Yet another reason I like animals better than people

This is absolutely disgusting. I am not kidding when I say that I like animals better than people most of the time. I mean, first, my dog and cats forgive me no matter how bad a mood I am in, no matter how I snap at them, if I forget something important to them, if I don't have time to play with them or pet them. They just love me unconditionally. People are never so cool. Second, they would *never* do something like that, intentionally hurting an innocent creature. I read over something like this, and I just get sick to my stomach. I hope there is a special place in hell for people who would hurt innocent animals (and children) like that. I am not overly vengeful, at least I don't think so, but I really and truly do hope that these people suffer the way that they make other creatures suffer for sport.

I need a new job

So I was working last night - or should I saw this morning, I finished a brief at 6:15 am. Now, granted, when one hasn't slept in forever, their work product is less than idea, but I get in this morning (well, late morning, it was like 11:45, but I can only do so much!) and the revised edition is on my desk - and I don't think he used anything at all. He changed the entire friggin' thing. Why bother to have me do it in the first place?? I have concluded I am a miserable failure of a lawyer. So I am taking suggestions as to new career paths I should go down. Nothing involving poles.

One Thing That Rocks...And Two Things That Don't

Ever have a feeling that you are going one step forward and two steps behind??

*Rock*

Poker With Dick Cheney
Transcript of The Editors' regular Saturday-night poker game with Dick Cheney, 6/19/04. Start tape at 12:32 AM.

The Editors: We'll take three cards.

Dick Cheney: Give me one.

Sounds of cards being placed down, dealt, retrieved, and rearranged in hand. Non-commital noises, puffing of cigars.

TE: Fifty bucks.

DC: I'm in. Show 'em.

TE: Two pair, sevens and fives.

DC: Not good enough.

TE: What do you have?

DC: Better than that, that's for sure. Pay up.

TE: Can you show us your cards?

DC: Sure. One of them's a six.

TE: You need to show all your cards. That's the way the game is played.

Colin Powell: Ladies and gentlemen. We have accumulated overwhelming evidence that Mr. Cheney's poker hand is far, far better than two pair. Note this satellite photo, taken three minutes ago when The Editors went to get more chips. In it we clearly see the back sides of five playing cards, arranged in a poker hand. Defector reports have assured us that Mr. Cheney's hand was already well advanced at this stage. Later, Mr. Cheney drew only one card. Why only one card? Would a man without a strong hand choose only one card? We are absolutely convinced that Mr. Cheney has at least a full house.

Tim Russert: Wow. Colin Powell really hit a homerun for the Administration right there. A very powerful performance. My dad played a lot of poker in World War 2, and he taught me many things about life. Read my book.

TE: He's extremely good at Power Point. But we would like to see the cards, or else we can't really be sure he has anything to beat two pair. We don't think he would lie to us, but ... well, it is a very rich pot.

Jonah Goldberg: Liberal critics of Mr. Cheney's poker hand contend that "he doesn't have anything". Oh, really, liberal critics? Cheney has already showed them the six of clubs, and yet these liberals persist in saying he has "nothing". Why do liberals consider the six of clubs to be "nothing"? Is it because the six of clubs is black?

Matt Drudge: ****DRUDGE REPORT EXCLUSIVE****
*****MUST CREDIT THE DRUDGE REPORT*****
The Drudge Report has learned that Dick Cheney has a royal flush, hearts. Developing ...

TE: Perhaps if you could just show us a subset of your cards which beat 2 pair? Or tell us exactly what your hand is?

DC: We will show you our cards after we have collected the pot. It is important that things be done in this order, otherwise the foundation of our entire poker game will be destroyed.

TE: We aren't sure ...

DC: Very good. And here are my cards. A straight flush.

Judith Miller: Dick Cheney has revealed a straight flush, confirming his pre-collection claims about beating two pair.

TE: Those cards are of different suits. It's not a flush.

Mark Steyn: When will it end? Now liberal critics complain that Dick Cheney's cards are not all the same suit. Naturally, these are the same liberals who are always whining about a lack of diversity in higher education. It seems like segregation is OK with these liberals, as long as it damages Republicans.

MD: ****DRUDGE REPORT EXCLUSIVE****
*****MUST CREDIT THE DRUDGE REPORT*****
A witness has come forward claiming that The Editors engage in racial profiling in blog-linking. Developing ...

TE: Wait! It's not even a straight! You've got a eight and ten of hearts, a six of clubs, and the seven and five of diamonds. You have a ten high. That's nothing.

Sean Hannity: Well, well, well. In another sign of liberal desperation, liberals now complain that a ten high is "nothing". Does ten equal zero in liberal mathematics? That would explain a lot.

Robert Novak: It's a perfectly valid poker hand. Apparently, liberals have never heard of a "skip straight". It's a kind of straight, just with one card missing. But if you skip around the missing nine, it's a straight.

Alan Colmes: Mother says I mustn't play poker.

TE: There is no such thing as a "skip straight".

Brit Hume: It seems like some people are still playing poker like it's September 10th. Back then, you needed to have all your cards in order to claim a straight. But, as we learned on that day, sometimes you won't have perfect knowledge. Sometimes you have to learn to connect the dots, and see the patterns which are not visible to superficial analysis of the type favored by the CIA and the State Department. Dick Cheney's skip straight is a winning poker hand for the post-9/11 world.

Rush Limbaugh: Do The Editors have two pairs, or a pair of twos? First they say one thing, then another. What are they hiding?

