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13.10.04

Get Out And Vote

Check out this incentive to vote that Jason found. People are pledging to vote on election day. They are also pledging to have sex election night. People sign up as either a citizen (pledging to withhold sex from non-voters for the week following the election), a patriot (pledging to have sex with a voter on election night and withhold sex from non-voters for the week following the election), or an American hero (pledging to have sex with a voter on election night and withhold sex from non-voters for the next four years). Disclaimers include:

**Pledge-fulfilling sex must be consensual, legal, and generous. And safe. And hot.
**Acceptable sexual positions include, but are not limited to: missionary, doggy-style, cowgirl, reverse cowgirl, leapfrog, butterfly, humpback whale, cling wrap, squashing of the deck chair, accordion, reverse piggy-back, advanced ("twin") leapfrog. Male-male, female-female, group, and oral variations of these positions can also be used to satisfy the pledge.
**Taking the pledge indicates a good-faith effort to abide by its provisions. Pledge-takers who have violated withholding provisions become effective non-voters, and are barred from sex with fellow pledge-takers.
**Pledge-takers who fail to vote are forbidden from masturbating. (Exemption: pledge-takers who are not eligible to vote are encouraged to masturbate frequently.)
**"Cybersex" does not satisfy the pledge, dorkwad.
**Non-voters may render themselves eligible for sex with American Heroes by voting at least twice in local, primary, and/or 2006 congressional races. Those voting in only one such race qualify to perform, but not receive, oral sex on American Heroes.
**Achievement of a Votergasm during election-night sex is probable, but not guaranteed. Those encountering difficulty reaching Votergasm are encouraged to slow things down, talk about it, and reduce the pressure. Other techniques include the use of massage oils, toys, "dirty talk," "ballot stuffing," and "exit polls."
**Per the U.S. Constitution, children conceived on election night are eligible for gigantic interest-free loans from the U.S. government, and special t-shirts.


There are even Votergasm Parties - I assume they can still be called by their traditional name -- orgies. Somewhere, the porn industry is addressing the problem that politics is messing with their turf...


And Matt devised a nice little drinking game for the debate tomorrow. Me, I'll be in some hotel (hopefully) in Columbus. I HATE Columbus, best friend who lives there aside, because the first time I went there was for the bar exam, the most miserable three days of my life. So yes, I hold it against the city years later. (Ok, 3 years later, and I've held grudges a hell of a lot longer). This is for the Midwest Labor and Employment Law Conference. Truly, this is as exciting as life gets. Unfortunately, I need to report this year, and I am 12 CLE credits shy. (Actually, as of today, I'm 17 shy, but we have our firm seminar at the end of the month that is required for another 5 credits.) So this is a nice, two day jaunt that gives me 12 credits. How perfect is life? This means I won't have to take bankruptcy law CLE credits in December. AND since I already have my "lawyers-are-alcoholics-who-abuse-drugs-with-the-highest-suicide-rate-and-you-can't-sleep-with-clients-and-don't-lie-to-the-court" ethics/substance abuse/professionalism CLE (we need 2 1/2 hours every 2 years - in case we forget these things) I'm all good to go and Ohio will let me practice law for another two years...

4 Comments:

  • At 9:05 AM, Blogger p.p. said…

    Hilarious post. Apparently, I have “lost” my invitation to a “Votergasm” Party. But the mail hasn’t arrived yet today, so there is still hope.

     
  • At 9:41 AM, Blogger Jason said…

    Speaking of the porn industry taking a political stand... check out Porn For Progress.

     
  • At 12:48 PM, Blogger Jen(nifer) said…

    Jason, ah yes Porn for Progress. I have that post saved as a draft for the future, since I didn't want to give Kerry supporters a reason to donate $$$ in teh last few weeks of the election, but now since you mention it, I shall put it up early : )

     
  • At 6:37 PM, Blogger Matthew said…

    Interesting post!

    I think I can safely qualify as an 'American hero.'

    Oh, and thanks for the link. :-)

    Take care.

     

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