Because "I'm Greek" Should Be An Explanation For Everything In Life

So did I mention that I had a bridal shower on Sunday? My cousin who’s wedding I’m missing b/c I chose to go to the Vote for Change (REM!) concert. Anyway, his fiancé is a real trip. And I don’t necessarily mean that in a good way. She is loco. I don’t understand how my two cousins, both "regular" guys themselves, found themselves with spoiled princesses. Greek princesses, yes, but spoiled princesses nonetheless. This one is a real funny one - she doesn’t like to touch people. Translated: she freaks out if you try to hug her. I want to sit her down and make sure she understands the implications of marrying into OUR family, because, well, that ain’t going to fly.

But to my Sunday. First, understand that the entire process of registering for gifts etc would bore the heck of our me. A brief sample of what I’ll be like, "It’s a fork, just like all the other forks in this store, for the love of God I don’t give a damn what fork we get. I don’t care if it’s plastic. I don’t care if we get one of every fork and they don’t match. I don’t care. Can we go HOME now? The game is on."

Second, understand that I don’t get why you need an "everyday" set of red wine glasses, an "everyday" set of white wine glasses, a "special occasion" set of red wine glasses, and yes, a "special occasion" set of white wine glasses. There are TWO of you, and (1) if you are drinking a bottle of red and a bottle of white "everyday" you have a problem and (2) you now have 32 (yes, 32!) wine glasses. I swear, if I had to hear the words "everyday" one more time, I was going to go insane. I had no idea that there were everyday coffee cups, everyday dishware, everyday silverware, everyday BBQ set (isn’t a BBQ by it’s nature a relaxed thing?), everyday dessert plates, everyday towels, everyday bath rugs, and everyday garbage cans (ok, I made that last one up. But she did get at least six trash cans for the bathrooms, and I’m thinking, "does she really HAVE that many bathrooms?" And then you have to see the special occasion of each one of them. And did you know that there is a special pen to sign the guest book at the reception? A pen you will never use again. I wanted to tell her to use my favorite pen, and be done with it at $3.50.

The entire process was exhausting. Oh, and for the record, my "everyday" and "special occasion" plates are black plastic that I got from K-Mart for a dollar each when I was a freshman in college. Yes, I make over $100,000 a year, and I still use the same old plastic plates (I have two small ones and four large one, along with four bowls.) Perhaps you think that it’s time to buy new plates, and I don’t necessarily disagree with you, but really, I can’t imagine anything worse than shopping for kitchen stuff.

Also exhausting were my relatives. Only half of the relatives there were mine, the rest were hers. Which means only HALF the stuff. Now, we just had a MAJOR reunion at the end of July, which meant I saw every one of these people five weeks ago. Then I had a Greek festival last weekend, which meant I saw half of these people a week ago. No matter. We are Greek. That should be enough. Really, I should be able to use that as an excuse for everything in life:

Clerk (of Court): "The limit on court pleadings is 20 pages. This went 40 pages."
Me: "I’m Greek."
Clerk (of Court): "Oh, I’m sorry, I had no idea. [Because it’s over the phone and he can’t see me.] That’s within the page limit then."

or

Random stranger: "Do you have to talk so loud?"
Me: "I’m Greek."
Random stranger: "Oh, sorry. I didn’t realize. That’s within the acceptable decimal range then."

or

Salesperson: "You know, brown and blue don’t really go together."
Me: "I’m Greek."
Salesperson: "Oh, you look great." (Ok, I like blue and brown because they are obnoxious together and it upsets random people who believe in dressing well, which isn’t necessarily a Greek thing, but being Greek should still be an excuse.)

Oh my God. If I had to explain one more time how work was (SINCE I LAST SAW THEM IN THE LAST WEEK!) or why I’m 28 and not married to the good Greek lawyer they introduced me last weekend who could take care of me (do I strike you as the type who needs a man to take CARE of me? Ahh...gotta love my aunts.) I was going to shoot myself. Or just start to scream uncontrollably and give them some good gossip.

Aunt #1 (in hushed tones): "Were you there when Stephanie had her ‘little episode?’"
Aunt #2: "Oh, my, yes, poor little thing."
Aunt #1 (tsking): "Well, what can you expect? I mean, she’s 28, works all the time, and isn’t married to a good Greek boy yet."
Aunt #2 (as understanding dawns): "No wonder she had a nervous breakdown."

I should just prepare a written statement and hand it out. It would save me pain. And all the conversations are related anyway. "But WHY, Stephanie, why must you work all the time? You know, if you married a good Greek boy, then he could take care of you and you would be married and you wouldn’t have to work so much anymore." Sigh.

But at these events, there are those table gifts they give away. My cousins had what I presume are "everyday" glass coffee cups. Now, I don’t drink coffee, but my entire glassware collection in my house is made up of one or two things that I’ve gotten (either free or "free") from wine tasting, beer tastings, and Dennys. So I’m most excited to have yet another piece of glassware that I won’t use. (I generally don’t use glassware b/c I’m a klutz and would break it. Thus see the K-Mart plastic plates, described above.) But my immediate relatives sitting at the table with me are saddened that I am excited about one glass. They say everyday has to be at least six. (All these rules to keep straight!!) So between my mom, three aunts, and one stolen from the table make a collection of six. You know what this mean? I have SIX glasses that match. I am most impressed with my domestic brilliance.

Later I will explain why last night was the single best day in the world...