Andrew Sullivan: Dick Cheney never said he had a straight. He was very careful about this. His cards can form many different hands. None of these hands alone can beat a pair of twos; but, taken together, the combination of all possible hands presents a more compelling case for taking the pot than simply screaming "Pair of twos! Pair of twos!" as unprincipled liberal critics of the Vice President so often do.

MD: ****DRUDGE REPORT EXCLUSIVE****
*****MUST CREDIT THE DRUDGE REPORT*****
Did The Editors claim to have "a pair of Jews"? Are they anti-Semites as well as racists? Developing ...

Zell Miller: As a lifelong liberal Democrat, I believe Dick Cheney, and I hate liberals and Democrats.

William Safire: Why are liberals so obsessed by Dick Cheney's poker hand? The pot has been taken, the deal is done. If liberals are upset that we are no longer playing by the Marquis of Queensbury patty-cake poker rules, they clearly lack the stomach to play poker in the post-September 11th environment. And why do they never complain about Saddam Hussein's poker playing, which was a thousand times worse?

Christopher Hitchens: The Left won't be happy until the pot is divided up equally between Yassar Arafat, Osama bin Laden, and Hitler. Orwell would have seen this.

Ann Coulter: Why do liberals object so strenuously to the idea of conservatives having a "straight"? Perhaps because it doesn't fit in with the radical homosexual/Islamist agenda they hold so dear?

Report of the Bipartisan Commission on Poker Hands: There is no such thing as a "skip straight".

DC: I have access to poker rules that the Commission doesn't, and so I know for a fact that the cards in my hand are all intimately connected.

George W. Bush: Dick Cheney is telling the truth. I'm a nice man who would drink a beer with you.

Vladimir Putin: I dealt Dick Cheney three aces and two kings.

DC: My deal.

http://www.thepoorman.net/archives/002789.html



*Don't Rock*

http://www.shopmetrospy.com/cgi-bin/sc-v3/catprod.pl?client=shopmetrospy&catid=51

http://www.newtscards.com/george_w_bush_playing_cards.asp

Skydiving

So, I went skydiving this weekend. http://www.jumprun.com/ It's on my list of things to do before I die. I had to make sure it wasn't the last thing I did or else I'd die. As long as there were things still on my list, I can't die. It's like being invincible. Actually, I'm only half joking. You hear how baseball players are superstitious? So am I. Totally. I was pretty calm at first, but then when it happened, there was much freaking out going on. I noticed that it was hard to breathe up in the air. I'm not sure if that was nerves or the air itself. But it quickly passed. It was about two breaths in that just felt like someone was sitting on my chest. That's why I think it was nerves and not altitude. Then again, I was free falling pretty fast. I wasn't nervous when I was putting on the oh so sexy equipment that was so padded I couldn’t even move, I wasn't nervous getting on the plane, watching the ground get farther and farther away (there is no back to the plane so you can see it all). I wasn't nervous when we stood up to jump, or when people started jumping. But then, the person two in front of me (a single jumper; I was the first of three tandem ones) did a somersault off the plane. And I was like "what the heck?" And then I'm next, and my toes are hanging over the plane, 13,000 feet in the air (the distance when we jump) and I was like "what the hell am I thinking? Am I insane?" (They tell you not to look down...never one to follow directions, I did) and I was gonna tell Finn (the guy who was tied to me, literally you could feel ANY AND EVERY MOVEMENT, if you catch my drift) that I changed my mind, and the next thing I knew I was falling b/c he just walked off the plane and I'm attached to him. And then, I was falling.

In my mind, it was just like being in a roller coaster - that feeling of falling when you know that you are safe b/c it's controlled and you aren't really falling at all, it's just a sensation, or when you wake up with that falling sensation but you know that you aren’t really and you are completely safe. It just wasn't real. Of course, when I landed, it occurred to me that yes, I actually WAS falling and that it WAS real. But that occurred to me when I was on the ground, not when I was in the air. You are supposed to arch your back and look up, not down, but I kept looking down. Not cause I was scared at that point, but because it was so friggin awesome.

The view just absolutely rocks. There was a rainbow in a cloud, and we WENT THROUGH IT! Going through a cloud was weird. It wasn't soft, and I thought I'd get wet, but it's really just a mist. Like when you go to the hair place and they use that bottle to mist your hair. Just really light. And I lost my contact sometime around 12,000 feet (really early on). So when I landed, I had to take my goggles off (yes, I had oh so sexy goggles) and found it and just plopped it my mouth until I could get saline solution. But it was by far the coolest thing I've ever done. It was so beautiful up there. You can see all this green. I was surprised b/c it was SO cold out. It was only 53 at the time, and I guess it's 3 degrees colder for every 1000 feet, so at 13,000 feet, its 39 degrees colder. They kept telling me to smile and I was like "I'm too cold. My teeth are getting frostbitten."

The landing (the part I was most nervous about. I mean, even if the chute doesn't open it's the landing that sucks, not the falling) was really easy too. There are too ways to land, by standing or by sitting, and it's determined by how fast you are coming into the ground. He thought we could stand, and at the last minute, we had to sit (coming in too fast and too sharp). But it was nothing, and even the people who stood, it was nothing. It was awesome. I recommend it.

