimes, I’m glad to be wrong.

I actually think that Checkpoint might be an interesting book. Not that I’m supporting assassination, but the concept itself must be intriguing.

I love how Bush has everyone else do his dirty work for him. First the Swift Boat Veterans, and now his wife. George Bush said "I think his [Kerry’s] service is heroic.I think him going to Vietnam was more heroic than my flying fighter jets. He was in harm's way and I wasn't." Yet his WIFE when asked if the ad by the Swift Boat Veterans was unfair answered: "I don't think so."

Fall television starts today. It’s not even Labor Day. I don’t get it. What is up with that??

Republican National Committee Schedule (Forward)

CONVENTION SCHEDULE
REPUBLICAN NATIONAL COMMITTEE
New York, NY

6:00 PM
Opening Prayer led by the Reverend Jerry Falwell

6:30 PM
Pledge of Allegiance

6:35 PM
Ceremonial Burning of Bill of Rights (excluding 2nd Amendment - Right to bear arms)

6:45 PM
Salute to the Coalition of the Willing

6:46 PM
Seminar #1: Katherine Harris on "Are Elections Really Necessary?"

7:30 PM
Announcement: Lincoln Memorial Renamed for Ronald Reagan

7:35 PM
Trent Lott - "Re-segregation in the 21st Century"

7:40 PM
EPA Address #1: Mercury: It's What's for Dinner

8:00 PM
Vote on which country to invade next

8:15 PM
John Ashcroft Lecture: The Homos Are After Your Children

8:30 PM
Roundtable discussion on reproductive rights (men only)

8:50 PM
Seminar #2: " Corporations: The Government of the Future "

9:00 PM
Condi Rice sings "Can't Help Loving That Man"

9:05 PM
Phyllis Schlafly speaks on "Why Women Shouldn't Be Leaders"

9:10 PM
EPA Address #2: Trees: The Real Cause of Forest Fires

9:30 PM
Break for secret meetings

10:00 PM
Second Prayer led by Cal Thomas

10:15 PM
Karl Rove Lecture: Doublespeak Made Simple

10:30 PM
Rumsfeld Lecture/Demonstration: How to Squint and Talk Macho Even When
You Feel Squishy Inside

10:35 PM
Bush demonstration of trademark "deer in headlights" stare

10:40 PM
John Ashcroft Demonstration: New Mandatory Kevlar Chastity Belt

10:45 PM
GOP's Tribute to Tokenism, featuring Colin Powell &Condi Rice

10:46 PM
Ann Coulter's Tribute to "Joe McCarthy, American Patriot "

10:50 PM
Seminar #3: Education: A Drain on Our Nation's Economy

11:10 PM
Hilary Clinton Piqata

11:20 PM
John Ashcroft Lecture: Evolutionists: A Dangerous New Cult

11:35 PM
Blame Clinton

11:40 PM
Newt Gingrich speaks on "The Sanctity of Marriage"

11:41 PM
Announcement: Ronald Reagan to be added to Mt.Rushmore

11:50 PM
Closing Prayer led by Jesus Himself

12:00 PM
Nomination of George W. Bush as Holy Supreme Planetary Overlord

John Kerry Is A Douchebag (And He's Still A Better Choice Than Dubya)

From Erin comes this hysterical but actually pretty insightful link.

Now, we all know I'm not a fan of the anti-christ. And I don't think that John Kerry is the best that the Democratic Party has to offer. But sinceI'm not old enough to run for office (jk. I would never want to be in politics!) and Howard Dean's scream was overplayed by the media, and Kucinich is such a dork...well, Kerry is still ABB.

Monkey Scribe

Getting to tell an attorney what you really think of them = Well, it could cost one's job, depending on who you sare this information with.

Getting to say the words "monkey scribe" = The reason for living.

Making $195,000 for that privilege = Priceless.

Check http://www.kinsellalaw.com/audio/VoiceMessage.wav for the message. (Not to be listened to if there are little, impressionable children around.)

For the article explaining what's going on in Chicago:

F-bomb-dropping attorney gets worldwide notoriety
August 25, 2004
BY ERIC HERMAN Business Reporter Advertisement

So much for professional courtesy.

A Chicago lawyer's expletive-filled phone message circulating on the Internet is providing fresh evidence to those who say lawyers' standards of behavior are eroding.

In the voice mail, Winston & Strawn associate Ankur Gupta criticizes another lawyer for failing to make changes to a document in a real-estate deal.

"If you send one more f---ing e-mail message again, I can assure you your life on this deal is going to be very unpleasant.. . . Whether you consider it material or not, again, I don't give a flying f---. Make the f---ing change," Gupta said.

Voice mail to e-mail

The message began circulating by e-mail, according to a Web log by Stephan Kinsella, a lawyer in Houston. Kinsella then linked it on his Web site, www.kinsellalaw.com, making it more accessible.

"I felt a little bad, actually, because this guy is probably going to suffer a little bit because of this incident being publicized," Kinsella said.

Gupta did not return a call seeking comment. Winston & Strawn's Web site identifies him as a sixth-year associate with the firm. Winston lawyers at that level earn a base salary of $195,000 a year, according to one legal source.

Winston & Strawn partner Barbara Sessions declined to say if Gupta would be disciplined but said, "we do not condone this type of conduct on any level."

Lack of civility among lawyers has become such a concern to the Illinois Supreme Court that it founded a committee on professionalism in 2001. Last year, the justices began visiting law schools and administering an "Oath of Professionalism" to first-year law students.

Wheaton lawyer David Rolewick, who chairs the Supreme Court committee, called Gupta's message "very offensive, inappropriate and inconsistent with the purposes of the legal community." [Gee, offensive? You think?]

Now, we here at It's The End Of The World As We Know It believe that we should not discriminate against monkeys, who do not deserve to be compared to attorneys. That's a bit over the top, I'd say. They deserve love, compassion, and bananas. Of course, we already know that I have a thing for monkeys.

Pimps and Hos

This is beyond frightening. (A friend sent me the link, I didn't find it on my own. I have no idea how he found it though...) I dressed up as Darth Vader (Dark Lord of the Sith) for Halloween, a hippie, a gypsy (yes, these were two different years) and a homeless person (that's actually bad too. I can't believe my parents let me do that one!) But now we want kids to be not princesses or cartoon characters, but rather pimps and hos? Shame on parents! And shame on corporate America for creating these costumes!

In February, I had a formal black tie costumer party, Jump Back Ball. (It was either black tie or costume. The fun people were in costume.) It is themed - this year the theme was Mobsters and Molls (complete with gambling. It was great fun. I plan to force people to join me next year. I went alone this past year. One of the best events Cleveland puts on, in my opinion.) Anyway, the costumes for the Mobsters and the Molls are probably somewhat similar to the pimps and hos. I am ok with this. Other than being a hypocrite, we are adults. Not childen.

Oh, shame!!

Writing

I love to write. Real old school, pen and paper writing. I love the connection to the paper. I am one with my thoughts. I look at this computer and don’t have the same connection. I start at a blank screen and just see a flashing curser instead of words just begging to be written. A blank computer screen is an undone assignment; a blank sheet of paper is a tragedy. My two cents. And now I feel all curmudgeonly. Like an old woman on a rocker on the porch, "In the good old days..." Blah.

So what’s on my mind today? Or is it in my mind? Anyway, we got our work pictures that we took last week back. My hair was as incorrigible as I expected. Part of me just laughs at it -- I mean, I have a mind of my own, and it appears that b/c of the proximity my hair has to my head, my hair likewise has a mind of its own. Plus it’s at that length where it hits my neck, so it dries sticking out in all angles. It's kinda cool in a "this looks ridiculous" kind of way. I can accept that about myself. The photographer was fit to be tied. Hey, he's just going to airbrush it away anyway. Can you beleive that?! We're a law firm. They are air brushing our pictures. They will air brush loose strands of hair away. They will whiten our teeth (I was told that they didn't necessarily need to whiten my teeth since I don't have cigarette or coffee stains unless I'd feel more comfortable with them doing so. I just gave them a blank look.) They will do something to get rid of the undereye bags. (Too bad they can't do that in real life. But hey, that was the testament to my work scheduled because of the trial, and they want to erase that, like it never happened.) We are not a modeling agency. We are a bunch of lawyer dorks. Why is this necessary? Hire the prettier law firm?? Geesh. We are one of the premiere law firms in this area on the city, and they are concerned with white teeth, hair out of place, and bags under our eyes? How about putting up a chart of our win-loss record? Seems more... relevant... than whether my teeth are white. My mother is simply mortified. "WHY DIDN'T YOU AT LEAST COMB YOUR HAIR!? IT'S STICKING OUT IN EVERY ONE, SOME MORE THAN OTHERS." For the record, my hair was combed. It dried that way. But I'm used to mortifying my mother. I swear, that poor woman just wonders how the hell she bore me. She must think on a daily basis, "I'm so normal. Her father is so normal. Maybe she's adopted??" If only I wasn't her spittin' image...

