So the story about my secretary. This was my 4th secretary. She was ok. She made a lot of mistakes, and because I don’t recheck my secretary’s work, I got in trouble often. (Namely, letters going to the wrong clients, or with the wrong case name, or with names spelled wrong, etc. Yes, this is MY responsibility to make sure that it was all correct. I just sign things that are put in front of me. I joke that I’m going to sign away my house and not have a clue.)

Anyway, the secretary was a gossip, but she was always accurate. I have no idea how she found everything out, but she did. She knew that a few partners were leaving the firm, what partners were leaving, when they were leaving, and where they were going. She knew that an associate was pregnant and told everyone two months before the associate told anyone here. She was a wealth of information.

Now first, understand the mentality at the firm at this time. There were the rumors that the partners were leaving the firm and taking a sizable amount of business. Fears that we’d then be overstaffed, etc. In fact, in my review earlier that month, I had asked whether I should be concerned and look for another position. I was told no. But the rumor mill (also accurate) was that they had asked two people to move on. So firm love wasn’t necessarily strong. And security wasn’t necessarily there.

Anyway, she comes to me and says that she’s leaving at the end of the month. I say ok. She says she’s been fired. I again say ok. (I can carry on entire conversations without really engaging in them. It’s a gift.) She says that she was told that she wasn’t needed anymore. I saw ok. She says that her one assignment was leaving at the end of the month. I say ok. She finally says, "Listen to me, they don’t need me because they are letting you go." Ok, THAT made me pay attention.

So now I’m investigating. I ask her other assignment if she was leaving at the end of the month. Yes, she was, how did I know, she just informed the management committee earlier that day. I ask my office administrator if my secretary was being let go. Yes. (Understand that attorneys usually have a say in whether their secretaries are being let go.) I ask what is going to happen to me. "Don’t worry about it." I was told.

Now I’m convinced. And pissed. I mean, I had ASKED a few weeks earlier and was told now. Pissed. I bitched to another associate I’m friends with, but I’m pissed.

So flash two or three days ahead. A senior partner - a NAMED partner - comes into my office to ask me if I can do a research assignment, due at the end of the month. My answer: "You’re firing me anyway, so fuck your assignment."

Well...just as my secretary’s news that they were firing me caused an immediate reaction in me, my statement caused an immediate reaction in the partner. My takes a step into my office, slams my door, and says, "WHAT?!"

So I tell him what my secretary said, etc. He immediately walks out of my office. No idea what’s going on. But in my mind, if I wasn’t fired before, I sure am now.

About 45 minutes, an hour later, I get called into the managing partner's office. Great...I get there and the named partner and my secretary's other assignment was there. He told us that he fired her and that she was gone. He said that she told him that I made the entire thing up. Luckily, the other associate said that no, our secretary had told her a week earlier that I was being fired. (The managing partner also told us that he generally hates firing people, but it felt good to fire her.)

So that's my secretary who tried to fire me. Every so often, someone here will razz me for believing her. Oh well, I'm trusting. Worse things to be, right?

The best(??) part is that this isn't even the best story about secretaries in our office. Rather, one of the other associates had a really bad secretary. She would take long (2 hour) lunch breaks, she would disappear for hours on end. As some point, the associate realized that she was spending way too much time on the internet. So he shot an email to the office manager stating that he wanted to talk with her about his secretary because of the amount of time that she had been spending online instead of doing his work that needed to get out, etc.

Immediately afterwards, his secretary send an email to the office manager commenting that she had been trying to get something on eBay for her mom, etc., and she just wanted the office manager to know. I’m sure you can see where this is going - she was reading his outgoing emails, and read what he sent and tried to dilute it. (My secretary has access to my email. When I’m not here, she goes through my email and responds to whatever she needs to. She will read some emails into my VM. When I just don’t feel like dealing with someone, she will reply to them from my account. So this is common practice; it makes my job easier.) Because she was reading his outgoing emails etc she was terminated. She was told to pack up.

Well, she got a bit irritated about that, and so on the associates outgoing messages, she did an automated reply. Whenever anyone emailed him, a reply automatically went out saying, "Fuck you." The associate had no idea until someone replied back to him, basically saying, "what the fuck is wrong with you??" This message went to internal and external people - i.e. clients and opposing counsel. It was only a few hours before it was discovered, but still...

Along that line a forward of automated replies one could consider:

I am currently out at a job interview and will reply to you if I fail
to get the position. Be prepared for my mood.

I'm not really out of the office. I'm just ignoring you.

You are receiving this automatic notification because I am out of the
office. If I was in, chances are you wouldn't have received anything at all.

Sorry to have missed you but I am at the doctors having my brain removed so
that I may be promoted to management.

I will be unable to delete all the unread, worthless emails you send me
until I return from vacation on 4/18. Please be patient and your mail will be
deleted in the order it was received.

The e-mail server is unable to verify your server connection and is unable
to deliver this message. Please restart your computer and try sending again.
(The beauty of it is that when I return, I can see how many in-DUH-viduals did
this over and over.)

Thank you for your message, which has been added to a queuing system. You
are currently in 352nd place, and can expect to receive a reply in approximately
19 weeks. Please reply to this e-mail so I will know that you got this
message.

I am on holiday. Your e-mail has been deleted.

I've run away to join a different circus.

I will be out of the office for the next 2 weeks for medical reasons. When
I return, please refer to me as 'Loretta' instead of 'Steve'.

The ironic part is, I got that forward today, when I decided to write the other secretary story as well.


Conversation today:
Office runner: Are you going to [insert confidential assignment here]?
Me: Naw, all I usually do is sit in my office and research and write.
Office runner: But you are probably a good writer.
[Pause]
Me: I could lie to you. But yes, I am.

Where do I get the reputation of being cocky?? I just don’t get it.


Oh, and one of the most recent Google searches getting to my blog: clausterphobic in relationships.
Finally, something that I can speak intelligently about! Right up my alley! What do you need to know??


And, via Jen: (Sadly, my two favorite cities - neither of which I've ever been to - are listed.)

American Cities That Best Fit You:

60% Los Angeles

60% San Francisco

60% Washington, DC

55% Atlanta

55% Boston

Which American Cities Best Fit You?

And via Jason:


Morpheus


?? Which Of The Greek Gods Are You ??
brought to you by Quizilla

Oh, and finally what fucking team loses 2 of 3 to the fucking Royals, who had lost almost 100 games in a row? Oh, wait, that's MY fucking team...