Planning a wedding

You always hear the stereotypes of girls planning weddings in their heads since childhood. And I scoffed at that - I didn’t even have Barbies, let alone a Barbie to Ken wedding (since Barbie and Ken broke up, is there a new guy?) But yesterday, after reading Erin’s blog, http://www.eln2004.blogspot.com/ I realized I actually do have a dream wedding. First, as Jen noted, http://jlynnsmith30.blogspot.com/, I want to walk down the aisle to REM’s It’s The End Of The World As We Know It. I actually see this as a romantic song to get married to. After all, it would be the end of my life as I know it - that being the single one. And hopefully, as the song goes, I will feel fine about that decision. Warm fuzzies all over - and not just due to the alcohol I’ll need to drink to actually go through will getting married with the concept of *forever.* Second, I want to wear my converse tennis shows. It’s my friggin day, I want comfort. Third, I have chosen who I want the DJ to be, because I have a monster crush on him. http://www.pianoman1.com/ Ooh, a picture: http://www.pianoman1.com/Pictures/GloryDays/GD1.jpg
I am sure that my husband to be would have no objection to me drooling over the random DJ on our wedding day. (I’ll be conspicuous in my drooling). Fourth, there are a few songs I want to hear. I want to choose the music. Or at least largely so. But the rest of it - colors and cakes and seating and whatever else goes into it - ick. I don’t give a shit, and he can plan as he wants.

Yet another reason why Bush is a bad leader...

DIRTY POLITICS..."Yesterday, the Bush-Cheney campaign, losing any last sense of decency, placed a disgusting ad called "The Faces of John Kerry's Democratic Party" as the main feature on its website. Bizarrely, and without explanation, the ad places Adolf Hitler among those faces." Don't believe it? Check it out. http://www.georgewbush.com/

It's the "Pessimism" one. The disgusting part is that most of the dirty politics have been from HIM, not from Kerry. And usually it's the challenger, because the incumbent can run on his record. Bush has absolutely no record to run on other than negativism, lies, war, awful foresight, illegal legislation, and corporate greed. Those aren't exactly selling points.But seriously, what exactly does John Kerry have to do with Hitler? That's absolutely disgusting.

You named your child ESPN? That is asking for him to be beat up. And there are at least three of them? What is wrong with the world??
http://apnews.excite.com/article/20040626/D83ETVF00.html

Fahrenheit 9/11

I went to see Fahrenheit 9.11 tonight. Opening night. It was an experience. If there was a Republican in the audience, they were not vocal about it. Occasionally, there would be spontaneous clapping. There was laughing. There were tsks of disgust. There were tears. There was anger and resentment. It was actually a very emotional movie. His one mistake might have been in making some in the military look bad. Not all of them, but there were some where literally you wanted to hit them (listening to music about Iraq burning). There were some bad images that were there for shock value. The thing about his movie is, he was preaching to the choir. It was a room full of people who hate Bush. So someone who hates Bush taking to people about hating Bush - I was in the very last row, and I saw a lot of nodding heads. The movie was sold out, and when we left, the line waiting to come in, both in and out of the theatre (there were only three theatres playing it across town), the news was there to capture all the anti-Americans who were watching the movie. Blah! But understand I don't LIKE Michael Moore. He frightens me. He annoys me. I downright dislike him. I think there is a line between being (extremely!!) critical of the government and being anti-American, and he comes dangerously close to that line. Do I think he crosses it? Probably not. But he definitely blurs the line. But I think that he tells his political message (which I personally feel is important, but leave that out of this) in an amusing way. Because at the end of the day, this is a movie, I want to be amused. I do not want to waste my $8.75. I want to be amused. He can amuse in a way that few directors can right now, and whether you agree with his message or not, he's friggin' entertaining. I laughed out loud when he said that voters preferred a dead person to (sitting senator!) John Ashcroft (and not for the first time, I felt that Missouri should have taken one for the team and had him serve THEM rather than Attorney General where he can do REAL damage). But anyway, I recommend the movie.

"I should be able to love my country and still love justice." Albert Camus

And a horrible picture - not for the faint of heart...
http://poetry.rotten.com/fingerhead/

"Pumping it up"

This is too priceless. Oh.my.God.

http://www.thesmokinggun.com/archive/0624041pump1.html


What the heck?! At least in federal court, Judge's chambers have their own private bathroom for the Judges to use. Couldn't he just wait? Though I suppose the black robes could hide the evidence...

The death of love

I was talking to a friend today about prenups, and we both support them. That may be a sad commentary about our belief in permanent relationships, which I know is due to our own parents' divorced status. It leads to distrust of and even disbelief in love, fear of committment, and inability to trust. Which leads to prenups. Because since love is only temporary, you need to protect yourself, because your ex certainly won't.

She doesn't even want to tell her future husband how much she has in her 401K or in the bank. (For me, it's so little it's a nonissue anyway.) And the joint account is just for bills, not for the rest of your money. And that sucks b/c I agree with her. Love isn't anything permanent, and if you don't have a prenup, you are going to be divorced in 10 years and shit out of luck. If you were the one who made the money and bought the house and supported the lifestyle, you might as well kiss it goodbye, because it's half split. Even what you brought to the table before you got married. Any inheritance? Gone. Doesn't matter if you have to sell a house that had been in the family for generations. It's joint property.

