He that never changes his opinions, never corrects his mistakes, will never be wiser on the morrow than he is today.--Tryon Edwards

I asked a friend how he's changed in the last 5 years, and he responded accordingly, and then turned the question around. It seems like such an easy question, doesn't it? It's actually not. I just write without thinking, but my response surprised even me. My response:

I've been with me for so long that changing was a gradual process rather than a life altering event that caused any change (if such a thing is even possible anywhere but in books and movies), and yet there are times when I don't even remember the girl that I once was. I know that I'm still wearing the same crystal necklace that I wore then, b/c I've worn it since I was 14, but I suspect you are looking for something deeper than that. I’m sillier, but not sillier than I was, just sillier than you knew me as. You knew the philosophical and political Stephanie, which I used to separate, but it’s now just part of the entire mess of Stephanie. So from the person who you wrote to, I’m definitely sillier. I would also assume that I’ve matured in five years, but sometimes I find myself dealing with situations in the same way that I did before. Seeing myself do it, but not being able to stop from doing it. Sometimes I worry that I haven’t grown at all. Except back then I wouldn’t have recognized it I guess. Unlike you, I’m still naive, and try to hold onto that, actually. That and my idealism are all I have to change the world. (Other than my intellect, naturally.) ;-) However, I’ve become cynical as well, which always makes for an interesting dichotomy. Actually, I think, like Billy Joe Armstrong, that I’m a walking contradiction. More than before because I used to see everything in terms of black and white, and I’m less likely to do that now and see all the grey. I don’t try to antagonize people as much now, but I think I may actually inadvertently do so more. I’m currently off my ADHD medication (you probably can tell from my meanderings in this message, actually!) I probably trust less in things - God, friends, humanity, the jury system, the Supreme Court, America, the world, the future - but I have just as much hope for them. Actually, I probably have more hope. I see how great things can be. In the last year or so, I’ve started to realize that parents divorcing actually *does* make a difference in their children’s lives down the road and watching myself interact sometimes is interesting. Unlike you, I must be more public in my liberalness somehow. People can somehow tell. In May, I was at a wedding for a law school friend. We were sitting at the table talking at the rehearsal dinner, talking about sports and pop culture and the fiancé of one of my friends says to me, "you’re a liberal, aren’t you." I swear, the conversation never once turned to politics before that point. Maybe it’s pheromones?

Why can't I really articulate a change in 5 years? I mean, other than the "I-used-to-be-a-law-student-and-now-I'm-a-lawyer" change. Seriously, have I not changed? Isn't that the mark of a failure of a human being? To be so inflexible that you refuse to change? And I know that no one has really known me long enough to answer that question, but it causes some concern for me. A reevaluation, if you will. Gosh, I hate that.