Things I've Learned Today - It's Illegal To Walk Around Your House Without A Shirt On

So...

I cut my front yard last Sunday before it started to rain (I didn't get my back yard cut). But because last week I put fertilizer on it, it's growing nonstop. So by Wednesday, it looked like a jungle. Great. Isn't August the time of year when we don't HAVE to cut grass anymore. We have so little to look forward to in Cleveland. In exchange for being one of the cloudiest cities in the US (which I've been told before but I can't promise is actually true, nothing which stops people from telling things online anyway), horrible winters, lake effect snow, the curse of the sports teams...due to all this, we get the satisfaction of not having to cut the grass in the humid dog days of August because it hasn't rained in weeks and the grass just ain't growing anymore. BUT NO. Not this year. This year it's been raining. This year, because I bought a house, God is being cruel and I still have to cut my grass. In August. All together now...Grr...

Anyway, I'm desperate to cut my grass because - well, I think I've already mentioned the lawn nazis I live by, and I can't tomorrow since I have to go into work and then I've got tickets to see Oliver! (As far as I can tell, the exclamation mark is in the title of the play. In no way does this suggest my excitement to see Oliver!) Anyway, I walk outside. It's grey (naturally). I try to start my lawn mower. Something you might as well know. I'm not really sure how to start my lawn mower. I know to push the red button a few times and then pull the cord. The problem is, you also have to hold down this thing. But there are two things, one to turn it on and the other to somehow make it move on it's own. And I'm never sure which. Inevitably I try to hold the wrong one. It won't start. It's evidentially like starting a car in gear. Ain't gonna happen. So then I do the whole thing over again. I invariably end up pushing the red button too many times, and flooding it. So now I have to wait. Patience. Not a strong suit of mine. Today I pretended it was done on purpose b/c I needed more gas in the mower. I didn't, but it lets me save face. I'm trying not to be "the girl who can't live alone because she's a girl" girl in my homeowning attemps. I fear I'm failing.

Anyway, I start to cut my grass,I walk down the tree line twice and it starts to rain. I am not pleased by these events. But I keep going. And I cut all the tree lawn, and then start on the side, and by then it's literally pouring and icky and it's a good thing that I'm wearing an orange shirt but not a white shirt. And then my lawn mower starts coughing up wet grass. So obviously that's not gonna work anymore. I reluctantly give up and come inside. Soaked.

So I'm sitting in my family room, watching tv in my wet shit. And it occurs to me that I'm just.not.comfortable. So I take the shirt off, but I don't have a clean shirt in my laundry room on the first floor because, oh, I haven't done laundry since gosh knows when. Meaning I have to go upstair to get a new shirt. But do I really want to put the wet shirt back on? Absolutely not. And it's just upstairs. So I walk to get upstairs. Go figure, right? The hallway leads straight to the front door. Which isn't a problem - unless your front door is open. Which mine is. D'oh. So I *quickly* move upstairs. I vaguely note a cop car parked on my street right outside my house with a cop with a radar detector (I hate cops sometimes.) I run upstairs, grab a new t-shirt, put it on, and am on my way downsairs when I see the cop walking up my drive. Double d'oh! He walks up to my door and explains to me (very politely, mind you) that I cannot go walking around the the house without a shirt on.

(For those that recall, this is similar to what happened to me about a year ago when I was pulled over by a cop. That time I wasn't wearing pants. This time I wasn't wearing a shirt. So put together, cops have seen me naked. Great...)

And again, we go back to my comment earlier this week - these things never happen to the Stepford perfect people. Or people with common sense.

Sigh.

The Village

Don't waste your money. I was pretty disappointed in this. And considering the fact that I got to stare at Joaquin Phoenix for a while, that says a lot. First, the one "twist" was evident a mile away. The other "twist" (the real twist) I didn't see, but the other three people I was with did. I was staring at the movie, mouth agape, thinking, "what the fuck??" The characters are well developed, and anything with Joaquin is adorable, but really, the movie itself, it finished and I thought, "this guys gets weirder and weirder with each movie." The plot line was just...silly. Silly like "water kills aliens in Signs" silly. Irritatingly nonbelievable. I am always scared, so I was often frightened, hiding behind my hands, but it really wasn't scary. It was just the promise of being scary. The best part was when Joaquin was being all romantic, b/c he's just adorable. Then, it was raining when the movie got out, and all I wanted to do was dance in the rain. I love summer rain...

OOH! Can Wickman save game #2?? Of course, yesterday was an off day, but I'm wondering if he should try to pitch in a one run game. He's kinda inconsistent. He usually gives ulcers in his saves. For example, one out and the tying run on second base. Ooh! Two outs. BUT a runner at third base (on a passed ball). And Randa up. Full count. Oh, the drama. I hate baseball. I really do. But the Twins lost AND White Sox have lost their 6th game in a row. So if we win, we are 4 1/2 out of first place. More importantly (because come on, we are NOT playoff material just yet), we could be only HALF a game behind the White Sox. This is important because I hate the White Sox. Randa is 5 for 18 against Wickman in his career too. ONE MORE PITCH...ball four. And Sweeney is now up. Talk about a hitter you DON'T want to see. He's 2 for 6 against Wickman. And it's a tie game. In extra innings (Omar cut down Randa at the plate for the win.) Damn baseball...Extra innings. But guess that means Wickman can't get save #2, even though he had an off day. Gak!

a babbling post about boys clubs

Rational...focused...these are not words that I've ever been called. In fact, I've pretty much exclusively been called the same two words since junior high: bubbly and weird. Without fail. (The reason I know this is largely because I've found my yearbooks from back then in my unpacking and have been traveling down memory lane. Or shuddering at the pictures.) I'm not sure how I feel about such adjectives. These people didn't mean their comments as an insult, but essentially being called an airhead who cannot function in society - ummm...bite me.

So I have a trial starting on the 23rd. I may have mentioned this once or twice or 100 times. This is my first trial. This has been very exciting, an amazing learning experience so far. (I have just decided that the partner on the case is my unofficial mentor. I have most of my cases with him. Or have thus far. I have just decided he's like Yoda. Not THE Yoda (from the movie), or Yoda (a teacher from high school) or yoda (a professor from college). But LIKE Yoda. Just not actually him.

Anyway, the trial itself addresses a complaint I had, although it's more coincidence than anything else. I told my employer that I was thinking of leaving at the end of the year because I wasn't being given the opportunity to do things (such as depositions and other client-related things. More field trips, less grunt work). Specifically, there is someone who graduated the same year as me who is given the opportunity to do things that I'm not. And it's not because he's a better attorney than I am. That I could understand. But I know that I'm better. (I'm so damn modest...) Actually, it's because he has a dick. My firm is extremely male-dominated, male-focused, a bunch of drinking, basketball and softball-playing frat boys (in case you were wondering why I just don't play ball with them, the team is men only, and when I asked to play, I was told I could be the "cheerleader" but I could not play). In fact, someone at another firm even told me that our reputation across the city was that of a frat house. It was just odd because I've mentioned that in the past.

I've used the term "boys club" to complain about it, and in January, they told me that it would get better after certain people left. But yet, this certain associate (he's the only one who graduated the same year as I, so the one I feel it is most appropriate to compare myself to. Though they disagree because I had a federal clerkship for a year while he went straight to the firm so I am considered a year *behind* him - they just might be the only firm in the world who doesn't give credit for a federal clerkship...)

So since January, I didn't see it getting better. So I told them last month I was going to leave in December unless I saw a change in the opportunities I was being given. So this trial is a good thing, even though it's totally a coincidence that one of my cases is going to trial at this time. Luck. But then a partner told me today that I could take the Plaintiff's deposition (by myself, no one else there) if I was so inclined. (Unfortunately, I'm going to have to decline, because of my trial.)

But assuming that things move in this direction, I will be much happier. There is paying ones dues, and there is an inherent unfairness. And I let them know that unless they want to lose me, I want what I perceive to be the unfairness to disappear. (I'm waiting for them to say, "there's the door..." This is the second or third time I've said, "address this or I'm leaving." (Different things). Though again, to be fair, each time they've at least attempted to address them.