At the same time, it really sucks to be getting married and thinking about getting divorced, which is what a prenup does. It demands you pay attention to what would happen in the event of a divoce as you are planning the wedding. Though it takes money out of the occasion. You have no doubt that the person is marrying you for reasons having nothing to do with money. That's somewhat comforting. There may be all sorts of other reasons to marry you, but it ain't money. And you're practically negligent NOT to discuss a prenup as you are getting married. I mean, 50% of marriages end in divorce. OK, so you want to think that yours won't. Join the crowd. What makes you smarter in selection than 50% of the people you know? Actually, I know my taste, I have no doubt the 50% pool I'll be in. In the immortal words of some female singer whose song I heard from 15 seconds on the radio this morning, “You don’t know half of the demons I’ve battled. You can’t save my with your mindless psycho-babble. I’m damaged goods.”

And the worst part of this is, at the same time, I am one of those romantic girls who wants to believe in fairy tales and prince charming and all that silly nonsense. I want to believe in forever, in just knowing that someone is the one, or that there even IS a one out there in the world for everyone, in the face of all evidence to the contrary. What's that quote? "And the crazy part of it was even if you were clever, even if you spent your adolescence reading John Donne and Shaw, even if you studied history or zoology or physics and hoped to spend your life pursuing some difficult and challenging career, you still had a mind full of all the soupy longings that every high-school girl was awash in... underneath it, all you longed to be was annihilated by love, to be swept off your feet, to be filled up by a giant prick spouting sperm, soapsuds, silk and satins and, of course, money." ~Erica Jong (OK, I admit it, I didn't remember the entire quote word for word. I had to go to Quote Garden to find it. Quotegarden has everything. Actually, I started with google, and it was one of two that had it.) Gak. I'm pathetic.

Oh, and I mentioned this before, and I'll do it again today. Opposing counsel (the same bitch). I want to point this out to her…as has been said many times, credentials on the wall do NOT make you a decent human being. So your law degree (not even from a top school anyway) doesn't make you better than the guy who pressed the buttons in the elevator. She literally gives trash a bad made. (She also produced NINE boxes of documents, and so far, they are almost all irrelevant.)

Superman

This is a good thing? This poor kid - none of the other kids in tumbling are gonna want to be his friend. That is just unnatural.

Jeopardy...

Letterman suggested that there is something between Alex and Ken.

Me, I just think that b/c the money is doubled to keep up with other shows, and because you don't have the five day limit, sooner or later, someone was gonna be really smart. And lucky. But 16 days gets attention I guess.

Happiness or longevity...(and how serial killers can affect both)

Baseball is making me happier today. Then again, there are still three outs left...One of my favorite poems ever.

i was talking to a moth
the other evening
he was trying to break into
an electric light bulb
and fry himself on the wires

why do you fellows
pull this stunt i asked him
because it is the conventional
thing for moths or why
if that had been an uncovered
candle instead of an electric
light bulb you would
now be a small unsightly cinder
have you no sense

plenty of it he answered
but at times we get tired
of using it
we get bored with the routine
and crave beauty
and excitement
fire is beautiful
and we know that if we get
too close it will kill us
but what does that matter
it is better to be happy
for a moment
and be burned up with beauty
than to live a long time
and be bored all the while
so we wad all our life up
into one little roll
and then we shoot the roll
that is what life is for
it is better to be a part of beauty
for one instant and then to cease to
exist than to exist forever
and never be a part of beauty
our attitude toward life
is to come easy go easy
we are like human beings
used to be before they became
too civilized to enjoy themselves

and before i could argue him
out of his philosophy
he went and immolated himself
on a patent cigar lighter
i do not agree with him
myself i would rather have
half the happiness and twice
the longevity

but at the same time i wish
there was something i wanted
as badly as he wanted to fry himself

--archy (Don Marquis)

And the thing is, I have given this serious thought since I discovered the poem when I was 15, and no, there is nothing that I want to badly, or care about so badly, or anything so badly, that I am willing to die for it. That is kinda sad.

Now I was thinking about Jack the Ripper, which comes with more questions than answers, about the most basic things. (You may as well know that I am obsessed with serial killers.) Is the "Dear Boss" letter geniune? That almost suggests that Jack the Ripper was an American. Was the graffiti geniune? (That one I'd think more likely.) And Juwes, is that an uneducated spelling of Jews, or is that a masonic thing? How many victims were there and who were they, and why is there such a disparity? (Generally accepted as the "classic five" and theories as to another dozen or so more, starting half a year before Nichols - though I doubt that one - and then two and a half years after Mary Kelly...in the US, which has the most questions. Many of them only have the fact they were prostitutioes killed with knives in common.) Most importantly, why did he just randomly stop without ever being caught? Do you think that when we die, there is this room just filled with videotapes and books where all our answers to life can be answered? That would be my idea of heaven, actually.

The most freaky serial killer to me is Richard Trenton Chase, who in my opinion doesn't get the name recognition as a truly psycho person. First, he was like a vampire. But more freaky to me, he was asked how he selected his victims. It wasn't random. He said he went down the streets testing doors to find one that was unlocked. If the door was locked that means you’re not welcome. So now I'm paranoid to lock my doors. You want weird though, read this guys bio sometime. Literally, he went to the hospital looking for the person who stole his pulmonary artery, another time he said that the bones were coming out through the back of his head. He drank animal blood to keep his heart from disappearing. Thus guy was a true nut and his parents weaned him off his drugs b/c they determined he didn't need them. If I see my kid eating animals, sure as hell I'm calling coming and keeping him sedated. I mean, I know love is blind, but geesh!

And speaking of serial killers (always an interesting way to start a sentence), someone I once knew commented that he did not believe in ghosts because he had never seen one, but he did believe in serial killers, even though he had never seen one. Me, I believe in both serial killers and ghosts...

