Stepford Wives

Where are those perfect people?? Those people who don't spill on themself when drinking (water!), who don't drop toothpaste on themselves when brushing their teeth (requiring one to wash the clothes; who ever knew that toothpaste stained), who don't walk into the walls on a daily basis, who don't write on their faces with their pens approximately every other day, who don't wear black shoes with a navy suit. I have heard that such people exist...I am not sure if it's a tolkienesque rumor, or if it's true, or what. But I want to be one of them. Today, I manded to do all of the above...in a single day. Surely some sort of scatterbrained dork record.

It must be because I'm out of oxygen. I had this bottle of liquid oxygen that was to "oxygenate the body, purify water and assist health, energy, and regulating female chemistry." I'm not exactly sure what that even means, and to be honest, I hadn't even noticed a difference before, but suddenly, knowing it's gone, I'm exhausted and ready for a vacation.

And understand that I hate the Yankees. I hate everything about them. Their hats. Their owner. Their payroll. Their smug smiles. Their fans. Their sense of entitlement. Their uniforms. Everyone who dons a Yankee uniform. Despite that, I don't actually want anyone to die. So here's praying for a speedy recovery.