To the extent that they can change opinions. There are only six female partners (out of maybe 25 or soksdf). And one is on a leave of absense. To be fair, most all of their recent hires have been females, but changing things at the bottom doesn't change old school opinions at the top. There are male partners who will only give their cases to the male associates in the firm. One who will only give his cases to this particular associate because they hang out together and are friends. One time, this particular associate and three male partners were at happy hour, and saw five female associates there, and never even acknowledge us. Seriously, it's like a junior high dance in the gym or something. I am most discouraged by all this.

And on a final note, for the record, I hate Butch Davis. Since football starts tomorrow, you have a lot of time to learn this. As much as I adore Jody Gerut, I dislike Butch Davis. Just to the opposite extreme. (Life is not meant to be lived in any way other than extremes.) I don't understand how you go 5-11 and get a raise and extension. I just don't get it. And if they suck this year, who is he going to blame? He's gotten rid of everything, blamed everyone for his decisions. These are all his soldiers.

Oh, can the Olympic torch go out? What happens if it does?

Modest Bow

I just made the perfect bag of popcorn. Nothing was burnt (this coming from girl who once accidentally put microwave popcorn in form 30 minutes instead of 3 and turned it into a black liquid) but it all popped, and the butter was evenly distributed. I'm a cooking goddess.

Stepford Wives

Where are those perfect people?? Those people who don't spill on themself when drinking (water!), who don't drop toothpaste on themselves when brushing their teeth (requiring one to wash the clothes; who ever knew that toothpaste stained), who don't walk into the walls on a daily basis, who don't write on their faces with their pens approximately every other day, who don't wear black shoes with a navy suit. I have heard that such people exist...I am not sure if it's a tolkienesque rumor, or if it's true, or what. But I want to be one of them. Today, I manded to do all of the above...in a single day. Surely some sort of scatterbrained dork record.

It must be because I'm out of oxygen. I had this bottle of liquid oxygen that was to "oxygenate the body, purify water and assist health, energy, and regulating female chemistry." I'm not exactly sure what that even means, and to be honest, I hadn't even noticed a difference before, but suddenly, knowing it's gone, I'm exhausted and ready for a vacation.

And understand that I hate the Yankees. I hate everything about them. Their hats. Their owner. Their payroll. Their smug smiles. Their fans. Their sense of entitlement. Their uniforms. Everyone who dons a Yankee uniform. Despite that, I don't actually want anyone to die. So here's praying for a speedy recovery.

Get A Life

Every so often (or oftenly so every day) I think, "I've gotta get a life." I kinda meant my own life, not anyone elses. Though who really wants Fabio's life anyway??

I'm Ready For Next Week's American Idol Auditions Now

So now all that I left off was Friday night to my weekend. Which I’ve been avoiding. (Wait! Sunday, I started peeling border on my kitchen walls, which is this awful border of grapes, and I took off this valance above my sliding door in the family room, which was all kinds of pastel hideouslyfulness.) OK, procrastination is over; Friday is all that’s left.

The harmless part: I went with work people for Happy Hour. Which is always happy on Fridays. Bar #1 had free food as well. Especially important before a night of debauchery. Then we went to another happy hour (on the water; which was sadly pretty dead). Then we separated, and they went to somewhere on the west bank of the flats to get $1 drinks (and apparently they so enjoyed $1 drinks that they don’t remember anything after about 10 pm. Yet that person still drove, because she was the *most* sober. Yikes!) I met up with Jen (who has covered the evening much better than I ever could, so I encourage people to check her recap about There Once Was A Man Named Tony rather than my stuff. I’m a boring ol’ lawyer.), Howl At The Moon.

First, it was Susan and I drinking lots of these big plastic things of alcohol. Purple things, red things -- does life get better? A resounding NO, and that's without factoring in the normal happy singing of 80s music. What do people born in the late 80s and 90s sing to? All those boy bands? God forbid!

I wasn’t at the 1988 Bon Jovi concert at the Coliseum, but I know all about it - who opened, who was next, etc, from Billy, the adorable piano player who will play at my wedding reception one day, probably to my future husband’s chagrin - once I meet him. His opening statement for Bon Jovi’s Living On A Prayer is a weekly tradition. (And for the record, when he starts the slow version of the song, it's one of my favorite things they do at the bar. Period. It's fantastic. He can really showcase his voice, which dear friends, really and truly started the lust. That was noticed before I realized that he wasn't a blond. (*uncrosses fingers*)) Other weekly traditions include asking Rich to sing It’s The End Of The World, lusting after Billy, and wondering why T (Theodore!) wears those dangling earing that either remind me of a pirate...or RuPaul.

This is, quite possibly, my favorite place earth, because it has (1) alcohol; (2) voice losing happy reflective good music (3) and is low key -- more my style than the pretentious "I-make-six-figures" "see-and-be-seen" "the-entire-point-of-going-out-with-friends-is-to-ditch-them-to-hook-up-with-a-stranger" mess otherwise known as West 6th. On Question 13 on the 21st where I gave my definition of a perfect night - perhaps I should have amended it to being at Howl At The Moon (Jody Gerut is still there though...) ;-)

I love taking people who have never been there before to see Tony (The guy who drinks the beer). Jen even has a picture! (I also learned on Friday that Tony is an Indians fan, which makes him even cooler, if that’s even possible. Beer and baseball - the American way. (Can you sense my bitterness at apparently finding every singe male on the face of the earth who doesn’t like beer and sports?) I had to keep checking out the score of the game - we won in the bottom of the 11th, for those who forgot that it was baseball season. And yes, I get even more obnoxious next week when FOOTBALL is in training camps and baseball is still going on. You thought I’m annoying when only one sport is in season. Just wait until it’s two sports. Again, I digress.)

Tony, the guy who drinks the beer amazes people. That’s because he’s amazing. The amazingness amazes all. I want to be like Tony and drink the beer when I grow up. I sadly, am talentless in beer chugging skills. The world is his oyster with such mad skills. And I seriously mean that. The crow goes WILD for Tony, the guy who drinks the beer. And he SO looks like he enjoys his job. How many can really say that??? He’s a fan favorite. He’s like Derek Jeter in NYC. Tony gets chants for his name. He’s literally a walking superstar. When I was 16, my best friend told me that one day, the world would read my words and worship my thoughts. When Tony was 16, his friends obviously told him that one day, the world would see him drink and would worship the beer drinker. Sadly, I haven’t attained my potential. And he has. Now that Tony The Guy Who Drinks the Beer has made me feel like a loser, I’ll go on.

Jen has already mentioned that I was pulled on stage by Tony for the SAFETY dance. (I remain a huge fan, despite that snafu.) In all the times I’ve ever been there, that is the first time I’ve been on stage, forced or otherwise. And I have no idea what the safety dance even was! Dancing in general is not my thing. Dancing on stage - aagh! All I wanted was off the stage...

BUT - once I was off the stage, I wanted ON the stage. Not to dance (god forbid!) But to sing. Sing the song of gods. Sing my theme song. Sing my (one day) wedding song. Sing (yes, we all know this answer) It’s The End Of The World As We Know It. I asked Jen if I should, and she was scared for me. I actually wasn’t even sure I was allowed to, since they had already sang the song once for me. So I had to ask. But was given the ok. So now once I go this far, I can’t change my mind. It was kinda like jumping out of the plane - once I got to the edge of the plane, I wanted to bail (or, rather, not bail) but was already so far that you can’t turn around and are flying before you knew it.

Anyway, $20 later, Billy goes on the drums, and Rich (the only one who knows the words) was next to me. I think he was the crutch for when I crashed in a blaze of glory (which, trust me, I did). I go up there with my LAST cigarette of the evening. I had gone through an entire pack. Actually, I had put two packs into one pack, so I had been through two packs of candy cigarettes that night. This was my final cigarette. So it had to count (and keep count of the time. I'm Greek. I talk with my hands. My secret is out.)