OK, now let's give props to the French

Now why is it that MY mail gets returned to sender if I forget to include the apartment number in a complex where there are only 12 apartments total, but THIS guy gets his mail that is just address to “Alfred, Charles de Gaulle airport???” Seriously, what's up with that?

AAGH! Fireworks Saturday after the baseball game. Must attend after skydiving! Fireworks!!!

"The Bush administration has refused to accept the finding of the 9/11 Commission that there was no collaborative effort between Saddam Hussein and Osama bin Laden. Vice President Dick Cheney said he "probably" has information he didn't share with the commission." Gee, Dick, what the hell was the point of the commission if you weren't going to share your wealth of information emassed by hiding for the last three years?? The White House insisting that there is a link in the face of all evidence to the contrary - including the bipartisan commission findings - is both crazy and completely in character. And then certain individuals on the commission backtracking, suggesting no, their position and the White House's position don't contradict. Whatever. That disgusts me. I'm still at work, so I'm disgusted enough right now.

So even though I have a house and must not spend money just b/c I want to, I just bought seven shirts from NorthernSun (which, by the way, rocks). A few examples.

http://www.northernsun.com/cgi-bin/ns/19922.html

http://www.northernsun.com/cgi-bin/ns/19652.html

Banana

Well-Behaved Women

Another reason to scoff at the French

That just made me laugh. Actually, I really like France, and thought the entire "french fry" thing was a big waste of my tax dollars. But this is truly funny.

Where are the lightening bugs?

Ok, yesterday started summer. It ranks among my favorite days of the year - it's the longest day of sun for the entire year. And yesterday was just beautiful. Or looked beautiful from my window at work. I worked until after midnight. There was much bitterness going on. I mean, it was practically a holiday, and I was at work. (For the record, the first day of winter is also one of my favorite days. Not because I really like the day, but because I try to stay positive. I hate winter, I hate when it's dark out so early, and the first day of winter means the days are starting to get longer, which means that summer is coming. I do not do the same thing in reverse with summer. It's all a matter of perspective.)

But as I was driving home from work today (I left at ten to nine today; it was an early night!) I just thought of something - I haven't seen a firefly all summer. Not a single firefly. I love fireflies. I absolutely love them. I remember when I was a kid and I would catch them at night. They make me so happy. So what's up with that? Are they a later summer event and I just don't remember? Do they hide when they know I'm home? Have they been eaten by those cicadas? Are they one of those things that when you get older, you can't see anymore? Like tea in little girls tea sets and imaginary friends? WHERE ARE MY LIGHTENING BUGS?

Ok, now the cutting grass story. I cut my grass Sunday. For those of you who don't know (which, obviously, is everyone), I have managed to survive 27 years of spoiled existence without ever once having cut the grass. Granted, I have spent 8 years in apartment living, including a period in New York City where there is no grass anyway. (At the time I felt sorry for native New Yorkers. Now, I realize how brilliant they are, getting rid of that annoying chore and leaving Sundays free for important stuff like...well, I don't know, but the important stuff.) Anyway, my father brings over his lawn mower, b/c I don't own one. When I was like 10 I watched Man on the Moon where the guy fell off the lawn mower and cut himself up and died. This stuck with me. So understand I'm petrified of lawn mowers. Petrified. And I have to somehow start this thing, and all I can think of is cutting my feet off. So I get this thing to start and it's loud and scary. Then, I'm pushing this thing, and I can't even push it, it's really heavy and I can't turn it around when I get to the end (I guess that there are push mowers and self propelled ones. This was a self propelled one). And then my dad is yelling at me because I'm not walking straight. In fact, I kinda look like some drunk person mowing a lawn. And because lawn mowers leave those lines on the grass where somehow your grass looks like it's different colors, you can actually all the crookedness. But I am - I'm walking as straight as I am capable of walking. I point out to him that I am the daughther who regularly walks into walls. I point out that if I take picture of this and carry it with me, then the next time I get pulled over and they think I'm drunk, I can show them what I do on a random Sunday afternoon. My father is not amused with me. In fact, he's downright irritated that at 27, I am incapable of handling this chore. And I *really* want to be good at mowing the lawn. I kinda like the idea of green feet, and I love the smell of grass. This just seems like something that will force me to stop and smell the freshly cut grass, right? And I can't do it. I mean, twelve year old boys can do this, and it is literally beyond me. I can't move the lawn mower, I can't turn the lawn mower, I'm not overly good and turning the law mower on, I can't walk straight with the lawn mower. About the only thing that I am capable of is...well, making a telephone call for someone *else* to mow my lawn. I managed to finish, but if you see my lawn, you will think that I was drunk when I did it. At least then I'd have an excuse. Plus, I missed all sorts of places and there are little pieces sticking up. I literally feel like a lawn mowing failure. Then, the next day, my wrists and shoulders were so sore. I have decided that maybe I'll just hire a teenage boy to cut my lawn...He'd be better at it. I mean, what is wrong with me that I can't cut the grass? And who is irresponsible enough to buy a house before they know if they can cut grass? It looks like such an easy thing to do...

Am I missing something with beheadings? I mean, isn't there a more humane way to kill someone?

