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The Return of Bitch Counsel

So Bitch Counsel never *really* left my life. She was more like a sunburn. It stops hurting, but then it starts to peal and itch. (Like how I pretended I know something about sunburns after I've had two of them in my 28 years of existence?)

Anyway, yes, we settled the case, but they have been fighting over the settlement for 6 weeks now. I say "they" because I have had nothing to do with it. Bitch counsel is evil incarnate, and I want nothing to do with her. So the junior partner and she have been going back and forth. She files a motion on Tuesday to enforce the settlement b/c we say that we didn't agree to things that she said we agreed to. (I so fear this settlement is going to unravel...)

The junior partner drafts something to file today, when we realized on Friday that today is Columbus Day, so lots of people won't be at work (or so I'm told) and the courts will be closed. So we have to file it Friday. One problem with this: neither the junior partner nor Yoda (the senior partner) were in on Friday. D'oh! So the partner whose client is was edited the junior partner's brief and brought it to me to sign. (He can't sign it b/c he's not an attorney or record on the case. I was the only attorney of record in the office.) So I sign the motion and filed it.

So I get a letter today from Bitch Counsel stating that that the brief contains a factual misrepresentation concerning interest and stuff that I have no idea about because, again, I didn't write the motion. Truthfully, I didn't even read the Motion. I just signed it. (Talk to me about Rule 11 sanctions later.) Anyway, she writes, "It is notable that Stephanie, rather than [the junior partner] signed the motion, since I have never had any conversation with Stephanie regarding interesting on the settlement." (Umm...actually, it wasn't notable at all, I was the only one of record in the office; it's just the way things work in a big firm...)

Anyway, I freak out (who? me? hard to believe, huh?) and take it to the partner who's client it was. He tells me he'll take care of it. 15 minutes later, Yoda called me. Our conversation:
Yoda: Hey Steph, how are you. (I hate "Steph" by the way, an NO, none of you can call me Steph unless you are Yoda.)
Me: The letter?
Yoda: You know, I have to say Steph, this is a real serious thing, lying to the court. You can't be doing that in court pleadings.
Me: I didn't write the brief. [Junior partner] wrote it and [partner who's client it is] edited it.
Yoda: Denying culpability. That's not an excuse. It's unacceptable. It's exactly what the Nazi's did. [Wait a minute, did he SERIOUSLY just compare me to a nazi? For real?? Oh my God. At this point, he kept talking about things but I was so stunned and so scared that I have no idea what he said. Literally. Never happened to me before. I knew at the moment that Yoda was going to fire me.] :( All of a sudden, I hear muffled laughter in the background. Yoda tells me:
Yoda: It's all right, Steph, I have the real culprits here. You have been doing a great job with everything.
Me (still stunned): Yoda! That was mean! Was [junior partner] in on it? Oh, [junior partner], I thought we were friends.

So...that was my day. I've been made fun of the entire time. And what's worse, the KNOW how gullible I am. They just took advantage of my trusting nature. I'm the same person who believed that my secretary could fire me (long story. But she was convincing, which resulted in me telling a named partner for "fuck that" when he tried to give me an assignment.)


  • At 10:39 AM, Blogger Dennis! said…

    I know it's probably not what you want to hear... but damn, that's pretty funny.

  • At 10:45 AM, Blogger Jason said…

    Look at it this way. We play the cruelest jokes on the ones we love. That the joke cut that close to the bone means they really like you. Take it as a compliment.

  • At 2:56 PM, Blogger Esther Kustanowitz said…

    I'm still laughing on senior counsel being called "Yoda." That's comedy gold, baby...

  • At 4:57 PM, Blogger Eden said…

    Just wanted to say that as a Real Life Stephanie, I never paid much attention to the "Steph"s. Could be that I don't mind it b/c my mother hated to hear it and I embraced it in return. Is a little disconcerting when watching "All The Right Moves" and "Pretty in Pink" when it refers to guys. Gak. ;)


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