I talk fast. For those who don’t know me, I prefer to think that it’s because I’m so passionate about everything in life that I get really excited and that spills out. Or so brilliant my brain is so far ahead of my mouth that I have to talk uber fast to even slightly keep up. For those who do know me, they will confirm that in actuality, it’s because I’m an idiot. And also because, in this situation, I’m nervous. Yes, dear friends, I can talk even FASTER when I’m nervous. Believe it or not. I actually talk SLOWLY (for me standards) for you all most of the time. And while god (aka Michael Stipe) sings this song somewhat fast to begin with - I’m WAY ahead of the music. At some point I even gestured to Rich and Billy to go faster (and they were going the right speed!) because it was easier than telling myself to slow down. You all know me, I don’t listen anyway.

Anyway. I nail verse one (Almost 150 words. The hardest verse!) Billy makes a remark along the lines of "could I get verse two." Please, I could do this blindfolded. (On second thought, maybe I should have been blindfolded...) Of COURSE I can hit the 75 words in verse 2. It’s only half as long! So I do. Billy again inserts a remark about "there is no way that I can hit the 36 (yes, dear readers, 36) words in verse three." Obviously, he knows nothing about my freshman year of college - pre-internet people! - obsession where I listened to it over and over and over and over for months learning the words. Often drinking whenever I messed up. I could do this in my sleep. Right? Right. (HA! That’s the part that I messed up. That struck me as humorous. I’m such a dork.) Anyway, I start verse three. But as we all know, the words, "You symbiotic, patriotic, slam, but neck, right? Right." And that is WAY too close to "You vitriolic, patriotic, slam, fight, bright, light, feeling pretty psyched." So when I get to the "patriotic, slam" in verse 3, I finish with the rest of verse 1. D'oh! And then, for those who have good ears, I inserted a "fuck" as soon as I realized I did it. Which was a moment before Billy said something about "Not being able to get it, Right? Right." Grr... Had I not been so angry with myself for messing up my anthem, I'd have to give him a touche for his smart assed comment.

As we were leaving, T, the dangly earring RuPaul one that Jen and Erin adore (though both have Billy tendencies as well), came up because he had seen earlier me singing along to It’s The End of the World and was impressed. (He obviously didn’t know that later in the night, I tried to sing it myself and failed like I did my last math class!) Anyway, I mentioned how I love the song and am going to walk down the aisle to it one day. And he says how flat out weird that is. Ok, I know I’m weird, I accept that, I actually even embrace it. But it’s slightly freaky to me that apparently any deviation from the concept of a traditional wedding is just too much to accept for everyone. (Females, ok, many of you have been building up the idea of "the wedding day" since they were like 4. But males? What’s up with that? What do you care? My dad even said he refuses to walk me down the aisle then. I said ok.) So where are all the weird, sports loving philosophers?? The march to the beat of own drummers, the colors outside the lines, the "fuck the world, this is me and I don’t care if people think the I'm cool or not" people? I need more of them in my life! Otherwise, I'm all weird alone. And not that it's a bad thing, or that I could even change if I wanted to, but sometimes, it's easier to be weird when someone understands that weird is ok and not contagious. It's not like I need friends to be weird in my own way because I know that ain't gonna happen. Anyway, I digress.

All in all, despite the inability to sing the song correctly, it was well worth the $20. I mean, if one of my friends can drop whatever the price of a prostitute in Spain is to lose his virginity, I can drop $20 to sing my favoritest song in the universe. Plus, as I sometimes remind myself, I’m a gosh darned lawyer. I can afford whatever I want. (Then I remind myself, I’m a lawyer who just bought a house. And no I can’t...But I’ve never been one to deny myself what I want.)

My mom later asked me how drunk I was to sing. (I was still high from my Michael Stipe moment. I just LOVE that song!) I reminded her that this was me, the daughter who loved attention, not the other daughter. She just laughed. And anyway, I have to get in practice of American Idol next week! Come on, they raised the limit at the same time they are coming to Cleveland - how fortuitous! It’s like it was meant to be. I was meant to embarrass myself in front of Simon!! Who is such an asshole, I'm sure we all know that's totally my type! But I sure better practice that offending line - verse 3 is not "fight, bright light, feeling pretty psyched" but "but neck, right? Right." Danged "patriotic, slam" twice that did it! And the fact that Billy cursed me by saying, "she can’t get the third verse." The danged easiest verse. Bloody bastard. Which I am saying as meanly as one can at the object of one’s lust. But I have worked out the kinks for the American Idol audition. I'm all ready for Simon...

Oh, but today, Ms. Jennifer decided to EMAIL Billy and become friends with him. Yes she did dear friends and random people who googled "lost virginity to a prostitute" and ended up here.. Meanwhile, Stephanie is slightly bitter at any attempts to make Billy a real person rather than the adorable piano person in a nonreal way. I mean, what if he’s a Republican or something like that? Who wants to know stuff like that?? I’d rather he be the nonreal piano player. And he seems very nice in Jen’s correspondence. Of course, we all know how I feel about nice people. ;-) It’s much better when one doesn’t know him and he can be as asshole. So Jen and Billy are, naturally, the best of buds, because that is what Jennifer does. As long as it doesn’t involve Mike from Jackdaw.

She had emailed me all of these correspondences between her and Billy and I hadn’t immediately emailed her back. Why, you ask, dear blog readers? Or rather, blog reader and anyone who Googles "lost virginity to a stripper"? Well, because I was talking with a partner about my upcoming trial. My computer "pings" every time I get an email. So it was pinking a lot! At one point I saw the subject "MORE BILLY" and had to start laughing. So now I have to explain to the partner (i.e. MY BOSS!) why I’m laughing. ("We went to the piano bar, and there is a piano player who is just adorably cute and she keeps sending me email messages with his name in the title to get my attention." Or so I thought - little did I know at that time!) Finally, she calls my cell to find out what’s going on. I hit the button to see who it was and it accidentally answered - I have to learn to fix that. (Yes, the partner is still with me). She immediately asked, "did you see my emails?" I had to explain that the partner was there and promise to call her back. When he left, I read over the emails and had to call her. Immediately. To exclaim, "you did what?!?" I was later talking to her when he walked in again. I’m still shell shocked, to say the least, that she turned fantasy man into real man, (and we can discuss my intimacy issues to not want pretend people made real later), and had to explain why I’m so shell shocked to the partner. And he laughs at me again and tells me that the entire situation reminds him of the Verizon commercial where the one college frat boy got the job before all his friends, and they are all In, so they call him all the time to guess how many cookies they have in their mouth and to remind him to bring home toilet paper. So Jen, the toilet paper will be there in 3 hours...

Coming soon - a report of Friday. But this ain't it.

The Ultimate Insult...
Now today, one of the paralegals here come up to me and said that I "look like a lawyer today." AAGH. Life as we know it is ending. OK, I’m wearing my glasses today because my contacts were bothering my eyes (still watering after an hour, and if you were curious how driving to work when you can’t see works, not well), and they are the thick black frames, slightly oval (but not oval enough to be the porn star librarian ones - you know what I’m talking about). And I’m wearing a red suit today b/c of Plaintiff’s deposition. But come on, I look like a lawyer?! She called it "the other side of me." Ugh! Crazy people!

S-A-F-E-T-Y
Hey, this is what I have!! Go my and my safe self!! Next time someone criticizes me for not wearing my seat belt, I'm bustin' out this.

 

YIKES!
When I was 12-15, I was a soccer referee ($10 an hour!) I too got irritated when my calls were questioned by the parents. But this I never thought of!

 

George Eads!!
Whew! I was nervous that CSI would suck without Nick. Truth be told, I was ok with Sara being gone. But Nick? He’s quite possibly the most adorable man in the face of the earth. (Along with Jody Gerut.) I seriously could not picture the show without Nick. Thankfully, I don't have to.

 

Major props to Ricky Williams now
I want Ricky Williams life. The ability to say "fuck you" and walk away from something that doesn’t make you 100% happy. Granted, he has the money to do it, but how many people would still find an excuse.

 

Shove It!
So Heinz Kerry told a reporter to "shove it." Seriously, if I go off on opposing counsel one day, my answer to the Judge is going to be, "but if Cheney and Heinz Kerry can do it...) It’s almost as poetic as my "bite me."