So, I have purchased my tickets to the Move On/ACT Vote for Change REM concert here in Cleveland on October 2. I also have a wedding that day. My godbrother. I have decided to attend the concert. My mother is (again) not pleased with me. (Are we noticing a theme here?) "You’re thirty years old, Stephanie, I can’t exactly tell you what to do." (Make sure as you read that, you inflect the appropriate mother scorn and disappointment in her voice.) I didn’t feel it was the appropriate time to complain because she was adding two years to my life. I didn’t want her to end my life before I lived those two years.

Part of my job is to feed the Managing Partner. I have no problems with this part of my job; when I clerked for my Judge, I had a similar job. Right now, the Managing Partner likes nuts. It started as peanuts one day. He walked in and said, "Stephanie has good food in her office; what can I eat?" Then a few months later I bought a thing of mixed nuts, and he explained that he preferred the mixed nuts. It’s actually amusing. There are a couple of different people who he had different foods in their offices (he doesn't keep food in his office because he's on a diet). It’s nice to have the Managing Partner visit occasionally as well. He's a friendly sort. A bit odd. Toys in the office. (And maybe when they hand out bonuses at the end of the year, I’ll end up with an extra thirty dollars for his peanuts.) But it’s the things like that you never really realize go into being an attorney. I should write a book. I don't even think that the Job Goddess covered that one. (Any law students/lawyers out there NOT familiar with the Job Goddess?)

At my office, I have great power over pens. I am quite particular with my pen of choice. I like the Pilot Precise Rolling Ball. Extra Fine. Blue. Never black. I have an aversion to black pens. I’m actually quite prejudiced against them. And I’m not sure why. As for as I remember, black pens have never done anything bad to me. They look somewhat professional when you sign your name on letters with them (I’ll sign my name in an Fine Point Black Sharpie on letters - my first choice - if one is handy. So it’s not black THINGS, it’s just black pens. Sharpies aren’t pens. Sharpies are markers. They say so themselves. "Permanent Marker.") Oh, but back to my Pilot Precise Rolling Ball Pens. NEVER the Deluxe. Why ruin a great thing with a rubber thing attached? Take that as you will.

Yoda has asked me to do some research for him. Another partner has asked me to do an arbitration with him this Friday, and he'd let me do the opening and cross. Hmm...which one seems like it's more fun? Then again, who did I say yes to first. Gak. Isn't Yoda tired of me yet? Meanwhile, I have a summary judgment for the managing partner due a week from today (he just walked in and asked me about it. Sigh.) I was hoping to take some time off. Or at least leave earlier. Guess that plans in the crapper. Meanwhile, I have three OTHER cases that I have ignored for six weeks while preparing for trial that are demanding attention. I guess it never really does leave.

The fringe benefits of corporate America

So. We have these luncheons. They are random, for whatever political going on is going on in the city at the moment. They are JUST the type of thing that I HATE doing as an attorney. The networking, the making polite with pompous, arrogant politicians and judges and business owners and whatnot...I am sure that it comes as a great surprise when I say that it's not my style. I'm better at making the nice pretty water all muddy. Saying the wrong thing. Doing the wrong thing. BEING the wrong thing. As my friends can attest, I am not a nice person. Therefore, I generally try to avoid anything that deals with clients, with political movers and shakers, with the necessary but fake side of my career. I don't do fake. It was not part of what I signed up for when I signed up for law school, not part of the Truth, Justice, and the American way naivety I clung to. At all. It's POLITICAL BULLSHIT. I am not a good bullshitter. Unless I'm drunk. In which case, I'm an annoying, philosophical bullshitter.

However, there is a luncheon one on October 20th for the community college scholarships. Basically, we pay $250+ a head to eat a lunch and listen to a speaker drone on. I detest these things. They just take time that I don't have to waste, require niceties which I hate, etc. BUT this time, the speaker is...Edward Norton. I swear, I've never once responded so quickly to a lunch. Primal Fear may be one of the best movie twists ever. I was stunned. Shell shocked. And he's going to be in Cleveland. In the same hotel conference room as I. Seriously, I wonder if the table of 10 my firm bought has any males attending? ;-)

THEN, a mere week later is our firm seminar. What that means is that we invite all these clients, have separate employment law topics (mine is workers compensation), make outlines to hand out, and have lecture "sessions" on the various topics, blah blah blah. We also have a lunch speaker. Last year it was the mayor. She gave the same speech I've heard about half a dozen times. The first time it was good and upliding "Go Cleveland!", but by the eighth time, it was so annoying. (Attending the seminar isn't an option, by the way. At least we get 5.5 CLE credits for it.) So THIS year, the speaker is...Jerry Springer. I am not even kidding. NOW it's going to be difficult. I mean, he's going to be talking, and I'm going to want to be yelling, "Jer-ry, Jer-ry!" Or punching the person sitting next to me who will be, of course, a client (one attorney per table of clients). Sweet.

Then today, I was handed a pair of club tickets (not the suite, where there is free food and alcohol, but club seats where there is free food and drinks (just not alcohol)) because of the hard work on the case that DIDN'T go to trial. (For the record, Yoda is out and the junior partner is out until Thursday on vacation. Nice...) PLUS no clients inthe suite to entertain! Bonus! Jody Gerut, here I come! I can wear my Indians jersey where the number on the back is 666 and the name is "Yankees." Besides, I've been in the suite more than a dozen times this baseball season. I hate to say that it gets old, but it gets old. The negative - it was a total surprise, and I'm wearing a skirt. Sigh.

So my trial. I can sense that you are all are dying to know. Well, we settled. The part that bugs me is that she wasn't discriminated against,. Actually, we had some really bad facts having nothing to do with her that she was manipulating. When she wasn't flat out lying and making shit up. I can't get into specifics, but she is so friggin' incompetent at what they wanted her to do and it just didn't matter, because this psycho lady kept everything - every conversation she ever had with anyone for the last six years. Despite this, there was NO evidence that SHE was discriminated against. There was a smoking gun document that the decision maker never even say, but that someone else (to cover his tracks) now says that he did show him, and it doesn't deal with her but deals with another employee, but we'd hear all about what the smoking gun said the entire time. And we'd lose based on that without any evidence. It was quite depressing. Again, my Truth, Justice, and the American way naivety was disillusioned. This decision was SO NOT RIGHT. It really wasn't. This woman was completely unqualified and she gets all this money. It just shows exactly what's wrong with the system. If I never have to see Bitch Counsel again, it would be too soon. I know that Yoda feels the same way as well.

Destiny v. Free Will

My trial settled. More on that later. Or maybe not. Regardless, it.is.finished.

So, a friend and I are having a disagreement about what type of person I am. I think I’m better able to define who I am, but, of course, immediately before this discussion I argued in another discussion, "We are not who we say we are. To insist we are is to say that the rest of the world doesn't count, that the opinions of our friends don't matter, that their honest attempts at objectivity are not really important to us. We are not who we think we are, or claim to be. We are what others say we are, which is why in courts and schools and businesses, we don't accept what people claim about themselves; we ask witnesses, teachers and references. We are who others say we are." --John Kaminski. This of course makes it somewhat difficult for me to later argue that only I can define who I am and his opinion doesn’t count. Even if I was just messing around with him when I made the initial argument.

It started with an innocent question. "So I gather you don't believe in fate or destiny?" Well, that’s just ridiculous! I do believe in fate and destiny. Wholeheartedly. Why do you think that I take it all so seriously? And so, I answered accordingly. And his reply was, "You're messing with me on the fate and destiny thing, right? I just see you as person who focuses on effort and will to move through this world." Well, shit, how does one respond to that?? Because the fact is, I do believe in free will. But I also believe in destiny. Are they mutually exclusive? I never thought so. In fact, I think it’s a matter of how you consider time. I don’t see time as linear. (This theory is less odd than my disbelief in gravity I think. I was talking to Yoda about that -- my disbelief in gravity I mean -- and he just laughed. Me thinks Yoda, who believes that pheromones explain all friendships, marriages, and aversions to peoples, is in no position to laugh at my yet unproven theories.)

Anyway, the best quote to sum up free will and destiny that I’ve ever found is, "along the path there is free will, but once the goal is reached, we realize that everything was destined." I think what that means, or rather, what it means to me, is that when we come to a fork in the road, we have a choice whether we turn right or left. However, the decision has already been made -- by us -- because time isn’t a linear thing. We as humans have to turn it into something understandable, which means it’s now, and earlier was before, and afterwards is later. But time actually isn't a straight linear line of past, present and future. So therefore, the decisions of tomorrow were already made yesterday.

