A college friend and I were talking the other day. We concluded that there are two different types of people in relationships: chases and runners. Actually, I guess there are three different types of people. The third are masochists...They are the types who chase what they want, but know that they are never going to get what they want.

Anyway, I am a runner. It's in my nature. And I'm ok with that, for the most part. I am petrified at the thought of getting caught, and I don't have a great desire to chase anyone else. (Every so often I'll try on the masochist role, but that's more because I know that since they are runners themselves, it's safe for me. I can pretend to be all open and whatnot, without the risk. So I get to play the victim, and it's only those who really know me who can laugh and understand my motivation, that I would never chase if I thought that the guy didn't have even more issues than I do. I know it sounds impossible, but there are a few of them out there, and I try to save them all.)

So anyway, today at lunch, another college friend was talking about my tendency to run away. And she brought up a valid point - if I say that I want to one day (emphasis on "one day") get married and have kids, ummm.... I gotta stop running sooner or later. Cause that's not generally the first quality to a successful relationship. (For the record, I'm not opposed to relationships. I'm opposed to *me* in relationships. That one doesn't work so well. Though as she pointed out, how the hell would I know, because I stop them before they get to that level. The husband of another college friend commented that it appeared that I was scared to get hurt. Who needs therapists when you have friends who are willing to be honest with you?)

Anyway, her point. Very true. Very valid. And in order for my growth as an adult (as fucked up as the adult me may be) it is very important to have my friends challenge me -- and to be honest, she is one of only a few who will actually do so. (I said one of the FEW Alli, not the only one!!) So that's appreciated. Though I think I've done a magnificant job at being better in the last year at opening up and trusting people. Of course, that's sorta like someone with a batting average below the Mendoza Line considering it an accomplishment once they hit .200. It isn't exactly like I'm going to make the "Trusting People Hall of Fame" here or anything. So perhaps I shouldn't exactly pull a muscle patting myself on the back too much. But hey, at least the thought of getting caught doesn't send me twitching with convulsions in the fetal position, ready to slip into a coma at any moment anymore. That's progress, right?)

So where was I with this? Oh, yes, walls. I was talking to another friend last week about his particular walls, which prevent him from trusting people. Stereotypical walls. But I think that in some ways, mine are more complex, because they aren't as immediately apparent and then sucker punch people. I'm awesome at casual. (Note I did not say that my walls were "higher" or "worse" or anything like that. I'm not all Morrissey where I think that my devils are any worse than anyone else's demons. My best friend would never get away with that anyway. Her comment to me this week - not in reference to me but in reference to someone else - was that she hated when people thought that they were so much more complex and difficult than everyone else, because everyone else around them thinks the same thing as well. But my walls aren't any better or worse. But they are less apparent, which can be more complcated because others don't realize right away that I have walls - I appear to be relatively open.)

Where was I again? Oh, yes, my particlar issues. I do casual, and, as an extrovert (yes, I can accept it now. I've fought it for months, but I've come to accept it), people don't realize that that is the easy part. It's the next part that paralyzes me. Call it sorority girl formal rush mode (experience that I've needed to use on more than one first date...), but I can be all extroverted and tell stories and rant and all sorts of things (this also leads me to experience a totally different first date than the person I'm with. I may think it's the most painful experience of my life, ala formal rush, but the guy has no idea. Seriously, you all are clueless. But I digress.)

So my walls work in reverse, it makes me keep all sorts of people around me, so that at any time I can call up a dozen people that I don't really care about, so no one person is around with any real power or control over me. If there are 12 different people, my theory was that no one person could hurt you. You would care about them all equally, right?

I'm learning that might not be the case...

I wish I had some sort of conclusion for you all. Some sort of epiphany that made it worth reading this far b/c you realized that I had grown as an adult, right in front of your eyes.

I don't.