 

Well, they always say that political candidates are asses.
I know that I’m a Democrat, but I’m not sure that even I could cast a vote solely b/c the candidate is a donkey. Literally.

 

"Come on Kids, It’s Electric Shock Time..."
I am not sure if I desperately want this electric shock game or if I am really scared of it.

 

Five Questions
31. If you knew that there would be a nuclear war in one week, what would you do? Call off work all week, trial be damned. Max out every one of my credit cards and take all the money in my saving account and travel. Whirlwind traveling - less than one day on each location (after the first day it took to get there, of course.) Not to Australia, though I’ve always wanted to go b/c it’s already tomorrow there, and it took a day to travel, so now there are only 5 days left. Figure out where I’d most like to die and stay there. Maybe see the Pyramids, which I wanted to go see in 2002 and my parents would not let me go alone b/c it wasn’t safe for a single American female. I’d be more reckless b/c if I died - oh well, right?

32. Would you accept twenty years of extraordinary happiness and fulfillment if it meant that you would die at the end of the period? Yes. First, twenty years is a pretty significant length of time. Second, pure happiness? Wow, that’s like sensory overload. I’d just pack a lifetime of fun into 20 years. I know that this somewhat contradicts my earlier answers that I’d want to live forever b/c there is not enough time to do everything we want to do. But I’ve already said I’m a walking contradiction.

33. What is the greatest accomplishment of your life? If there anything you hope to do that is even better? I actually hope that I haven’t achieved my greatest accomplishment, because short of learning all the words to It’s The End of the World As We Know It (and going down in a blaze of glory trying to showcase my skills this weekend), I don’t know that I’ve really accomplished anything of significance in the grand scheme of things. But I don’t know what I want to do when I grow up, so I’m not sure what I DO hope to accomplish. I’m going to be 30 years old, with a law degree, working as a Manager at McDonalds. (Did I ever mention my sophomore year of college, I needed a job and went to apply at McDonalds, and they were hiring, but I did not get the job. What does one do to get rejected from McDonalds? And I had worked there for 18 months in high school too!! That was the pinnacle of my failure in life as a human being, when I was deemed unqualified to even say, "Welcome to McDonalds, may I take your order please?" I digress...

34. What was your most enjoyable dream? Your worst nightmare? I don’t remember too many of my dreams. The ones that I do recall generally are not pleasant at all. So I’m not sure I have an enjoyable dream. The only ones I have are bad ones, I’m usually being chased or going to be killed. Lately, I’ve been dreaming about getting shot in the neck. Actually, it’s just the aftermath of being shot in the beck. It’s somewhat scary b/c that’s all it is - me grabbing my neck and trying to stop the blood from pouring out through my fingers, and knowing that I’m not going to be able to. I’ve no idea who shot me or why. The entire dream starts after I’ve been shot and lasts about 15-30 seconds. I once had a dream that I was married, but I don’t know to who. That was pretty scary too. ;-)

35. Would you give up half of what you now own for a pill that would permanently change you so that one hour of sleep each day would fully refresh you? Absolutely. First, I don’t own that much - most of what I own are bills! So please, take half of those! But seriously, since I’m young and starting out, I don’t own much at all. So it’s a very small price to pay. Then, I have that feeling (which I think is universally human, b/c lots of humans I know have that feeling, whereas my cats do not appear to have that feeling) that 24 hours a day just isn’t enough to get done all that needs to be done. That we need more time. The person who is lying on his deathbed after 110 years is still thinking, "I need more time." But you can’t just order more time like a pizza. However, this is a way to cheat time of sorts. I would give up half of what I own and never regret that decision.

Ever Been Really Tired But Can't Fall Asleep Because Your Brain Is Running With Meaningless Thoughts?

The brilliance of Scrubs has been discussed this week in light of the Scrubs marathon on Thursday. And the final song in the episode is sheer brilliance. (You know, I've realized I say "brilliance" or "brilliant" quite often. I should learn some new words.)
Winter - Josh Radin
I should know who I am by now,
I walk the record stand somehow,
thinkin’ of winterthe name is the splinter inside me
while I wait
And I remember the sound
of your November downtown,
And I remember the truth
a warm December with you,
but I don’t have to make this mistake,
and I don’t have to stay this way
if only I would wake
the walk has all been cleared by now
your voice is all I hear somehow
calling out winter
your voice is the splinter inside me
while I wait
And I remember the sound
of your November downtown,
And I remember the truth
a warm December with you,
but I don’t have to make this mistake,
and I don’t have to stay this way
if only I would wake
I could have lost myself
in rough blue waters in your eyes,
and I miss you stil
loh I remember the sound
of your November downtown
And I remember the truth,
a warm December with you
but I don’t have to make this mistake,
and I don’t have to stay this way
if only I would wake.

 

I'm Old...
As I've mentioned, my cousins were here this weekend. The oldest are going to be seniors in college (the one is even thinking law school - I'm doing my best to dissuade her.) ;-) Anyway, my cousins had never seen Field of Dreams. Seriously. I couldn't believe it. That's a classic great movie. My one cousin said she never wanted to watch it beause she assumed it was only about baseball. I was stunned. Only about baseball? It's about magic, and family, and regret. It's a tear jerker. It's a great movie.

"My best friend's sister's boyfriend's brother's girlfriend heard from this guy who knows this kid who's going with a girl who saw Ferris pass-out at 31 Flavors last night. I guess it's pretty serious." I'm not sure why I wrote that. It's in my head - I needed it to get out.

 
Any Advice for my Future Self
Why do I find the concept of (the now defunct) mylastemail.com so frightening, and think that www.futureme.org so cool? I can write to myself in 2036! This leads to some questions: (1)  Will I still be alive? (2) At the same email address? (3) And on a practical matter - does email still works in the same way in the future? But to be honest, I think it would be way better to talk to my past self. That would be useful. "Dear Stephanie, you will have this choice coming up soon.  Try not to fuck up again. In other words - don't do X. Love, me."

 
Major Props to Carlos Delgado
Carlos Delgado is incredibly anti-war. He refuses to stand up for God Bless America, the seventh inning patriotic moment that started in the aftermath of 9.11.  He's been doing this all season. For whatever reason, this story has just come out. Meanwhile, Yankee fans decided to boo him for his position. I guess I didn't realize that the First Amendment and protesting was somehow an insult to Americans like Joe Torre and some fans indicated. Ron Borges said it best. "Delgado is not trying to make a mockery of the game or a spectacle of himself. It took half a season for anyone to even notice what he was doing and ask him why. So just how disruptive is it? More to the point, why aren't we cheering a man who is publicly teaching our sons and daughters that in the United States you are free to stand up for what you believe, even if your government doesn't agree? Now that's something worth fighting for."

 
"Fair and Balanced??"
This past week, MoveOn.Org and Common Cause (the former of which I'm in, the latter of which I'm not) brought a petition with the FTC about Fox News's slogan "Fair and Balanced." The FTC basically said we don't give a fuck about it and indicated they are going to ignore it, for all intents and purposes. I actually signed the petition, but I don't know how I feel about it. From a First Amendment standpoint, Fox should be able to say whatever they want as their slogan, and no one should be able to stop them, even if it's a big fat lie. But Fox wants to trademark "Fair and Balanced." That's ridiculous. Fox, Trump with "You're fired." These aren't original statements, people! They are sayings.

 
I love Amish bread, but watching Amish kids go wild and crazy might be as interesting as watching thebread bake
Amish in the City? Reality TV is getting out of hand. But two of the Amish people are from Ohio - Ruth and Miriam. Oh, we are so proud...

 
Sadly, I'm single
Speaking of proud Ohio things, the Twins festival is coming up. It's near Cleveland, and they always make a big deal of it, and it always makes me sad I'm not a twin. I always wanted to have a twin (other than the festival). Though I guess that it would be somewhat hard to always be thought of as a duo. The grass is always greener...

