EVOLUTION, INTELLIGENT DESIGN FAIL TO EXPLAIN BUSH
Scientists in Oslo Debate Origin of President

At a conference being held this week in Oslo, Norway, over one thousand of the world's leading scientists have concluded that neither the theory of evolution nor the theory of intelligent design adequately explain President George W. Bush.

The conference, which organizers hoped would shed new light on the origin of the U.S. president, has so far led to more bafflement than insight, according to the University of Tokyo's Hiroshi Kyosuke.

"There are some here who firmly believe that the theory of evolution explains President Bush, since he shares many characteristics in common with the chimpanzee," said Mr. Kyosuke, one of the world's leading zoologists. "And yet, if you put him and a chimp side by side, it is hard to say with any confidence that Mr. Bush has evolved."

Similarly, supporters of the intelligent design theory have been frustrated in their attempts to apply that theory to President Bush, Mr. Kyosuke said.

"Most efforts to call Mr. Bush the result of intelligent design crumble to dust the moment he opens his mouth," Mr. Kyosuke said. "So we're really back to square one."

As for Mr. Bush's refusal to speak to antiwar activist Cindy Sheehan, Mr. Kyosuke said that he has developed a new theory to explain this phenomenon.

"I believe that President Bush is like 'The 40-Year-Old Virgin,'" Mr. Kyosuke said. "He's afraid to talk to a woman."

Elsewhere, in his first major policy address since announcing his candidacy for governor of New York, former Massachusetts Governor William Weld said, "On second thought, the Red Sox suck."

I simply adore Andy Borowitz...