I guess there is something wrong with wanting terrorists to be humane, but even when youare in the midst of a religious war, how do they justify killings? I don't get it. I don't understand the thought process behind The Inquisition, I don't understand this. I guess I just can't understand crazyness. Perhaps this is a good thing. But then I get all sad and weepy because there is bad stuff out in the world. You can't have one extreme without the other, so you need badness to define godness, blah blah blah. I mean, I really do understand that you can't have one extreme without the other. And so I spend the entire car drive home (when I usually call people on my cell) thinking about whether I would prefer never to know goodness anymore, if it meant that there would be no more evil in the world. I'm really torn. I mean, obviously, that's not what I want, for their not to be goodness either. But otherwise, I have to accept evilness. And I can't do that. And I haven't watched any of those videos of the beheadings. There is just no way. I would be sick to my heart. And my stomach. But mostly my heart. It's bad enough that I am forced to read all about it (partially by the media, but also by my own curiosity.) But if I don't see it, then it's still one of those things that you read about that's not really real, that can't really sink in, you know? It's like when I was 7 and a friend moved to the town over. It was about 3 minutes away by car. It was too far away to be real to me. As long as I don't see the videos, it's kinda like that. Call me a coward, I really don't care. Ok, I don't want to talk about this anymore, it's upsetting me.

So let's discuss the bitch who is opposing counsel. Actually, no, I don't have the strength to get into her right now. It's close to bedtime, and first, that will give me nightmares, and second, that will just upset me and bedtime is a night to reflect and refresh oneself, not to be angry and bitter. Oh, and scared. She scared me. She is evil incarnate. E.V.I.L.

And Somewhere Over The Rainbow is the top movie song of all time. All time? I like the #2 song a lot, As Time Goes By. But I'm not sure if I would make that number 1 either. I really have to give this consideration. I kinda like "When You Wish Upon A Star." How wistful. Though I guess so is Somewhere Over The Rainbow. Same feel to them. (How disgusted was I to see My Heart Will Go ON at 14? That's just b/c it was popular. I would not put that as one of the greatest songs of all time.)
1. "Over the Rainbow," "The Wizard of Oz," 1939
2. "As Time Goes by," "Casablanca," 1942
3. "Singin' in the Rain," "Singin' in the Rain," 1952
4. "Moon River," "Breakfast at Tiffany's," 1961
5. "White Christmas," "Holiday Inn," 1942
6. "Mrs. Robinson," "The Graduate," 1967
7. “When You Wish Upon a Star,” “Pinocchio,” 1940
8. “The Way We Were,” “The Way We Were,” 1973
9. “Stayin’ Alive,” “Saturday Night Fever,” 1977
10. “The Sound of Music,” “The Sound of Music,” 1965
11. “The Man That Got Away,” “A Star Is Born,” 1954
12. “Diamonds Are a Girl’s Best Friend,” “Gentlemen Prefer Blondes,” 1953
13. “People,” “Funny Girl,” 1968
14. “My Heart Will Go On,” “Titanic,” 1997
15. “Cheek to Cheek,” “Top Hat,” 1935
16. “Evergreen (Love Theme From ‘A Star Is Born’),” “A Star Is Born,” 1976
17. “I Could Have Danced All Night,” “My Fair Lady,” 1964
18. “Cabaret,” “Cabaret,” 1972
19. “Some Day My Prince Will Come,” “Snow White and the Seven Dwarfs,” 1937
20. “Somewhere,” “West Side Story,” 1961
21. “Jailhouse Rock,” “Jailhouse Rock,” 1957
22. “Everybody’s Talkin’,” “Midnight Cowboy, 1969
23. “Raindrops Keep Fallin’ on My Head,” “Butch Cassidy and the Sundance Kid,” 1969
24. “Ol’ Man River,” “Show Boat,” 1936
25. “High Noon (Do Not Forsake Me, Oh My Darlin’),” “High Noon,” 1952
26. “The Trolley Song,” “Meet Me in St. Louis,” 1944
27. “Unchained Melody,” “Ghost,” 1990
28. “Some Enchanted Evening,” “South Pacific,” 1958
29. “Born to Be Wild,” “Easy Rider,” 1969
30. “Stormy Weather,” “Stormy Weather,” 1943
31. “Theme From ‘New York, New York,”’ “New York, New York,” 1977
32. “I Got Rhythm,” “An American in Paris,” 1951
33. “Aquarius, “Hair,” 1979
34. “Let’s Call the Whole Thing Off,” “Shall We Dance,” 1937
35. “America,” “West Side Story,” 1961
36. “Supercalifragilisticexpialidocious,” “Mary Poppins,” 1964
37. “Swinging on a Star,” “Going My Way,” 1944
38. “Theme From ‘Shaft,”’ “Shaft,” 1971
39. “Days of Wine and Roses,” “Days of Wine and Roses,” 1963
40. “Fight the Power,” “Do the Right Thing,” 1989
41. “New York, New York,” “On the Town,” 1949
42. “Luck Be a Lady,” “Guys and Dolls,” 1955
43. “The Way You Look Tonight,” “The Swing Time,” 1936
44. “Wind Beneath My Wings,” “Beaches,” 1988
45. “That’s Entertainment,” “The Band Wagon,” 1953
46. “Don’t Rain on My Parade,” “Funny Girl,” 1968
47. “Zip-a-Dee-Doo-Dah,” “Song of the South,” 1947
48. “Whatever Will Be, Will Be (Que Sera, Sera),” “The Man Who Knew Too Much,” 1956
49. “Make ’Em Laugh,” “Singin’ in the Rain,” 1952
50. “Rock Around the Clock,” “Blackboard Jungle,” 1955
51. “Fame,” “Fame,” 1980
52. “Summertime,” “Porgy and Bess,” 1959
53. “Goldfinger,” “Goldfinger,” 1964
54. “Shall We Dance,” “The King and I,” 1956
55. “Flashdance ... What a Feeling,” “Flashdance,” 1983
56. “Thank Heaven for Little Girls,” “Gigi,” 1958
57. “The Windmills of Your Mind,” “The Thomas Crown Affair,” 1968
58. “Gonna Fly Now,” “Rocky,” 1976
59. “Tonight,” “West Side Story,” 1961
60. “It Had to Be You,” “When Harry Met Sally ...,” 1989
61. “Get Happy,” “Summer Stock,” 1950
62. “Beauty and the Beast,” “Beauty and the Beast,” 1991
63. “Thanks for the Memory,” “The Big Broadcast of 1938,” 1938
64. “My Favorite Things,” “The Sound of Music,” 1965
65. “I Will Always Love You,” “The Bodyguard,” 1992
66. “Suicide Is Painless,” “M-A-S-H,” 1970
67. “Nobody Does It Better,” “The Spy Who Loved Me,” 1977
68. “Streets of Philadelphia,” “Philadelphia,” 1993
69. “On the Good Ship Lollipop,” “Bright Eyes,” 1934
70. “Summer Nights,” “Grease,” 1978
71. “The Yankee Doodle Boy,” “Yankee Doodle Dandy,” 1942
72. “Good Morning,” “Singin’ in the Rain,” 1952
73. “Isn’t It Romantic?” “Love Me Tonight,” 1932
74. “Rainbow Connection,” “The Muppet Movie,” 1979
75. “Up Where We Belong,” “An Officer and a Gentleman,” 1982
76. “Have Yourself a Merry Little Christmas,” “Meet Me in St. Louis,” 1944
77. “The Shadow of Your Smile,” “The Sandpiper,” 1965
78. “9 to 5,” “9 to 5,” 1980
79. “Arthur’s Theme (Best That You Can Do),” “Arthur,” 1981
80. “Springtime for Hitler,” “The Producers,” 1968
81. “I’m Easy,” “Nashville,” 1975
82. “Ding Dong the Witch Is Dead,” “The Wizard of Oz,” 1939
83. “The Rose,” “The Rose,” 1979
84. “Put the Blame on Mame,” “Gilda,” 1946
85. “Come What May,” “Moulin Rouge!” 2001
86. “(I’ve Had) the Time of My Life,” “Dirty Dancing,” 1987
87. “Buttons and Bows,” “The Paleface,” 1948
88. “Do Re Mi,” “The Sound of Music,” 1965
89. “Puttin’ on the Ritz,” “Young Frankenstein,” 1974
90. “Seems Like Old Times,” “Annie Hall,” 1977
91. “Let the River Run,” “Working Girl,” 1988
92. “Long Ago and Far Away,” “Cover Girl,” 1944
93. “Lose Yourself,” “8 Mile,” 2002
94. “Ain’t Too Proud to Beg,” “The Big Chill,” 1983
95. “(We’re Off on the) Road to Morocco,” “Road to Morocco,” 1942
96. “Footloose,” “Footloose,” 1984
97. “42nd Street,” “42nd Street,” 1933
98. “All That Jazz,” “Chicago,” 2002
99. “Hakuna Matata,” “The Lion King,” 1994
100. “Old Time Rock and Roll,” “Risky Business,” 1983