 
Did A Full Investigation Ever Occur??
What ever happened to Bush "fully investigating" the senior admininstratation official who called 6 journalists to reveal the identity of Joseph Wilson's wife (the CIA agent), allegedly in revenge because he criticized the administration?  I haven't heard anything about it since. Did I miss it, or was it swept under the rug (like Cheney and Halliburton and the no-bid contracts in Iraq? Hey, I took Government Contracts in law school!)

 
Mensa
A brilliant friend sent me the July 2004 issue of Mensa Bullet I N - Famous Mensans Edition. On the inside of the front cover is this problem by Google. It's driving my crazy. It involves math, and I want to know the answer, but I'd need a calculator. And I don't own one except attached to my cell phone. My favorite part are the letters, many of which are full of arrogant self-importance. Then they have the bios on the famous Mensans (go figure).  People like Geena Davis, Marilyn vos Savant (for some unknown and unfair reason, she bothers me), and my personal favorite, Asia Carrera. According to her bio, she is an "adult star" who was at Rutgers University on a full academic scholarship majoring in Business and Japanese. She dropped out because she "made more money and had more fun as an adult star." Some of her 300+ roles have included A Is For Asia (a biography?) And she's won Adult Video News Performer of the Year and Best Sex Scene Award. (Who even knew porn had such awards.) But my favorite part is that she rarely attends functions "because she's an extremely shy person." Wow, we define shy differently. Since she's in Mensa, guess it's my definition that's wrong.


A Music Review
Finally, I have been listening to the Trans-Siberian Orchestra' s Beethoven's Last Night while I've been working. I cannot say enough good things about them. They originated from a rock group (Savatage maybe?) and were created by Paul O'Neill (of Broadway fame).  Yes, it's a rock opera, but it's so much more. I've seen them twice in concert (the Christmas concert, obviously). I think that the music is so enchanting. I could listen to it forever. There are a few songs that literally jump out at you and grab your emotions. Or at least mine. It's a CD, but has a story line to follow (you have to read the cover to funny appreciate it). Quickly put, Beethoven has just finished his Tenth Symphony. He thinks it's his best ever. He is visited by Fate, who tells him he's going to die that night. He's then visited by Mephistopheles  who tells him that he's going with him to hell - unless he agrees to give up all of his music. His soul or his music? And his music is his only legacy...It then goes into his reflection of his life - he thinks he would have been so much happier and life better if he wasn't deaf. We then see how he was in love with Teresa, and she with him, when he realized that he was going deaf, so he pushed her away. He now realizes that she wouldn't have left him because of that. He ultimately decides not to give his music away because it would take too much away from the world. (Yay!) Then Mephistopheles points out a little girl sleeping on his stoop and tells him that he's going to make her life hell and torture her her entire life unless he agrees to give up just his Tenth Symphony (which no one has heard so it's not a loss to the world), and if Beethoven agress, he'll leave the girl alone. Beethoven realizes that he can't let this girl suffer, even though there will be many more like her who will. He agrees to give up the Symphony. Twist (Fate's son, how appropriate) points out that he can't trust Mephistopheles, and says they should write a contract. They do. Beethoven signs despondently. Mephistopheles signs in triumph and grabs the Symphony to burn it. It doesn't burn. Turns out that Twist wrote the name of his brother who died at childbirth. Twist (intentionally) wrote the first, and he was given the same name but was the second. So Mephistophles has been tricked. He disappears in anger. Then Twist reveals that Beethoven is going to die - but he was never going to hell. He dies. As he does, Twist takes the Tenth Symphony and hides it in the wall of the house, never to be discovered. The CD has Jody Ashworth as Beethoven, who I think is really good, but I've also seen him at the Cleveland Playhouse in Plaid Tidings last year which I really liked, so I might be impartial. Someone else told me that they thought he was the weakest part of the CD b/c his voice lacked emotion. I thought he was great and didn't notice this lack of emotion. But speaking of emotion, Adam Pascal (the original Roger in Rent - yet another asshole who I adore, the charater Roger I mean, not Adam Pascal), who I absolutely adore (now I am talking about Adam Pascal), is back in Aida on Broadway until it closes. Due to me deep love for Adam Pascal, and for Aida itself (the ultimate love story - and home to Written in the Stars, one of the best songs ever), if anyone wants to take a roadtrip to NYC (after my trials - so like in September...)

And now it's extremely late, and I'm extremely tired, so I'm off to sleep. I still haven't talked about my stirring debut, but I guess I'll get to that later. Sugar, I have a deposition tomorrow. That was an important thing to recall. I wish I did before I wasted an hour. Oh, well, pleasant dreams everyone.

Way too many Greeks in one place

You might as well know. I'm a sci-fi freak. Especially Star Wars. So I am dorky enough to be uber excited about this.  Revenge of the Sith. I think the title is great. I wasn't a fan of the first two of the prequels: The Phanton Menace and Attack of the Clones.  But this title is brilliant. This title is fantastic. This title takes it back to Return of the Jedi (my favorite movie b/c the good guys win. Yes, I understand every *true* Star Wars fans says The Empire Strikes Back is the best. But I like to see the good guys win. Take that. And this story line *should* be much better than the first two (though obviously, the bad guys win), because of how much is left to do. Anakin turns bad, kills all the Jedi sans Yoda  (my absolute philosophic idol) and Obi-Wan, and the big battle where he falls into the acid to turn himself "more machine than man, twisted and evil." How does that tie into his own mother dying and the temper that flared then?? Ooh, I am very most excited for May 2005. Will it be any good? "Difficult to see, the future. Always in motion." Ok, I'll stop.

 
So I had a family reunion yesterday. This wasn't my immediately family gathering like 4th of July weekend (which had 35 people at my house...and a dog.) This was my huge,, 200 person family in-from-as-far-away-as-New-Mexico reunion. (Aside: my 90 year old aunt from St. Louis shouldn't be flying by herself at all. Or driving. Examole: she was driving last month and forgot where she was going and why she was behind the wheel. So she just keep going until she remembered - three hours later when she was VERY far away from home!)

The silly thing about having it this year is that so many of my relatives are currently in Greece b/c of the Olympics this year. No, there were no throwing plates (after all, it was a picnic, and paper plates  don't crash the same.)  But the hard thing is that I feel like an outcast there. First, the cousins closest in age to me - 8-10 years older than me are all married with kids, with the exception, of course, of me. So they start asking me when I'm going to. Now, it's bad enough when my grandparents (and like-minded older relatives who fail to understand why I needed a career) are asking me when I'm going to get married (my grandmother desperately wants great grandchildren). But when the ones I played with as kids are asking, I'm irritated. They actually told me that my biological clock was ticking and as I get older, it's harder to have children. I'm not even kidding. I'm 28!! Don't I have to be in my 30s before I start to obsess about that biological clock?? And they later said something about handing out with their "really young" friends for their 30th birthday next month and I said, "I'm not 30 yet." My one cousin says to me, "yes you are, you're just a couple of years younger than me." And I ask how old she is (I know they are all several years older than me - they were in high school when I was in elementary school) and she says she's 38. (Can I point out her kids are 4 and 2, so she had them at 34 and 36 and that's several years older than me and I never asked her about her biological clock before she had them.)  And anyway, that's 10 years older than me, not a couple. Then I start to think, "Do I look like I'm 36?? I mean, it's only been a year since I've been carded going to see a rated R movie. I'm usually told I look young. Now I look like I'm 36? What does this mean?" Sigh.