And I don’t mean this to sound like a time travel thing, or the traditional time travel theory, which of course leads to the ultimate "time Traveler Paradox" -- what if you went back in time and killed your own grandfather? The problem is, of course, if you kill your grandfather then you would not be born. Thus you could not travel into the past, thus you would not kill your grandfather. Thus, you would be born causing you to again travel into the past to kill your grandfather. The ultimate paradox. But that's not what I mean when I say that time isn't linear.

Life is like a game of cards. The hand you are dealt is determinism; the way you play it is free will. ~Jawaharial Nehru That seems to suggest that life is both destiny and free will. However, under my theory, we have already played the cards. So when we get the cards, what we will choose to play have already been played. The cards we play are destined, but we made those decisions. (By the way, I love card anologies to life, so if you have any, please share.)

I am not making much sense, I know, and I have to get my thoughts together to respond to him...but it's too hard because they are seemingly contradictory. But I just don't believe they are.

Today, a friend told me that I had courage because I was able to open up here

and it really made me laugh because, well, that just seems the exact opposite of me. I'm not open. By a long shot. Right? Right. (Ahh. I'm listening to REM right now. It's Everybody Hurts. Which got me through some times in high school. I was 15 or 16. Remember how RAW every emotion was back then? How permanent? I can just vaguely. Working to recreate that feeling. And ending up just short.) Anyway, back to opening up. I don't.

Well, until this whole blog thing started.

I’m finding that I find blogs fascinating. It's like a drug. I like that little "next blog" button up top. There are all these new people out there, and I feel like some sort of freaking peeping tom! You know, paying such attention to someone else’s thoughts, someone else’s life, anywhere else is voyeurism, and on the web, it’s just...well, it still might be voyeurism, just voyeurism by solicitation.

Unlike some people, I can’t put my whole life out on the blog because, well, I’m a closed person by nature and there are thought that I protect religiously. Unfortunately, even from myself most times. I have this insane fear that one day when I die, all the scraps of paper I’ve written my random self on will be found, and then people will know me. And that just terrifies me. And yes, I realize how out-of-place that is, considering, well, I’m dead..

But then I realized that because there are only six people who know who I am, for reals, that I do open up a bit more than usual. I think that means I'm growing??

Oh, and from Katie comes this wonderful quiz:


Take the What High SchoolStereotype Are You? quiz.

This is much more informative than "what type of bread are you" and the rest. Because, per my philosophy, life is high school. It's a rather advanced theory too, one that has withstood any challenges. Because, well, it just is.

The odd thing is, in high school, I probably was an outsider, but I was also a goth. They were one and the same where I was. (I know that's a category because that's what Katie is. I guess I just don't want to hurt people anymore!) ;-)

Somewhere in here is an open solicitation for opinions

Today I learned the art of keeping my mouth shut. Yoda walks in today and throws this brief at me. Actual conversation:
Yoda (pissy): Can you please put this in English?
Me: English?
Yoda: (opening the brief to the second page) Like here, "Plaintiff Jane Doe ("Plaintiff" or "Ms. Doe") sued Defendants ABC Corporation and John Smith ("Defendants") claims she was . . ."
Me: Ok
Yoda: I shouldn't have to be proofreading
Me: Ok
Yoda: This is fucking unacceptable
Me: Ok
Yoda: I shouldn't have to proofread.
Me: Ok
Yoda: So take care of it.
Me: Ok
Now this is what was going through my head this entire time. "I didn’t write this brief. The junior partner wrote this brief. I had nothing to do with this brief." But did I say that?? NO, I said absolutely nothing. I just sat there and repeatedly said, "Ok." At one point, he told me that he was sorry, he’s in trial mode right now, and he shouldn’t have to take care of proofreading and editing. You know what, I agree. So I just said, "ok." There is a first time for everything - this time, I learned to keep my mouth shut. I feel like I’ve grown today.


Yesterday, which was an awful day in terms of how I was feeling, and then became a REALLY awful day in terms of the evidence in this case. (And a shout to Susan for listening to me whine - she went above and beyond the friend duty!) And I won’t go into all of that stuff now, BUT I wanted to saw the one highlight: Yoda says to me "You just remind me so much of my daughter. You mannerisms and especially your sarcastic comments." YAY! I’m like reminiscent of Yoda;s spawn! That makes me a Yodette?? Sigh, Only in my dreams could I be as intelligent as Yoda. Any of the Yodas! (Great, and now I’ve got Debbie Gibson going through my head. Gak! Is there anything worse?)


And here’s something ELSE that upset me yesterday - Bitch Counsel had on a button that said "John Kerry." Bitch Counsel and I both hate Bush. Oh, that really burns me! Bitch Counsel and I should have nothing in common! Nothing, I tell you. I was already considering dying my hair because we both have dark brown hair, getting a new occupation because we are both attorneys, and having a sex change operation because we are both women. Ok, that’s a bit overboard. But seriously! She is most disagreeable. She just SEEMS like she'd support the anti-christ.


I gave blood today. You should know, there are few things I hate more than giving blood. Spiders. Bitch Counsel. Gold jewelry. Bush. The Yankees. But I HATE giving blood. The reason is simple; I firmly believe that the American Red Cross is incompetent. For three straight blood donations, they killed me. And I mean, the first time I was bruised (a bruise my entire hand could not cover) for just over three weeks. Three weeks! The second time, they couldn’t find the vein, had a relatively big needle hole there, I was in pain the entire time giving blood, and I had a bruise for two weeks. The third time, they started on my left arm. They couldn’t find the vein to save their lives. They started with my left arm, poked and stuck me, pushed this needle every side of Sunday to no avail. So they want to me right arm. First they started in the middle. AGAIN couldn’t find the vein. Again tried several times. Gave up and went to a side vein. Then they found the vein and started going. But it was really slow. I finally made them stop after about 20 minutes pulling from the side vein when it wasn’t even half full. They kept saying, "you can’t stop now, we can’t use your blood unless it’s full." And I was furious, and they couldn’t understand why I didn’t care if they never got any blood from anyone again. Bloody Red Cross vampires. I had to leave work early that day, and I went to see a nurse afterwards, and I learned that they blasted the veins. They blasted the one in my left arm, and the middle one on my right arm. I’m not sure what that means, but anytime anything is blasted, and I haven’t been drinking, I don’t think it’s a positive thing. On top of that, the side one was all bruised (but not blasted). So I had these three bruises for almost three weeks. That was my last straw. So every time I go there, I ask for the most qualified person. Which gets them all up in arms. But I don’t care. I’ve got what they want. I feel like a pimp. "You want my blood? You better do as I say. If you do exactly as I say, and three lives today will be saved." (Is that true? That seems so silly. Three lives with just twenty minutes of blood? I think that’s a rumor.)


Have I mentioned that I choose colors for my bathrooms? The downstairs half bath I want black and tan. (This is a problem now b/c it has blue carpet in it.) The upstairs guest bathroom I want dark blue (either royal or navy) and light blue. The master bathroom I want red and gold (the yellow shade, not like jewelry gold.) And a few weeks ago, I started taking off the border in the kitchen, but it's all stuck. So I want it gone from the downstairs bathroom, the two upstairs bathrooms, the kitchen, and the wallpaper (the kind that you can touch and it's raised) in the family room. Again, I don’t get all the borders everywhere. A man and his 14 year old son have borders in almost every room. AND PINK CARPET IN THE MASTER BEDROOM!!


So my best friend has known me longer than almost anyone in the entire world. She has seen me at my lowest low and my highest high. And all the mundane. Oh, and our first foray into public transportation. And today she challenged me: "I don't like being hurt either, but there are worse things, like not falling in love ever. I was completely in love with [--- to protect the not so innocent jerk there!] (which I knew I would fall for him after the first couple times we talked) and it really sucked when I found out he didn't feel the same way, but at least part of me is glad it happened. Because then I *knew* what the big deal about love was, and I knew I could be in love, and there was someone who could inspire that in me, and it's not something I would want to go through my whole life without ever having felt once. So I am a little confused about you trying so hard to avoid falling for someone, because you are all about living life to the fullest & deepest and sucking the marrow out of it, and sometimes the marrow is a little bitter, but it's better than never having tasted it."

My response to her: First, I disagree that never falling in love is worse than getting hurt. Then again, I guess that I wouldn't know about falling in love anyway. Blame my divorced parents. Second, it's not that I don't want to fall ever, it's more that I KNOW that he's not the one to catch me. So you know, call me crazy, but I don't see why you'd walk into a fire and then later complain about being burned. The difference is, you didn't start the relationship with --- knowing that it was going to end the way that it did. You learned in the midst, and that sucks, but that's life. But that doesn't mean that if you knew what was going to happen with him, you'd have done things in the same way. Which is what you essentially want me to do. I'm not trying to avoid falling for some one, but just this particular someone. I want to fall for someone where I can fall, and at least HOPE that he will catch me. If I still hit the ground, well, that sucks but that's life. But to know as you jump that you're going to slam into the ground...I just can't take that step. I'm too cautious. Sorry. If I find someone I can at least BELIEVE will catch me, whether or not I KNOW he will is irrelevant. But I need that believe that MAYBE he will. And here I know that he won't.
So where do the masses come out? On my side, or her side? Should you walk into a fire for the experience, knowing the pain that will later result? She starts quoting my words back at my about living life to the fullest bullshit. Contradictory, paradoxical me. I have no problems admitting that I'm seriously guarded, and wouldn't be surprised at all if my very much OLDER (and therefore WISER) friend had the right way of living. ;-)


Five more questions (this is taking so long it’s actually sad. I’m pathetic.) I think I would have done better with 100 facts about me. There just are 100 interesting things to say about myself.

