On Tuesday afternoon, I was called and asked if I had a few hours to do a quick research assigment. Unfortunately, I had the time. It is Thursday. I've billed 15 hours already, and I don't have an answer. Or even close to one. I do, however, have a headache that not even my sweet Excedrin can cure, and a sense of desperation that is permeating me, along with a total sense of failure...I think it works on me.

The worst part isn't that I'm wasting my time (which I am) or the client's money (which I am), it's completely the sense of failure. I am a typical Type A personality. I may not always seem like it, but I've a complete Type A. Ironically, among my friends, I'm in the minority.

Time-impatience . Perhaps this is a function of keeping track of your life in 6 minute incriments, but I can't stand waiting at the store or restaurant. I multitask, but this means that I haven't watched a tv show (without also reading a book, doing work, being on the computer, talking on the telephone) probably since college. And that was only because my housemates were sitting around, so I did. When I'm at work on a conference call, I'll also be writing thoughts down for another case, even as I'm taking notes on the conference call. I can't even drive without doing SOMETHING else (usually talking). Otherwise, I'm just wasting my time. Oh, and stupidity in others drives me absolutely up the wall. It's everywhere, and I think it was created solely to destroy me.

Plus, people *depend* on you. And you disappoint them. That's a tought pill to swallow. I think the first time I realized I disappointed someone was when I forgot to take my ball to soccer practice when I was seven, and I had to share with someone. It's a bit more serious now. And a different feeling. They can give you the "I'm disappointed in you" look, but it doesn't matter, you've already been singing your theme song ("Miserable failure of an adult !") for some time anyway. :(

Not a good day.