Anyway, outcast. The hard thing about the huge reunions is, where do I fit in with my family?? There are obvious "groups" and I'm groupless. I'm not the old generation (i.e. the grandparents; the start of it all), and I'm not with the cousins (i.e. of which there are two, the older ones; my mom's generation and the younger ones, my mom's siblings who are much younger than her and therefore, are about 20 years younger than the other cousins). Then there are the original set of cousin's kids, of which I am one. But the older cousins, those cousins are all 10 years old than me (my parents didn't have children for a long time. I'm not sure to what extent they waited in the first place and to what extent the two miscarriages before me influenced it. (A psychic once told me I was a middle child. I told the psychic she was wrong, I was the oldest. She again told me no, I was the middle child. That night I fought out that my mom had two miscarriages before I was born in the later months, and with my two younger siblings, I am the middle child of five.))  Anyway, the point being, that I'm younger than the cousins of the older counsins. But I'm about ten years older than the kids of the younger cousins. Then the kids of the older cousins all have kids as well - all under the age of 4, so there are about 8 of them running around who are all the same age. But around MY age is my cousin 2 years older (in Afghanistan), my sister and brother, 3 and 5 years apart respectively and who I see all the time anyway, and my godbrothers and sister, who are closer in age, but we have little in common - and two of them are married and the third had two kids (yes, without being married. Family scandal at the time.) The next ones are all 10 years younger. They are high school seniors (or just about to start college) so we don't exactly have a lot in common. So where do I go? I wander around a lot from group to group, always slightly feelings left out, despite the fact that I'm surrounded by 200 Greek family.

Then, because I'm obnoxious (which I'm sure comes as a great shock), and because many in my family have conservative tendencies, I was wearing one of my political shirts. (I'm not allowed to talk about politics to my family. So I don't talk, I just try to make statements.) Actually, my mother has given me a list of people I'm not allowed to talk to. I'm not allowed to talk to my one uncle about anything b/c I dislike him and will tell him what I think of him, in fact, have been dying to do so for 2 years. I'm not allowed to talk to my cousin's best friend about anything b/c we got into it at the bridal shower when I explained that Bush was the anti-Christ. We had a misunderstanding. I misunderstood that she had a brain, and she misunderstood that I gave a crap what she thought of me. And just yesterday she added an older uncle about politics, who at the time was commenting about the Democrats and the war. (Bite.my.tongue. Literally.) 

 
Finally, it's Shark Week on the Discovery channel. Yes, I like the Discovery Channel. Again, I'm a dork. But I just never got into Shark Week. I'm not sure why. They just bore me. What is the obsession with sharks, can anyone explain??

 
Ok, now that all my relatives are gone, I mowed the front lawn at least, started pulling off the obnoxious grapes border in the kitchen (without muh success and discovered where I was successful that the wall is grey underneath) and I bailed on the Greek festival b/c I have to work, I need to actually get to work and stop goofing around. On the up side, in true Stephanie logic, I didn't actually lose any time; I've been watching the Indians game the entire time and come'on, it's not like I'd really work during the game anyway. Grade Sizemore is apparently doing ok. He had the game winning hit last night in the bottom of the 9th, and today, he got his first major league home run.  And he's kinda cute. Granted, he's no Jody Gerut. But he's cute. And since he plays center field, I don't expect him to take playing time away from Jody, so he's ok. More later about Friday and my brilliant singing debut.  Hey, I'm getting ready: American Idol is coming to Cleveland August 4.  And since they increased the age limit to 28; I'm right there baby...

Meandering thoughts of the day...

Bitch Counsel's motion for sanctions was denied. Our motion to amend the answer (the reason for the motion for sanctions; she agreed to "withdraw" her motion if we withdrew our motion to amend and removed the argument from our (still pending) summary judgment brief) was granted. Take that, BC! On a related note, there is a FOURTH person on this case now. At one time, I was #2. Now I'm #4. But I think I'm actually #3, because I think the third person they put on was taken off the case when the put the fourth person on. He's a partner, so it's two partners and me, the lowely associate. Preparing for my first trial.

My Greek relatives are again descending upon my house. Yikes. The last time they were here, I may or may not have mentioned, they broke my sink (since fixed). I laid down the law this time: if a contact falls down the sink, it's staying down the sink. No taking the pipes of my house apart.  (I actually found it all quite funny, I was just pissy b/c I wanted to leave.) The bad news: I haven't done laundry since they were here, which is twofold bad: (1) I have no clean towels for them!! and (2) I am out of clean clothes and had to wear a skirt today. Yes, a skirt. Shock and awe at this tragic turn of events. Actually, despite my joshing, I don't mind skirts. What I do mind is being FORCED to wear a skirt, whether it is for Easter Sunday, court, or because I ran out of clothes. I think this goes to my inability to not have myself be in total control of everything.

I also discovered a huge bruise that I can only conclude is from paintball. It's right where I got hit, but I hadn't seen a bruise there at the time. Now I have this yellow thing. It's either that or jaundice (which I had when I was a baby. I guess I was bubble girl for a while. I don't remember it though.)

I am not sure I could meet a potential soul mate at a Ugly Man festival.

And you knew it was only a matter of time before "Girley Men" became a t-shirt to wear.  I still want the Michael Stipe t-shirt, which isn't exactly like this, but similar. (His is light blue/grey with the navy trim.)

And now off to happy hour...

15 More Things I'd Answer If I Were Asked (15-30)

Because I’m having fun (?) challenging myself and making myself think about things that could never happen (as a friend pointed out to me), and because I don’t have time right now to expand on how the end of the world as we know it as already occurred (Bush ‘00) and that we are waiting for the end of the world as we didn't know it (Bush ‘04?) (as such a serious topic deserves due consideration), and because I don’t have time to talk about the brilliance that is Tocqeville right now (which is what I really want to do as he has had my attention all day for no apparent reason), I continue with my questions.

16. If at birth, you could select the profession you child would eventually pursue, would you do so? Can I make them be a left handed pitcher for the Cleveland Indians?? As tempting as that might be, this I know that the answer would be no. Absolutely not. I’m too much a free spirit to want that done to me, I would rather die of thirst than be forced to drink a beverage of someone else’s choosing (ha! You all thought it was than to drink from the cup of mediocrity, huh?) and so, I can’t do that to someone else. Especially someone I love. (Ok, I’m presupposing that I’m going to love my child. I don’t find this to be a flaw in my answer though.) Can you imagine some parents wanting their children to be successful X or Y, as if that somehow validates their life. And all the parents who want their kids to be the president - how many presidents do we need?? Or actors? Who is going to look at their child and say, "I want you to be a janitor. I want you to be a garbage collector? I want you to sweep wrappers and scrape gum off the cement. Yet as surely as we need presidents and actors and sports stars and doctors and lawyers, we need garbage collectors and janitors.

17. Would you be willing to become extremely ugly physically if it meant you would live for 1,000 years at any physical age you choose? 1,000 years? Hmm...I’m obsessed with vampires. Vampires are cool, in part because they live forever. (Like how I presume that vampires exist?) And this is any physical age, so I don’t have to be old and forgetting. That is getting tempting. But is 1,000 years even long enough to do all the things that you want to do and see all the places you want to see in life? Oh, and then there is that ugly thing. Not that I’m a prom princess or anything, but the simple fact is, people stare at but don’t look at ugly people. How many times do people walk by a homeless person? An albino (I've only seen once)? Someone horribly disfigured in a fire? You are an awful kind of invisible then. Am I strong enough to be stared at but invisible and ignored for 1,000 years? Probably not. So no. Even for the promise of the chance to do more and see more than life gives us a chance to.

18. If you could wake up tomorrow having gained any one ability or quality, what would it be? Geesh. As for ability, I’m torn between the altruistic ability to heal anyone of any disease and the selfish ability to read minds so no more questioning: "what are they thinking right now?" Many of you probably thought I’d say defy gravity, but since I don’t believe that gravity exists anyway, I didn’t need to. As for one quality, I suppose that being a better person is way too each and much too vague. Hmm...which of my multitude of vices would I most readily give up? There are so many to choose from...trusting people, opening up, pride, envy, jealousy, paying closer attention to other people’s problems and pain (especially those on the street who I don’t know). I honestly can’t say that any one of them is any worse than any others. They are all pretty limiting in my quest to be a better person. Or qualities that would make me happier? More creative, more artistic, more coordinated (I’d KILL to go through a day only walking into the wall once). I’d say the ability to look at life as if it were all new again and forever.