46. When did you last sing to yourself? To someone else? I last sang to myself in the car on the way to work this morning. I just love 106.5. Even though Joe is on vacation this week. Brian just isn’t "Brian and Joe" when it’s just Brian. And last week it was Just Joe, and Joe isn’t Brian and Joe without Brian. It’s like peanut butter and jelly. Most people don’t like one without the other. Well, I actually don’t like jelly, so I like just peanut butter without jelly. But I don’t like Brian without Joe, and vice versa. (And actually, I learned all about Billy from Brian and Joe.) When did I last sing to someone else? Well, for fun last night when I was singing "there was a farmer who had a dog and Bingo was his name-o" as we left work the other day. But for reals when I sang at the piano bar for my entertainment. Since I wasn’t able to try out for American Idol.

47. You have the power to go any distance into the future and, after one year, return to the present with any knowledge you have gained from your experience but with no physical objects. Would you make the journey if it carried a 50% risk of death? Shit. Why always these death questions? I think that I might. Think about what you could learn. How to cure diseases. How to invent things to make the world better now. I’d have to do it for humanity’s sake, even if I died. Don’t get me wrong, it would suck big time if died upon return, but no more so than if I learned that humans had destroyed the world and we were extinct. Talk about a lonely year!! "Theorizing that one could time travel within his own lifetime, Dr. Sam Beckett stepped into the Quantum Leap Accelerator...and vanished." (I could go on. I won’t.)

48. Given the choice of anyone in the world, whom would you want as your dinner guest? As your close friend? As your lover? Oh, boy. Hmm. A dinner guest. Jesus Christ would be interesting. Oh, the things I could learn! As my close friend? There was this one guy named Tim. Absolutely friggin' brilliant person. We quite possibly had the best conversations I’ve ever had with anyone. It wasn’t necesasarily romantic, but it was wildly exhilirating and free in that we were able to discuss anything. And did. We just got each other. I've found in life that that is just so incredibly rare. We joked that our birthday’s were two years apart (almost to the day) because the Universe couldn’t handle two of us at first...but we had no answer as to why we were so close in proximity if that were so. Unfortunately, life got in the way and we lost touch. But it remains among a favorite memory for me. So he’d be first. With a close second to another friend who often got me. He was a bit sensitive, and I was a bit (bit?!?) shielded, and we understandably didn’t get along so well when I’d be in that mode. Unfortunately, that ultimately destroyed our friendship. My biggest regret in life. It might actually be my only true regret in life. But anyway, it’s gotta be Tim first. As a lover. Hmm...I have a huge thing for Joaquin Phoenix right now. And the usual suspect: Jody Gerut. But I think the question demands a real answer, not a fake one. I’ve never been in love. I’ve never even been close to being in love. So I don’t have an answer to this one. The answer would be my soul mate. And yes, I’m silly enough to believe in soul mates, even in the face of evidence to the contrary.

49. While parking late at night, you slightly scrape the side of a Porche. You are certain that no one else is aware of what happened. The damage is minor and would not be covered by insurance. Would you leave a note? Probably not. I’d feel guilty for a few days over it, I’d rationalize that they obviously have the money to cover the damage, and I’d probably not leave a lot. In fact, once someone hit my car in a parking lot in the garage at school, and they DID leave a note. The damage was minor and I just said, "screw it, don’t worry about it." Guess she’s a better person than I am.

50. If you could choose the manner of your death, what would it be?
Asleep at night. Peacefully. I would suppose so would everyone else. I mean, I know I like fire, but I’m not a masochist or anything!

It if looks like a huge bees nest, changes are you are gonna get stung

This reminds me of the time that I was about 7 and walked in the ditch, and there was a bees nest on the ground. Because I'm a moron, I'm like, "what's this?" Idiot!! I’m not even sure how many times I was stung. More times than I can remember. I ran into the house...they followed. This also explained my irrational fear to bees now. And you know how they can smell fear...like bloody psychics!

Steel Erection

I completely forgot this until right now, and it was the single funniest thing I saw all day Friday (It was a slow day.) I went to the Indians/Twins game. A partner was there and I was forced to talk to him. All that you need to know about him is, every stereotypical lawyer nerd who can't function in society joke, he fits. Anyway, the Indians scoreboard has this sign saying that 77 was closed because of a "steel erection." No joke. It was quickly changed to a welcome, and then it came back on saying 77 was closed due to "construction." I heard on the radio (yes, I listen to AM sports radio) that the scoreboard people were called. Who ever knew that scoreboard people had a sense of humor?? I mean, you hear all about those Disney cartoonists, but everyone completely disregards the scoreboard people. Those underdogs.

Ok, and I was told on Saturday that I didn't get to sit at the table during the trial, and yet, I had to go to the trial. Bite me. That's bullshit. I understand that there are two defendants, so two clients at the table. And that there are two partners on the case now. But damnit, this is my case. It's what I know. And why should I have to go if I'm just sitting in the peanut gallery? Why should I have to work 60 hours a week for that? Screw that, find some other whipping girl. And the senior partner on Saturday said that we have all these depositions coming up, and as far as he is concerned, any of us can take them, "including Stephanie." Now really it comes down to me and junior partner, b/c senior partner is sceduled up the wazoo. But the junior partner won't let me, because as he puts it, he "doesn't want to let anything go." See, THIS is why I keep thinking I'm going to leave the firm. Because fuck that.

Oh, and cocoa lecture guy is back. It had been a while, so I felt kinda good about the entire thing. Silly me. An entire message about - you guessed it, his one topic of discussion. I don't mean to be a bitch, I really don't, but yawn. Seriously, I thought the whole washing hair for the next three weeks excuse would work...little did I know. Maybe girls should write a book for guys. Here's a hint: the washing hair busy-ness excuse...NOT a real excuse. It's bullshit. If we wanted to find time for you, we'd squeeze you in somehow.

As people may know because of Erin and Jen, I went to celebrate Erin's 30th birthday this weekend. Well, for a brief period of time, because I worked until 5 and had to be back in by 12. I got to the bar and had to eat, b/c I hadn't had anything to eat all day (kinda like today...) Anyway, I'm waiting for Anne and Ernesto, my two friends from law school, to get there, and inspiration strikes! Since: (1) it happens to seldomly; (2) it's not like I can recall the brilliance later, I grab placemats and start writing an affidavit out. So I get in today, and my secretary is out (she once got lots of coasters with writing on them) so I had to give them to her backup. She just looked at me like I was crazy. "Napkins?" No, silly! Those are placemats! Duh! Writing on napkins would just be weird. My disgusting dedication to a job (*cough* lack of a life) astounds.

And I'm sad because we have pictures online at work. They are black and white. Mine is from when I had long hair, once upon a time. But we are getting pictures taken tomorrow. Color, nonetheless. No more long hair. I won't even remember a time when it tickled my back. (Much better, by the way, thanks.)

What is Iraq's National Anthem??

Porter Goss (the guy Bush nominated to head the CIA) has recently introduced legislation that would allow the CIA to arrest U.S. citizens which overturns a ban on the CIA conducting operations inside the United States, in the FBI’s territory. Great, now I have to dodge the FBI AND the CIA??


In his radio address on Saturday, Bush explained "Today, because the world acted with courage and moral clarity...Iraqi athletes are competing in the Olympic Games."
--George W. Bush, 8/14/04

Whoa. Slow down there Texas cowboy. Iraq sent a four-athlete team to the 2000 Summer Olympics in Sydney too. That was BEFORE you acted with "courage and moral clarity." Granted, the team is much larger now, but let's not pull yet another false banner out.

AWOL (Alcohol Without Liquid, NOT GW Bush)

So how do I miss shots" of alcohol. If you are waiting in line for a shot, there isn't much socializing going on. It takes away the social atmosphere, and I think that we should not support any alcohol without liquid.



"That’s one thing conservative Republican presidents are good for. Punk rock gets a whole lot better." -Mike Burkett (Oh, and here I was wondering all this time what Bush was good for...)