I go back and forth with the Wizard of Oz. Sometimes I'm not a fan. And I still have nightmares about flying monkeys. But "I'm gonna miss you most of all, Scarecrow," in any context, that actually can bring tears to my eyes. (In fact, the line is in For The Love Of The Game, and it brings tears to my eyes there as well.) There is just something about that line that grabs my heart and just pulls on it. Destroys me. But is that song the best ever? I'm gonna have to give that serious consideration as to what I think should be the best ever.

And what't the point of the Indians coming back from an 8-0 deficit to in fact take a 9-8 lead in the 8th inning if they are just gonna give the game away anyway? Why get my hopes up? Just don't bother to score at all. Whatever. I hate baseball. It's extra innings now, I'm exhausted, want to go to bed, am physically incapable of turning the television off and not know what happens until I wake up tomorrow and read the newspaper. I mean, Boston beat Minnesota and one of the teams can pick up a game in the Central. Chicago is 2 back, we are 4 back. I was most excited to win last night because that meant that we were .500. Mediocrity rules.

Ladies Night

Ok, what idiot brought this complaint?
Let me share a secret about Ladies Night. Girls go to Ladies Nights for the cheaper drinks. All that does is directly benefit the guys. I mean, come on guys, let's be realistic, YOU are the one buying my drinks anyway. Wouldn't you rather pay less for them? ;-) Seriously, though, women go because of the cheaper alcohol, men go because that's where the women are. Are you really gonna complain about that? (Well, obviously...) The fact is, if it was just a regular night, the guys at the bar would probably outnumber the girls. At least with ladies night, there is a greater chance that the numbers are equal. In other words, Ladies Night benefits men. I can see how some would complaint that it's discriminatory, but lots of things in life are discriminatory. The fact that I only make 75 cents for every dollar you make is a lot more discriminatory than some private bar deciding to give me drink specials, knowing that the women will come in, which will bring the men in, in order for them to make money. That's just smart business. I suppose you could argue that so is paying women less...but come on.