19. You have the chance to meet someone with whom you can have the most satisfying stuff imaginable - the stuff of dreams. Sadly, you know that in six months the person will die. Knowing the pain that would follow, would you still want to meet the person and fall in love? What if you knew that your lover would not die, but instead would betray you? Ok, the second question is probably because most people would say yes to the first one. I’m not so sure that I would. I mean, I’d like to think that I would. But I’d often like to thing great things about myself. From The Dance, one of my favorite nostalgic songs, "I’m glad I didn’t know the way it all would end, the way it all would go. Our lives are better left to chance, I could have missed the pain, but I’d have had to miss the dance." If I didn’t know that would happen, and I had the six months and then boom - then it’s just part of the pain that we have to deal with in life. It’s expected in its unexpectedness. But if I know how things will end, and it’s not good, would I honestly walk into that, eyes wide open? The part of me that wants to believe that I’m a better person than I know I am says, "of course." The obnoxious part of me that is weak and constantly afraid of getting hurt is poking me with a stick every time I start to say yes, mocking me. So maybe not. It would take real courage, and I’m not sure I have that. Moreover, the first several months, everyone is on their best behavior. I would never know if that was the real person or the "best behavior" person, and then what if I’d be comparing everyone for the rest of my life to someone who never existed? As for the second one, if I were to be betrayed, definitely not. When I get betrayed (how over the top soap opera-y) it makes me question whether anything that occurred was real, or whether it was fake or just the moment or brilliant acting. So to know that it would end in betrayal, I’d question everything the entire time. He’s say, "it’s nice outside today" and I’d not even be able to believe that, even though the sun was shining and there wasn’t a cloud in the sky. So definitely no to that one. Even for a dream period.

20. If you knew of a way to use your estate, following your death, to greatly benefit humanity, would you do it and leave only a minimal amount to your family? Absolutely. I would definitely leave it to others if it could benefit. I’m not one of those people who thinks that you have any responsibility to leave things to your family. You are what YOU make of yourself, not what others leave you. Therefore, what I accumulate in my lifetime, that doesn’t mean that it belong to my children. They have no right to is. And if it does better good somewhere else, I’d want to do that. Not to have one lasting impression on the world, but because it’s only right. Above else, I want to do things that are right in the world.

21. Do you prefer being around men or women? Do your closest friends tend to be men or women? It's not a "preference," but my closest friends are almost all women. Mostly people who have known me for years and years and years. Though two of my favorite people in the world have been men - and not for the romance but because they were both...brilliantly weird. It’s definitely a different dynamic. It’s like When Harry Met Sally. The sex thing is always out there, even when it’s not out there. It’s always just underneath and hidden, but there. Like the sun on a cloudy day. It's not there, but you know that it's there somewhere and could come out later. But I don’t think that means that it’s any worse. Just different. I prefer being around anyone who isn't going to try to change me into a Stepford Wife. Or a lawyer. Sadly, that discounts most of the people in the world. :( 

22. If you could use a voodoo doll to hurt anyone you chose, would you? Do people like Osama count? I am slightly ashamed to admit that I can be a vengeful soul. And actually, this again gets frightening b/c if my Greek temper comes out, I’d break someone’s legs and then realize, "oops, I didn’t *really* mean to do that. I have been known to act first and think later. So I’d rather not have the power to do so, because I’m not sure I’d have the responsibility to keep myself in line.

23. While on a trip to another city, your spouse (or lover) meets and spends a night with an exciting stranger. Given that they will never meet again, and that you will not otherwise learn of the incident, would you want your partner to tell you about it? If roles were reversed, would you reveal what you had done? Damn. I’ve actually thought about this before, in a "maybe before I get married we decide whether we are going to talk about any affairs or whether we are going to keep them quiet." How cynical am I? I read in some magazine that like 72% of spouses have an affair, and conclude that means that my spouse or I or both will and think about what the plan will be in the aftermath. Can we say, "don't trust?") If there was no way that I would ever find out, part of me says that I don’t want to know about it. It will just make it so that I can never really feel secure and trust him again. The problem is, how often do secrets stay secret? The other side of me says that if the roles were reversed, I’d want to tell b/c I couldn’t keep it in, the guilt would get to me. So explain that one to me. Same question, and two different answers depending on my role in this. Questions like this make me not like myself very much.

24. Are there people you envy enough to want to trade lives with them? Who are they? I am sure that I’ve envied things that some people have, but I don’t think that I’ve ever wanted to literally trade lives with someone. There are things like, "I wish that I had her hair or his career" or something like that, but they are not things I’d be willing to give up my family and friends for. Things that I’d be willing to even give up my cats for. So I guess that means that I can’t totally hate my life, right? ;-)

25. For an all-expense paid, one-week vacation anywhere in the world, would you be willing to kill a beautiful butterfly by pulling off its wings? What about stepping on a cockroach? I could not kill the butterfly, and I could kill the cockroach, and yes, that makes me bad. Because part o the reason that I could not kill the butterfly is b/c it’s beautiful, and that I could kill the cockroach is because it’s ugly and scary. To be fair, I also would not want to because pulling off the wings seems so cruel, like torture, while stepping on a cockroach doesn’t seem to have the same torturefulness to it. So it’s not only the beauty. An ant is not beautiful, and whenever there is an ant in my house, I get a piece of paper and try to get him outside rather than squish it or flush it. So there is something to be said that because of the manner in which I’d have to kill it. And because I’m scared of cockroaches. But at the end of the day, that’s probably more a red herring, because I did note that the butterfly is beautiful and the cockroach is not. And I’ve come to realize that I should stop answering these questions b/c then all my badness comes across. That’s not fun. You don’t want everyone in the world to have the ability to realize that you are not a good person.

26. Would you be willing to murder an innocent person if it would end hunger in the world? Yes. I would be willing to. If it were someone I didn’t know or was only a mere acquaintance with, the decision would be made before I even had to consider it. I have never thought of myself as an "end justify the means" kind of girl, but I guess that I am. At least when the scale is so easily tilted. One death saves millions and millions of deaths...each yet. In fact, I would easily give up my life. The hard part comes if it were one of my close friends, or my children, or family, that would be harder. I’d like to think that I ultimately would. And unlike some of the other things, this isn’t just what I’d like to think I could be, I’m pretty sure that I would do this. Though afterwards I might be despondent and then kill myself in my guilt. But I think that in this situation, the scale is way too heavily tilted towards the obvious - you better do what you can to make the world a better place - and there is not one single person who I can say without a doubt will save millions of lives in some way, inventing a cure for cancer or curing world hunger. We all have that possibility, yes - but would you trade that possibility in one person for the definiteness that it will be cured. (and her total number of friends dwindles to zero...)

27. If God appeared to you in a series of vivid and moving dreams and told you to leave everything behind, travel alone to the Red See and become a fisherman, what would you do? What if you were told to sacrifice your child? Umm...do I know that it’s God for a fact, or do I also wonder whether I’m going crazy? Because if I’m having Godly dreams, I probably first thing that I’ve lost a few screws. How do I know that I shouldn’t be in a room with rubber walls? If I knew that it was God, then I’d be in a bind, b/c I don’t want to be alone forever and ever, and fishing bores me b/c you have to be so quiet and all that stuff, and we all know that I can’t be quiet. But if I knew that God was telling me to be a fisherman, and it wasn’t me going crazy, I’m not sure that I could refuse to be a fisherman just because I don’t like fishing. I don’t understand why things happen, but I trust that they happen for a reason. As for sacrificing my child...I’d probably demand why. And God would probably refuse to answer. And then I’d be torn, doing something I didn’t understand merely because I was told to. And I’m not sure that I could be Abraham and blindly follow.

28. What is your most treasured memory? I have so many. The first time camping and boiling water in an empty beer can over the fire. The first time skiing and not knowing how to stop so steering myself into a class. The first time water skiing and not knowing that you were supposed to let go of the rope and clinging for dear life as I was like a punching bag and the water was like Mike Tyson in his prime. The first (and only, so far) time skydiving and just seeing how beautiful everything was up there. In Rome when I was walking through the Colosseum and sticking my hand in Bocca della verità (and wondering whether it was going to come off.) In Greece...well, everything in Greece, actually. In The Cave where we would stand up and sing "HERE WE ARE, BORN TO BE KINGS" every time that Highlander came on. Playing soccer with aluminum cans in parking lots before baseball games while tailgating. The first time I fell in love and the first time I went to New Mexico, neither of which I’ve actually ever done and both of which I plan to do.