Dear Minnesota (and Kentucky)

Dear Minnesota,
THAT'S why we had five all-stars.
Love, me

Dear Kentucky
I can think of a lot better things to do with $15 million dollars.
Love, me
(For those who didn't hear, the state of Kentucky was upset that late night comedians made fun of them, so the state is trying to come up with a new slogan to counter the jokes about the state and make people wake up one day in, like Vegas, and think, "I should move to Kentucky." But they are spedning $15 million dollars to come up with a new slogan. I'm not even joking. Actually, that should cause late night comedians to start a whole new round of jokes. Mission accomplished!)

And these questions are sure taking me a long time...

44. You are offered $1,000,000 for the following act: Before you are ten pistols - only one of which is loaded. You must pick up one of the pistols, point it at your forehead, and pull the trigger. If you can walk away you do so a millionaire. Would you accept the risk?
Probably. I've always thought that the idea wass kinda intriguing, though I've always wisely been too much a coward to try it. Because what it? And life kinda rocks, even when it sucks. But at the same time, that's still only a 10% chance of dying. And I firmly believe in destiny. So if it's my time, the gun I pick up has the bullet in it. If it's not my time, it doesn't. But at the same time, if it's my time, that bus in the other lane is going to hit some patch of ice and hit me, pushing me into the ditch where my car will collapse around me. Maybe even catch on fire. Nothing we can do can really mess up destiny's plans. If I died, does my family get the money? That's even better.

45. Someone very close to you is in pain, paralyzed, and will die within a month. He begs you to give him poison so that he can die. Would you? What if it were your father?
I wholeheartedly support assisted suicide. So yes, I absolutely would (though I'd try not to get caught and sent to jail to be a bitch.) I think it’s inhumane to force someone to live in constant pain when their death is inevitable. I support dying with dignity. So whether it was a stranger, my father, or myself, I would definitely do whatever I could to allow them or I to die with dignity.

Dear Mother Nature

Dear Mother Nature,
It's August. August 13. (Actually, Friday the 13th. Boo.) It's also 68 degrees out. Please rectify this situation immediately.
Very truly yours,
Stephanie

Jody Gerut

(no the post has nothing to do with Jody Gerut. I just don't think that I've mentioned him lately. Shame.)

I went to Google and typed in "lifespan of a housefly" (because at about 5 pm I suddently NEEDED to know how long a housefly lives. There was no lead in) and my computer brought in a bunch of those popups, and one was a pseudo porn site. Or a dating site, I couldn't tell. A scantily clad woman saying "click here." How is that tied to a housefly?!? I don't get all that stuff. It's my work computer - I freaked. I'm picturing all sorts of termination notices because I wanted to know how long a housefly lives. Then again, they ever check my internet time and I'm dead anyway.

Sitting on my couch, watching TiVo Last Comic Standing (yay John Heffron), with my laptop and cat in my lap, I am content with life right now. Even though I'm tired exhausted.

I've been thinking about my work lately, when I'm not working. And I've come to the conclusion that I enjoy being this busy at work because I don't have to think about things. And I'm not even sure what I'm trying not to think about. Most of the time when people try to escape from things, there is something definable. A death. A breakup. Something. Here, not so much. As far as I can tell. And being busy means that I don't have time to think. And then I began thinking, have I always been like this? Is that why I listen to music at work? I don't want to accidentally have a moment where I'm free to think? What type of anti-self-reflective bullshit is that? And I thought, "no, I think all the time." And then I thought, "I haven't been very introspective lately at all." So my September new month's resolution is to be more introspective. (We have to start with September because you can't start a new months resolution in the middle of the month. And I have my trial starting.)

Ahh, my trial. I'm really sorry. I know that 99% of the people in the world don't give two shits about the law. And hate lawyers with a passion. But the fact is, my ENTIRE life right now is this trial. And yes, I understand how pathetic that makes me. Welcome to my world. So the junior partner - he's had some of my work for over three weeks. It hasn't made it to the senior partner yet. We're talking 5 page motions in limine. My research skills are second to none (at least I can do something right at the firm. As far as I can tell, it's the only reason they keep me around) so I know it'snot the research that he's working on. So by my thought, even if every word I wrote was awful, the research is there, and you can write a MIL in only a few hours. Why is it taking so long. How can I be THAT bad when the foundation is there? And yes, he's been editing them for weeks. I feel like such a failure. Don't get me wrong. If it's not one thing, it's another. So I'd feel like a failure anyway, it's a comfort level for me.

But I'm a demanding sort, so I brought up this concern with the senior partner today - what exactly am I doing wrong?? He said a lot of it was stylistic, that I'm on a learning curve, and that that he hopes to provide feedback when this is all over. He told me bascially what I knew - my writing overall is too informal, and that my research skills rock. He didn't say the word rock. But it as implied. Woo hoo. He was also talking to me about why women wear cleavage shirts, and how he doesn't understand it. I was a bit confused, but he REALLY meant why do they wear cleavage shirts to the workplace and how that is unprofessional. I even think he thinks less of people who wear cleavage shirts to work. I told him it was because they didn't do laundry and only had their bar shirts left. He has no problem with cleavage shirts at a bar. Sometimes, I don't think he knows how to take me. Guess he should get in line. But I might have an intellectual crush on Yoda. Then again. it's not a surprise. I also had an intellectual crush on Yoda from Star Wars, Yoda my senior high school English teacher, and Yoda my philosophy professor in college. Maybe by the time I give someone the name Yoda, I've already got the intellectual crush on them?? (For the record, not one of these individuals is attractive in the slightest. Well, Yoda from the movie kinda is.)

And going back to the first paragraph with Jody, and the above paragraph, speaking of crushes, Billy was on the radio this morning and mentioned he was performing tonight at Quaker Steak. Note I didn't go to Quaker Steak. Jen would be so disappointed. ;-) Quaker Steak is perhaps one of the best places ever. It reminds me of college. That's the old days, when it was only in Sharon PA. I still have my plastic "It's Tuesday!" cup from there. All you can eat wings. Which is cool not because you actually ate $10 of wings, but because you could get different kinds rather than being stuck with one type of wing for the rest of your stay at Quaker Steak that evening. They brought them in groups of 4, so that meant every 4 wings, you could change the type of wings. I don't like hot anything, but I loved the options. I think this goes into the entire "can't settle on one thing" problem I have. Even with wings. Yes, I have issues. Thanks for your two bit pseudo psychology. I appreciate it. Then again, I did say that I wasn't very introspective, so maybe you were just helping? Aww, thanks. That makes me feel all warm and fuzzy inside, attempting to help me.

"It's one thing to have justice, it's another thing to go overboard with justice." Huh?? Are you kidding me? Bush is the biggest.idiot.ever.

New Jersey governor had to quit b/c he is gay. (oversimplified, perhaps, but true nonetheless). The Supreme Court of California says gay marriages are null and void. Bush wants a constitutional amendment saying marriage is only between a man and a woman. A judge in Seattle says they are legal. Massachusetts, Vermont...the Supreme Court's gotta decide this issue soon. Wonder if they'll take their recent stance of trying to avoid any controversial topics? Yet another reason why I am Bush winning will be one of the worst things ever - appointing like minded Justices. Bush just had an ad to tv, "Moving America Forward." Now I know that we say the word "nuclear" differently, but I guess we define "forward" differently as well.

If you're not a lawyer, there are maybe two paragraphs you'll be able to read. And that's if you like sports

I'm exhausted. Ready for bed. Need to do more trial stuff. And I can't concentrate because everything is swirling around. There are days when my ADHD isn't bad. Today was one of those days. I was prepping a witness for my trial and paid LOTS of attention most of the day. Now I can't concentrate to save my life. (You know, when I was in high school, I disliked the preps. Now, I have witness prep, trial prep, I'm prepping people. It's very disconcerning.) So there are a few things running through my head I thought I'd share:

--Bitch Counsel (20! people on her witness list she plans to call. 20! I want this trial to go quickly. But get this - there are a bunch of them that are out of town people, not parties. We plan to bring them into town for our case in chief. She says we have to bring them to town for HER case in chief. We say no. She says if we refuse to bring them to town for her to call in her case in chief, she will subpoena the company pursuant to 30(b)(6) (actually, I'm in state court so it's 30(b)(5), but it's identical tot he 30(b)(6)). For the person, for example, with the most knowledge of the interview between Plaintiff and X. In order to get X to testify during her case in chief! Can you believe it? This means nothing to people who aren't lawyers. Sorry. Basically, it's cheating.)

--The Indians win. Especially in context of the Twins series this weekend. How pathetic is Cleveland (the city)? We are all excited about this, despite the fact that the team is NOT playoff ready this year. Next year, I think they will be, but this year...just give it up already. And I say that with me head...and yet, I am from Cleveland, and my heart is with them, dreaming of October. We are pathetic. But consistently so.

--The Browns signing Kellon Winslow. I'd have played hardball and said, "Screw you." Why does he deserve to be the highest paid tight end if he doesn't want the incentives making that contingent upon making the Pro Bowl? If you are saying that you are the best tight end in the game, it shouldn't be an issue, rookie.