The lottery is $150 million. So far I've bought $152 dollars of tickets. Well, actually, I've paid $7 in two separate pools, but that combined has given me copies of 152 tickets. So clearly I'm going to win the lottery just because I have so many chances to do so...(Then I guess I can pay full price for a drink, right?)

On Yahoo Launch radio there is a Hair Flare station. How friggin' cool is that? There is also an Old School Grunge Rock and a BIg Hits of the 80s station. I never need a real radio again...

Republican Survivor

Oh, and this is my current favorite website in the entire world...

http://www.dtriptv.org/

Candles, rabbit food, and bedrooms

Candles rock. Every guy in the world right now is sighing and saying, "what IS it with girls and candles." Well, I don't know. But I know what's with *this* girl and candles. Fire is friggin' cool. It changes. If you stare at it for 5 minutes, you will never see the same thing twice. Ever. Think about that. And it's something that can be used for forces of good (cooking, heat) and evil destruction. You have to respect fire. Fire absolutely demands it. Candles smell good. In the words of the comic genius Robert Dubec, "Women light a candle to enjoy a pleasant fragrance, men light a candle to mask an unpleasant one."

But where was I with this? Oh, yeah. Candles. I started working here almost two years ago. I brought candles in. My theory was that I was gonna burn them until someone told me that I couldn't, which I figured would be soon b/c I have papers everywhere and it's really just a fire waiting to happen. An unintentional fire, not the intentional one in the candle holder. And when that happened, I'd pull the "oh, I'm new here." But no one ever told me that. So I just kept going. After about a year, another lawyer started burning candles. Then another one. About three of four months after THAT, one of the staff goes up to the Managing Partner and asks if staff can burn candles too. (He said yes, as long as they weren't fart smells. I kid you not.) Anyway, so now there are about a dozen people in the office who all burn candles - because I was just waiting for someone to tell me no.

And Fiber One tastes like rabbit food. Or what I anticipate rabbit food tasting like. I've never actually tried it before. Just my two cents on that cereal.

And speaking of rabbits, I was moving my lawn yesterday (a story in itself, and the reason Jen had to open this Blog for me b/c I have to share it and not have someone say "Stephanie.I.don't.care." Bastard.) Anyway, I'm mowing the lawn and I have a hole in my yard. So I go over the hole, don't step in in b/c I don't want to trip (and am proud of myself b/c I manage not to.) Later I see all this fur over it, so I assume it's just stuck in this hole. You know, blowing in the wind and all that stuff? So anyway, I kick at the fur - and it starts to move! It's a little baby bunny, smaller than my palm! I felt so awful! I probably have the world's only deaf bunny living in my yard now! I felt awful. Later I went and saw the fur put back properly. Mommy must have taken care of it. But you know she is thinking, "crazy human..."

Finally, I've decided after five nights in my new house that I, in fact, dislike the light yellow color of my new bedsheets (although I've become a fan of the 400 thread count. Whatever that means. They are super soft. End result.) I don't want a pale yellow bedroom! And the bedspread is this maroon color with black and yellow plaid - not as hideous as it sounds, but not what is "me." I guess that's what happens when you let random Republican boy decide the color of your bedsheets. I already *know* he lacks taste and intellect. What am I doing letting him pick important things like my bedsheets?!? Look what he does with responsibility like the presidency? Sigh. Not one of my finer moments. I meant the colors of the bedsheets, but it can equally apply to the Republican...

Ok, this is sad. No one even noticed that he was dead? His life was of such significance, that in four days, no one though, "Gee, I haven't heard from Allan for a while." None of his neighbors thought that it was odd that the newspapers were piling up in the driveway. Or that the front door was open (ok, I made that part up.) But seriously, no one noticed that he died for FOUR days? That is like my idea of hell, that no one would notice when I stop.

And why bother putting this guy on trial? I mean, really? Isn't our judicial system busy enough that we have to overwhelm it with stupid prosecutions. Did he really hurt anyone? Are the prosecuting Jan-tit for her Superbowl performance as well?? I saw more from her than from this guy. (Granted, we have TiVo and there was much rewinding and pausing going on at our all-adult party.)

And while I'm at stupid prosecutions, prostitution should be legal. First, prostitution already exists. If you think otherwise, merely b/c it's illegal, then you are naive. Second, by making prostitution legal, the women who are selling their bodies on the streets will not have to be abused by the pimps who "own" them or the Johns. Third, they will have safe places to work, meaning brothels. Fourth, periodic testing for STDs would take place, making prostitution safer for both the prostitutes and their Johns. (Think about the porn industry which just shut down for a period after the periodic testing showed that someone was HIV positive. Would be a lot better to incorporate this into prostitution as well.) Fifth, from a practical matter, prisons would then be able to house the people who deserve to be there, those who have a true victim in a crime, rather than victimless "offenders." Right now, rapists serve 18 months because the prisons are overcrowded. The number of prostitutes (and drug users) who are in jail rather than rapists is disgusting. Sixth, the federal government could tax prostitution, opening up an entire new subset of people who currently are not paying taxes. Seventh, sex - even sex between strangers - is legal. Moreover, women who are mistresses get gifts and apartments, clothes, etc. What makes it different if its money rather than a gift? And eighth, and just purely for my enjoyment as an employment attorney, prostitutes could be card carrying union members. How hysterical would it be when they went on strike??

Welcome

A new blog for Stephanie brought to you by Jen of course!