Why I Love Andy Borowitz (With Obvious Boozer Bitterness in the Specific Archived Post I Choose)

Isn't this reason enough?
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BASEBALL PLAYERS STRIKE

Demand ‘Extra Payment’ For Running to First Base

With the new baseball season barely underway, major league players went on strike today over what some observers are calling the most divisive issue to hit the game in years: the right to be paid extra for running to first base.

“For years, baseball players have been running to first base for free – and we’re fed up,” said players’ rep Ted Cooley in a press briefing in Anaheim, California yesterday.

“It is high time that the owners stop treating us like indentured servants and start treating us like the entitled millionaires that we are,” Cooley said.

Under the formula presented by the players’ union, a player would receive $1000 extra for running to first base, $5,000 for running to second, $10,000 for running to third, and $25,000 for running home.

In addition, ATM machines would be posted at all four bases so that players could receive their so-called "base-running surcharge" in a timely fashion.

Predictably, the owners responded to the players’ strike demands with howls of protest.

“If the players want to get paid extra for what they do, then we owners should get paid extra for what we do, which is absolutely nothing,” one owner said.

To bolster their objections, the owners released a sobering report that predicted that by the year 2009, the price of an average baseball ticket would soar to $8,000, not including parking or peanuts.

The report drew an immediate reaction from players’ rep Ted Cooley.

“If the owners are going to start charging $8000 a ticket,” he said, “we want to get paid extra for showering.”
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Seriously, he is brilliant. Hysterical. Think about how I started this am. First, I woke up at 5:30 because I'm getting wet. It's raining and the rain is coming in through the windows - no where near my bed - and getting me wet, it's raining so hard. I close all the windows (despite the fact that it's humid).

Now it's like 8 and I DON'T WANT TO GET UP! No desire. I want to call off. But I have to interview a witness today. I have not called in "sick" in about four months. (I usually plan them ahead of time - like on Fridays - and work from home, so I only work about 5 hours.) So I get up, decide to open the windows. Open the ones in the bedroom, open the one in the guest bathroom...and promptly set off my alarm. It's loud, by the way. Who knew. So I went and turned it off and figured "it was quick, it was ok." So I'm wandering around and my phone rings. It's my security people ready to send the police because of the alarm going off. How do you explain, "I'm an idiot and didn't think any upstairs windows were on the alarm?" (Well, just like that.)

Then, when I got to the parking garage, I walked into the wall. This is not that unusual. I walk into walls about three or four times a day. I'm not sure why, but whatever. Unfortunately, THIS time it was something sticking OUT from the wall and I tore my shirt and I broke my skin and I had stinging tears in my eyes. It hurt. And on top of which, it was on my sunburn.

DESPITE ALL THIS, when I got to work, I read my two comics, LuAnn and For Better and For Worse and read my Borowitz Report, and all was well in the world. Yay!