--My trial. It starts in just over a week. We have a deposition tomorrow of the one named Defendants. This Saturday is the doctor's deposition. We have depositions scheduled every day next week of people on the trial list. It really sucks. Meanwhile, trying to pull exhibits, trying to create them, trying to do all that stuff. It's exciting, it really is, but a bit overwhelming. Today after prep, the first chair partner on the case with me, along with the second chair junior partner they just brought in (per the client's request b/c I'm just a youngun') met with two senior partners (a named partner and the managing partner) to discuss strategy. It's weird b/c I know these documents inside and out, and the facts off the top of my head, and yet, I am in the room with three of the most brilliant attorneys ever listening to them strategize and it's stuff that never occured to me, that they got just by reading the sides briefs. Without even knowing the evidence. It's like telling a story, and I'm caught up in the trees. There's not a single tree that I don't know. I know what direction they grow in, how the sun hits them, where the squirrels live and where the leaves are falling off. But what the forest as a whole is like, and the best place to have a picnic for everyone to enjoy it....I have no idea. And for the record, at a lot of law firms, an associate becomes someone's "bitch." It basically means that the partner gives you an awful lot of work, and you often feel you work exclusively for that person. The senior partner on this case with me, he's my Yoda. I really feel he's brilliant. Today, he went through an abscure hearsay rule, just BAM, quoted it word for word. And the two senior partners he asked for the pow wow with are two of the best litigators in the state of Ohio, as voted by other attorneys in the state. They are who most of the cases get handed off too. So I'm in the BEST learning company there is. It's simply stunning to me how unintelligent I am compared to them. In a good way.

--What's in a name. What this says about Stephanie.

--The Superman Curse. Not sure why. In the immportal words of the Monkees, "I'm a believer."

--Allegory of the Cave. Again, no particular reason. Actually, my sister saw The Village last night (she loved it. Guess I don't know what I'm talking about) and I was talking to her about Joaquin Phoenix, who consistently chooses good roles. Which reminded me of Johnny Depp, who also chooses good roles and has that same dark soulfulness I adore. Who reminded me of Leonardo Decaprio, who does not choose good roles but was in What's Eating Gilbert Grape, which was a great role. Which reminded me of being not so smart. Which reminded me of Keanu Reeves because (1) he just doesn't come across as intelligent and (2) this might have something to do with Bill and Ted's Excellent Adventure. Which reminded me of The Matrix. Which is, of course, a modernized Allegory of the Cave. So now I have to reread it, in all of my free time, and get into it. Because I love Plato, and that's one of my favorites. Oh, and yes, that is how my mind works. It's the ADHD.

Now I have to get back to work.

One more reason to have a complex

From Singing Loudly from Mediocrity's Co-Pilot from Slithery D from Enjoy Every Sandwich. At which point the trial grows cold. Obviously like my heart.


Heart of Stone

What is Your Heart REALLY Made of?
brought to you by

Andy Borowitz

But today Andy Borowitz showed why he's one of the funniest people in the universe as well. (And originally from Cleveland, score. Also the creator of The Fresh Prince, for those who recall Will Smith before he was WILL SMITH.)

NAME OF KOBE'S ACCUSER APPEARS ON BILLBOARDS ACROSS COUNTRY
Judge to Accuser: 'My Bad'

The rape trial of basketball star Kobe Bryant took another unexpected turn today as his accuser's name appeared on massive outdoor billboards across the country.

In what is being described as "a clerical error," the supposedly confidential name of Mr. Bryant's accuser appeared on over four thousand billboards which had been earmarked for McDonald's "I'm Lovin' It" campaign.

Eagle County District Judge Terry Ruckriegle said that the decision to plaster the accuser's name on the billboards was "a huge mistake, obviously" and would be corrected at once, telling reporters, "To Mr. Bryant's accuser, let me say this: my bad."

But the judge's apology was undercut somewhat moments later when he accidentally let slip the accuser's name to the room full of reporters.

With increasing exposure on the Internet, in the tabloids, and now on over four thousand billboards, Mr. Bryant's accuser is currently the third most famous person in America after President Bush and Paris Hilton, a new CNN/USA Today poll indicates.

Judge Ruckriegle imposed a new gag order in the case one day after the billboards appeared and one week after flyers featuring the accuser's name, likeness, address and phone number were mailed to over forty million U.S. households in what is being described as "a clerical error."

In other legal news, former Iraqi strongman Saddam Hussein today said that he would volunteer to be a character witness at Private Lynndie England's hearing in the Abu Ghraib prison abuse scandal.

"I've never met Lynndie England, but I'm a big fan of her work," Saddam told reporters.

Borowitz Report

John Heffron

rocks, and I encourage anyone watching Last Comic Standing, and even those not, to vote for him tonight. But he just had the BEST thing ever about message boards. I laughed by ass off.

Monday, August 9th, 2004
10:19 pm - If you dont have someting nice to say.....

Ok.., yes, the big vote is here. And of course, I want you to vote for me. And of course I thank you for stopping by my site and watching the show. And, all that good stuff.

Last Comic Standing has been such an experience for me. I really don’t know how to describe it. I have ran through the whole gamet of emotions on the show. I have hated it and I’ve loved it.

The biggest thing I’m learning from the show is how to deal with the people who don’t like me. In my whole comedy life I’m sure people who saw my shows and who didn’t find me funny would keep that to themselves or say it on their way home from the club. But now, with stuff like message boards people can post how much they hate me instantly. I mean there are people who hate me sooooo much they go to a website, get a log in ID, create a password, and then write a half a page biography on why I suck……Man that’s commitment.

I mean they could have used that time to call a friend and say hello, or wrote their mom a nice letter. But, Nope, they took the time out of their busy day to write about me. WOW! Thank You. If I see a band I don’t like, I simply don’t listen to them. That’s it. I don’t give them a second thought. That’s exactly why this baffles me. Why would people take the time to write about things or people they hate.

Well anyway, Let me help all you “Haters” out there. My last name has Two F’s in it. Please when you write “Hefron sucks he mumbles” add the second F. Also, its easy to call someone a “Hack”, “Asshole”, “Moron” or “Not funny at all” when your hiding behind a screen name. Its actually cowardly if you ask me. Any one can talk smack when your sitting in your underwear at 3am wondering why no one called you to go out tonight.

All us LSC people get hate e mail, I’m just guessing everyone is as big as Alonzo, or Gary, when they press “Enter” to send an email. I know people wouldn’t say those things to their face. I read on my website, johnheffron.com, that I was a jerk and my parents didn’t bring me up right because I didn’t say thank you, the night of the voting. In actuality, my parents didn’t in fact teach me website ettiquie. I’m sure they would have, had I not grow up in the 70’s. That really pissed me off. Although I have a good idea who it was and I think they where trying to get people to vote for Gary and not me. I hope that person was 12 years old because they sure as hell act like. Grow-up and keep your stank ass off my site. And if you are 12 yrs old no offense to you and sorry about all the swear words.

I have to be honest, I don’t update my site everyday. I cant, I try, but it just doesn’t work out all the time. That doesn’t mean I’m not grateful of my fans. I am. When I have time I will try and make rice krispy (sp) treats for everyone. But with the show and my recent marriage, please accept my sincere gratitude and appreciation. Sometimes that’s all I have to give. THANK YOU, THANK YOU AND THANK YOU. (Look, I even capitalized it, so, you know I mean it)

I’m sure Gary Gullam does answer every one of his emails every night. Good for Gary, I’m sure he was a great student in school, I wasn’t. I try I really do. And man-o-man do I get a lot of them. Just before I wrote this I looked at !%&? Amount of new e mails. I could hire someone to respond to them for me but that’s cheating.

Now, Back to the message boards.

I don’t now maybe every profession, or store should have a message board where people could post.

IMATOOL68 SUBJECT: WAYNE IS THE WOREST GAP WOKER EVER

I was in the store today and wanted to try on a pair of pants. Wayne said “hi can I help you” HE totally stole that from this girl who works at HOT TOPIC, Wayne is so unoriginal and I didn’t like is hair. I defiantly don’t think Wayne should work at the Gap.

REPLY FROM: IHAVANOLIFE

I like Wayne, I heard him say “Hi Can I help you” way before that Kelly from HOT TOPIC.

Anyway I have to get up early and try to figure out what I’m doing tomorrow on the show. And if you are watching and think THIS GUY SUCKS! Call your mom and say hello

Remember there is to F’s in HEFFRON


Found here.

"Former female employee"

When you read a case and they talk about a "former female employee," do they mean a former employee, or a former female? I personally think it's open to interpretation.

41. Your house, containing everything you own, catches fire; after saving your loved ones and pets, you have time to safely make a final dash to save one item. What would it be?
I would be torn between my journals and my photo albums. They are in the same place... Maybe I should give an extra copy of my photos to someone else to avoid that decision. It would be a game time decision between the two - which ones would I instinctively grab?

42. How would you react if you were to learn that your made had had a lover of the same sex before you knew each other?
I would be supportive, tell him I understood, that I was ok with it. I would say all the right things. Then I’d obsess about it. Every time we were together, I’d have images. I’d imagine all sorts of things. I’d question his love for me. I’d wonder every time we walked by a hot guy that I was attracted to. I’d wonder every time he wore a light blue shirt. And ultimately, he’d end it with me because I just couldn’t let it go.

43. When were you last in a fight? What caused it and who won?
You mean a physical fight? I rightly don’t recall. I know when I was 13 I fought with a neighborhood kid because this girl - a friend of hers - was made at me, and got my ass kicked. And when I was about 12 fought with TWO neighborhood kids who had rocks and they used them, hitting my head and bringing me to tears. (As an adult, I ran into one of them when I was in my early 20s, and he was nice as could be.) I don’t recall fights as adults. My housemates in college and I got into a fist fight over the board game Trivial Pursuit, but it wasn’t one that anyone wins or loses. If you mean verbal fight, and you’re not counting Bitch Counsel (in my opinion, 3-0, since she lost her motion for sanctions, she lost her motion to compel other than what we offered, and I won my motion to amend the answer...though the only fight that counts is with the jury) and you’re not talking my sister and I, who fight on a regular basis b/c, well, we’re Greek, then it’s probably a friend from law school. A lot of things caused it, I accept responsibility for it, and I think we probably both lost.

Back to trial work. Sigh. I need a drink. (Suddenly, why lawyers have one of the highest rates of alcoholism hits her like a bat out of hell...)

A Lot of Hits Over A Few Days

The other day, I was online trying to determine which Emotionally Unavailable t-shirt I most wanted. Yes, I spent time debating which Emotionally Unavailable t-shirt best represented "me." Short-sleeve or three-quarter length? A plain white (I just don’t strike you as a plain white type of girl, do I?) or a baseball style shirt (need I even ask that question?) But what type of baseball shirt? Red trim? Blue trim? Black trim? What type of Emotionally Unavailable am I?? That’s when it occurred to me – I was debating an Emotionally Unavailable t-shirt. What does that say about me??

So let’s go over my last few days. Thursday night I got home at about 8:30 p.m. Yes, quite early, I know. Go me. So I was working and at about 10 I realized that I didn’t close my garage. I did so. Friday morning, I get to my car, and stuff is strewn about everywhere. Grr… I had money stolen, a pouch with credit cards (ok, my mentor at work has already gone into how dumb it was for me have credit cards in my car. I prefer to think that I’m trusting, not dumb, but I accept it’s open for debate). So then Saturday I went to the police station and reported it, then headed into work. I was there from 10 to almost 5. Practically a full day. Gak. But I went over to a friend’s house for a party BBQ. First, our definitions of BBQ are completely different. I think hotdogs, hamburger, and maybe, if you’re lucky, chicken. My friend things shrimp, tomato mozzarella, stuff like that. As the appetizers! Anyway, we’re there, she has a deck, it’s about 10 feet of the ground, and we sitting in a circle. I back up so that we cal all see each other … and backed myself up off the deck. I fell the ten feet and hit my back (luckily not my head. Though perhaps that’s open to interpretation.) Knocked the wind out of me. Scratched myself up. (Not sure how…) And today, I can’t really move at all. I am SO incredibly sore. I can’t sleep on my side. In my moving newhouseness, I don’t have a heating pad or ice pack. Life just rocks sometime…

Then, on Thursday afternoon (not chronological, I know!), I got a call from BC saying that the Pretrial was moved. Not that I don't trust opposing counsel, but I want to hear that from the court. So I called the court's clerk. She explained to me that it was moved because BC asked for an extension (on the day that her sj response brief was due) and that the judge couldn't have her summary judgment answer on the day. I pointed out to her than when it was due - that Monday, and I had ten days to file my reply brief, she wouldn't even have an answer by then. The clerk told me that I wasn't allowed to file a reply brief. I said that the local rules permitted me to file a reply brief (a change as of January 1, 2004) but she said the Judge doesn't allow them unless there has been an intervening change in law, per the Judge's Standing Order. Ok. I then asked about the Pretrial Brief - due the previous Monday - and asked why the plaintiff hadn't filed one. The clerk told me that she hadn't ever seen them before, and while they were required under the local rules, they were not required per the Judge's standing order. Hmmm....this creates a problem. I haven't seen the Judge's Standing Order. I had no idea there was a Standing Order in this case. I haven't seen one. So I search through everything, (we weren't counsel of record at the CMC, so I looked through the old stuff) and it wasn't there. So I called and left a message for the clerk, asking if I could send over one of the guys to pick up a copy in the am. Because whatever else is in that Standing Order, I desperately need to know.

Friday morning I get a call, and of course, I'm already in a negative frame of mind because my car was broken into (I live in the suburbs for crying out loud!) and the receptionist tells me the Judge is on the line for me. (Ex parte, anyone?) I pick up the phone and say goodmorning and ask how she is. She tells me that she is "kinda really argry." (Let's not even wax on how one is "kinda really" anything. You are either "kinda" or you are "really" but "kinda really" grated on me the same way that the Pittsburgh people says "yuns guys" or "warsh" (for wash, by the way, where does that R come from??). Anyway, it turns out that she is tired that counsel in this case has been calling her clerk four or five times a day and overwhelming here. What annoys me about this: I have called her clerk on two days - the first day I called her about a month ago to schedule a date and time for court ordered mediation. The second time was yesterday, where I made two calls. The partner on the case has called her once with opposing counsel to ask to speak with the Judge and have the Judge resolve an issue and rule on the phone. I have called once with opposing counsel on the phone for the Judge to resolve an issue. (For the record, the Judge ruled against us on both of those occasions.) That's it. And if opposing counsel if calling her "four or five times a day" I want to know why. Anyway, she tells me that reply briefs are not necessary 98% of the time unless there is new law, but if I feel that it is, "go ahead and file one" but be fast because she is reading this weekend to rule on it. So in other words, file today. And then when I said something about the Standing Order, she snaps, "I don't have a Standing Order." Umm...ok, I must have misunderstood. Yes, I must have misunderstood when the clerk told me all this stuff is in the Judge's Standing Order, that she had a Standing Order. Go figure. And if there is no Standing Order, then why hasn't BC filed a Pretrial Brief?? Maybe...because she's a bitch??

Bush Speak

“When it comes to creating jobs for American workers, we are turning the corner and we're not going back.”
– President Bush, 8/4/04

VERSUS

“The nation's payroll growth slowed dramatically in July with a paltry 32,000 jobs being added - a potentially troubling sign that the rough patch the economy hit in June was no aberration.”
– CNN, 8/6/04

And even if Bush didn't lie about Iraq and al Quaeda, all he's done is show that he's really too stupid to analyze evidence, as are those that he surrounds himiself with.

President Bush said on 9/25/02 that "you can't distinguish between al Qaeda and Saddam." He said this, even though top lawmakers from his own party, like Sen. Chuck Hagel (R-NE), acknowledged weeks beforehand that "Saddam is not in league with al Qaeda" and that "I have not seen any intelligence that would lead me to connect Saddam Hussein to al Qaeda." Immediately after Bush made his initial claim, USA Today reported several intelligence experts "expressed skepticism" about the claim, with a Pentagon official calling the president's assertion an "exaggeration." No matter, Bush ignored these concerns and described Saddam Hussein as "a man who loves to link up with al Qaeda." Defense Secretary Donald Rumsfeld said the evidence was "bulletproof…accurate and not debatable." Only weeks later, Europe's top terrorism investigator reported "We have found no evidence of links between Iraq and al Qaeda." Nonetheless, Powell ignored this and stood before the United Nations and claimed there was a "sinister nexus between Iraq and the al Qaeda." A month later, Rice backed him up, saying al Qaeda "clearly has had links to the Iraqis."

Thanks to The Center for American Progress.

This isn't what it looks like on tv...

I never though I’d have to hash out deposition dates two weeks before trial (for the case that’s going to trial). Yes, this is Bitch Counsel. Yes, she has been refusing to return my calls for more than a WEEK concerning the two witnesses she wants to depose and the one witness I want to depose. (For the record, the person I want to depose is her expert, who was not designated until July 23.) Today, we left a voicemail saying since she hasn’t gotten back, they are filling up their calendars, and unless we heard from her, we are subpoenaing her expert, and we don’t care if she’s busy. Yes, we are irritated.

With my upcoming trial, I’ve been living in this case since...I can’t remember the life before this case. I’m clueless as to what a jury will think of this case - I can’t get a sense because I’m so enveloped in it, you know? So what I propose is this: I wanna run the case by you. I wanna discuss Plaintiff’s theory of the case, our theory of the case, and get a sense what you think of the case. I’m debating whether I should post it here, or whether I should just solicit interested individuals. But it would help me out so much in discussing who to call, what evidence to present, and so forth. Any mock jury takers??

Later, I’ll talk about being robbed and being yelled at by the Judge. It’s been a banner day!

It's Premature To Call This Post "Mission Accomplished"

When I was back in high school, I had the biggest crush on "random guy" in Janet Jackson’s video Again. He was adorable, with this incredibly blue eyes (and even had a tear run down his cheek at the end when he offered her a ring!) wore blue jeans and a white button down (except it wasn’t buttoned up!) poet-y type shirt (which remain, along with blue jeans and a nice sweater, knee quaking to me) and this amazingly cool hair past the shoulders. In short, he was my ideal guy. In fact, the "random guy" in Janet’s video made the song for me. Happily, I can now enough the aesthetically pleasing "random guy" at my whim now, thanks to Launch. Ahh...sometimes I think technology is a wonderful thing.

Last night, I’m watching CSI. I had heard earlier this season that Coco Crisp, the Indians center fielder who has one of the best names in all of baseball, had a brother who was on either CSI or Without A Trace. And it occurred to me last night that it was probably Gary Dourdan, who plays Warrick, a pretty well-developed, likeable but flawed, and under-utilized character who is, quite bluntly, hot. (Ok, part of the reason I'm a CSI fan is Gary Dourdan and George Eads. Yes, I'm shallow.) Much like "random guy" in Janet Jackson’s video, Gary Dourdan has these amazingly blue eyes (a particular weakness of mine, one that is most unfortunate given my inherent conviction that blond haired guys are objectively unattractive, which most blue-eyed boys are, thanks to that who DNA thing). So today I Googled Coco and Gary's name together (no matches, by the way) . . . and inadvertently discovered through an interview that Gary Dourdan's appearances include...the random guy in Janet Jackson’s video Again! (You saw that coming, huh?) So now, my crush in 1993 has a name! How great is that?! No more "random guy" for me anymore!!

Now if anyone knows who Coco Crisp’s brother is...

I Love Being A Battleground State...

From ACT and MoveOn comes the Vote For Change Tour. This is a coalition of musicians who are brought together by a single idea--the need to make a change in the direction of our country. Bands include, among others (I initially had inter alia, but took it out for the non- dork lawyers who might be reading thing): REM (see where this is going?), Dave Mathews Band, Pearl Jam, Bruce Springsteen, Bonnie Raitt, the Dixie Chicks, James Taylor, John Fogerty, Jackson Brown, John Melloncamp. Not one style of music. Though all outspoken left of center artists who stringly believe that this is the most important election of our lifetime. This Vote for Change Tour is separate bills on the same night in selected cities. Total, it includes more than 40 shows in 30 cities in 9 "battleground"states over the course of 10 days.

And other than thinking this is a kick ass idea, how does this affect me? (Because, as usual, it's all about me...And let's get real, what are the odds that (1) the concert comes to Cleveland and (2) more importantly, REM comes to Cleveland?? I mean, the artists just sorts dividied up cities to go to and a few dates among those ten days. And while Ohio is a battleground state, Cuyahoga County necessarily isn't.

WELL, because I've obviously been a VERY GOOD GIRL this year, fate (which cruel-ly destroyed any opportunity to meet perhaps the biggest asshole ever, Simon Cowell, let alone the ultimate uber-dork Ryan) has seen fit that R.E.M. is performing in Cleveland (YES, CLEVELAND!) on October 2!!

Check out here for more details, including a link to the entire tour schedule. (And in all of my REM concert goingness, they have ALWAYS closed with It's The End Of The World As We Know It (And I Feel Fine). And as an extremely political song (when it's not being the romantic song I'll walk down the aisle to) for a concert for political reason, I am already salivating with the breathless anticipation of hearing it live once again. There is perfection, and there is my current satisfaction with life...(assuming I can get tickets...)

From MoveOn.PAC
MoveOn PAC just announced a concert tour called "Vote For Change" with an amazing lineup of artists doing 40 shows in 9 battleground states in October. It's a coalition of musicians brought together by a single idea — the need to make a change in the direction of our country.
Tickets won't go onsale to the public for a few weeks, but people who sign up on the MoveOn list (and people who are already members) can sign up at this website for a chance at pre-sale tickets. It's free and just takes a second. Just go here:
http://www.moveonpac.org/vfc
It's an incredible lineup -- Pearl Jam, Bruce Springsteen, R.E.M., Dave Matthews Band, Jurassic 5, Dixie Chicks, James Taylor, Jackson Browne, Bonnie Raitt, John Mellencamp, Kenny "Babyface" Edmonds, and more...
Sign up while you have the chance and be a part of the concert event of a generation.

Ryan is mocking me...

So, about three weeks ago, I turn 28. Six days after my birthday, Fox announced that the age limit on American Idol was raised from 26 to 28. Next, Cleveland becomes the first city where American Idol 4 Auditions are held. Finally, the topping on the cake, a mere ten days ago, I sang It’s The End Of The World As We Know It (And I Feel Fine) - my crowning debut into American singing idiolatry. Obviously, it’s fate. People can start lining up THIS MORNING at 6 am for tomorrow’s auditions.

BUT WAIT! I’m a lawyer! I’m a lawyer with a trial starting in less than three weeks. I’m a lawyer with a trial starting in less than three weeks with TO DO list that is a mile long. Or at least an entire yellow legal pad in TWO AND A HALF COLUMNS (Ok, 2 colums and 5 lines into colums 3, satisfied?). But let’s be realistic, to someone as melodramatic as I, it might as well BE a mile long. So what does this mean? No American Idol for you. (Bonus points if read with the inflection of the Soup Nazi.)

Anyway, this is a cruel enough twist of fate, more than any Stephanie should be forced to endure. But do you know where my office is? It’s on the 21st floor of a building -- with a perfect view of Cleveland Browns Stadium, where the auditions are held. Which means that I see all these people lining up, like some sort of cattle being prodded at and poked and provoked until sounds come out of their mouth. In other words, the perfect Tuesday.

Oh, cruel world!

"Stephanie, out!"

Now, I still think it's possible he eats children...

But Michael Moore is wisely responding to criticism that the allegations in his movie are not true by providing documentation for many of them. Some of his allegations are proven true in the 9/11 Commission Report. For others he cites to newspapers and television reports at the time.

Section One covers the facts in Fahrenheit 9/11 from the 2000 election to George W. Bush's extended visit to Booker Elementary on the morning of September 11th. [Hysterical. Tick tock...]

Section Two covers the facts in Fahrenheit 9/11 from Bush's failure to meet with Richard Clarke, to the August 6th memo, and ends with the Saudi flights out of the US after 9/11.

Section Three covers the facts in Fahrenheit 9/11 from Osama's relations with his family through Bush's military records and ends with Bush's business history, including Arbusto, Harken and the Carlyle Group. [This part of the movie I admit that I felt was somewhat weak b/c there is little evidence that Osama's relatives have anything to do with him. I felt like he was trying to manipulate me, the same was I feel that Bush often tries to manipulate me with words like "terrorism" and "homeland security."]

Section Four covers the facts in Fahrenheit 9/11 covers the Carlyle Group and Saudi money in the United States and its connection to the Bush family, their friends and associates.

Section Five covers the facts in Fahrenheit 9/11 from Saudi Arabia's involvement in 9/11 through the natural gas pipeline in Afghanistan. [What I also felt was stretched a bit.]

Section Six covers the facts in Fahrenheit 9/11 from the Patriot Act through the war in Iraq. [And this part on civil liberties, my personal pet peeve, is just scary.]

Of course, I still think that the movie is kinda like gum; in making it stick, he stretches it out incredibly far and pokes some holes in it. I think it's more effective just to stick the whole goo on the wall. You don't cover as much, but what you cover, ain't no holes in. But


And I know I posted this a while back, but because it's so on topic (and so funny), David Letterman’s Top Ten List from June 29, 2004: “Top Ten George W. Bush Complaints About 'Fahrenheit 9/11'":
10. That actor who played the President was totally unconvincing.
9. It oversimplified the way I stole the election.
8. Too many of them fancy college-boy words.
7. If Michael Moore had waited a few months, he could have included the part where I get him deported.
6. Didn't have one of them hilarious monkeys who smoke cigarettes and gives people the finger.
5. Of all Michael Moore's accusations, only 97% are true.
4. Not sure - - I passed out after a piece of popcorn lodged in my windpipe. [Did you ever think that the pretzel should have taken one for the team?]
3. Where the hell was Spider-man?
2. Couldn't hear most of the movie over Cheney's foul mouth.
1. I thought this was supposed to be about dodgeball.