29. Have you ever hated anyone? If so, why and for how long? I haven’t ever really and truly hated hated anyone that I’ve known. I’m very reactionary, but I don’t hold grudges, no matter how badly I’ve been hurt or someone I love has been hurt. And it’s not a mature thing, or a "try walking in their shoes" thing. It’s just that I can’t really hate someone, no matter the sin. I do have lots of "ugh" people, but not true hate. That’s way too much energy.

30. Would you rather be given $10,000 for your own use or $100,000 to give anonymously to strangers? What if you could keep $1,000,000 or give away $20,000,000? I’d give away the $1,000,000, because $10,000 just isn’t that much and there is so much more that can be done by giving it away. Now that there is $1,000,000 as an options as well, and that is a considerable amount, it’s harder, but I still think I’d give it away. I’d start with my grandparents (yes, I realize it’s anonymous, the point isn’t that they know it’s from me, or else that stubborn Greek man would never take it) and other people I know who need the money, then charities that I support, starting with animal shelters and orphanages, and then to my college to build a new dorm, "Anonymous Hall." Those are things I’d do with my money if I had it anyway.

Goin' to the Monkeys

I love monkeys. I rooted for Anaheim Angels in the World Series two years ago because of the Rally Monkey. I was saddened when they got rod of Marcel on Friends. I loved the monkey sprint commercial (bring home a movie-something old -- and he shows up with the monkey with a cold - I also like the current Sprint commericals with the kids who go over their macaroni minutes or have to guess how much they will play with the ball or the new girl who gets the good crayons b/c she's special since she's new - oh! but I digress) with Sprint Man (who I find strangely attractive, despite the fact that he's not my type, doesn't have arty hair, and doesn't appear to be a cynical asshole - again, I digress.) 

Yet despite my appreciation for primates, I was a bit disturbed to learn that I am only a brain damaged monkey.

And since this is a monkey topic, I highly recommend that everyone read Daniel Quinn's book Ishmael.  Brilliance.

The First Day Of The Rest Of Your Life

Today’s installation of random why-on-earth-did-I-save-this articles: The First Day of the rest of your Life. - Overcoming the Post-Graduation Blues. Also by Lew. (Maybe I had a crush on him??) This is from Dirt #2, which I have no recollection of ever hearing or, let alone reading, but I guess I did. I can’t guess the year at all. This has small print and I’m on a short leash time-wise because I didn't want to work yesterday and trial stuff is due almost immediately, so I’m going to cut to the chase here. (I"ll get to my questions later...I know you are are all waiting with baited breath for my next set of opinions on morally challenging opinions.)

If you’ve recently graduated (or are about to) and have your life all mapped out, you’re more organized than anyone I’ve ever met. My condolences. If you’re normal and slightly confused (even if you do have sort of a plan), may I suggest perusing the following ten-step method of putting things into perspective. In a roundabout way, these ten steps include the best raints of the most self-fulfilled people I know.

STEP ONE. Rent and watch Dead Poets Society.

STEP TWO. Do the same with Ferris Bueller’s Day Off.

STEP THREE. Combine the motivational day-seizing from item one with the reckless pursuit of amusement from item two and take both to heart.

STEP FOUR. Never, ever be afraid of appearing stupid.

STEP FIVE. When you blow it (which you will, just like everybody else), figure out what when wrong.

STEP SIX. When in doubt, do it.

STEP SEVEN. Take life too seriously and you will freak out. Humor is to human beings what deflector shields were to the Millennium Falcon.

STEP EIGHT. What was the last really cool thing you did? Do it again today or find something better and do that/ Repeat this step daily.

STEP NINE. The desire to get everything you want from life is a cinch. It’s the patience and dedication that are hard work. Remember: a million dollars is earned a hundred bucks at a time.
STEP TEN. Driving is much more fun than riding in the passenger’s seat. This is a metaphor.

15 Things I'd Answer If I Were Asked

So everyone has those "100 Things About Me" lists. Well, at least Erin and Jen, my blogging mentors, both have them. But I can’t think of 100 Interesting Things About Me. I can’t even half myself and come up with 50 Things. So...there goes that idea. So then, in my unpackingness, I'm finding all sorts of fun stuff (obviosuly), including my books of questions. And a light bulb went off, like a cartoon, and I thought, "hell, I can answer questions. That’s giving my opinion. There ain’t nothing I like more than giving my opinion to people who don’t want it." And so, here we start...I do about 10-20 at a time. Because I don't want to prepare for trial, and I have to be at work for the rest of my life anyway, and because I really need my Ritalin. ;-)

1. For a person you loved deeply, would you be willing to move to a distant country knowing there would be little chance of seeing your friends or family again? No. I would ultimately resent that person, which is not fair to either of us. I care too much about my friends and family to know I’d never get to see them again. Some people are made of that type of stuff. I’m not. Sorry.

2. Do you believe in ghosts and evil spirits? Would you be willing to spend a night alone in a remote house that is supposedly haunted? Yes and yes. I absolutely believe in ghosts and evil spirits, and I’d love to spend the night in a haunted house, even though the black shadow scared the shit out of me when I was 17 and when I talk about it, I still get tears in my eyes. It was, without a doubt, the scaredestness I’ve ever been.

3. If you were to die this evening with no opportunity to communicate with anyone, what would you most regret not having told someone? Why haven’t you told them yet? This is hard, b/c the one thing I’d want to communicate, I maintain that have before. Indirectly. If you read through the lines. And were a mind reader. And knew me extremely well. And understand me. So I guess that I’d have to be more direct, even though in my opinion, it’s obvious. And I haven’t been clearer before because I’m a wimp afraid of getting hurt. Satisfied now? Bloody bastards.

4. If you could spend one year in perfect happiness but afterwards would remember nothing of the experience would go do so? I not, why not? No. See me earlier post on Alzheimer’s. That’s hell to me. Nothing is worth that. Even a year of perfect happiness. Besides, from The Last Unicorn, men don’t always know when they are happy. It’s usually in hindsight that I realized I was content. So taking away that hindsight, you might as well take away the experience.

5. If a new medicine were developed that would cure arthritis, but case a fatal reaction in 1% of those who took it, would you want it to be released to the public? Gosh, 1% isn’t that much, but the seriousness of "fatal" is. I think I would go with no in this case. Arthritis is painful at times, but there are already things that lessen that pain. It’s an easier answer for something like cancer or even MS. But not arthritis. And I apologize to all who suffer from it. My knees have a minor case. But it ain't worth it. 

6. You discover that your wonderful one-year-old child is, because of a mix up at the hospital, not yours. Would you want to exchange the child to try to correct the mistake? No, but I would want to be involved in my biological child’s life and have my child’s biological parents also involved in my child’s life. But after 52 weeks, 365 days of bonding, I could not give my child up, even for DNA.

7. Do you think the world will be a better or worse place 100 years from now? Worse. I guess that makes my cynical, and I’ve been accused of being an idealist, so what does that say. And I don’t even mean things like the economy, environment, keeping people alive by machine, disease, or anything like that. But the simple things. I can drive down the road and not see any kids outside. When I was young, I was always outside. We played soccer, baseball, football in the streets, moving as the cars would drive down the street. (In fact, I’ve got the scare to prove it.) There are no more late night games of Ghost in the Graveyard. No Hide And Seek. It’s like the Lee Pits article, Things I Wish For You. The fact that kids don’t PLAY anymore, that’s worse. Technology makes things better.

Things I Wish For You - Lee Pits
We tried so hard to make things better for our kids that we made them worse. For my grandchildren, I'd like better.
I'd really like for them to know about hand me down clothes and homemade ice cream and leftover meat loaf sandwiches. I really would.
I hope you learn humility by being humiliated, and that you learn honesty by being cheated.
I hope you learn to make your own bed and mow the lawn and wash the car.
And I really hope nobody gives you a brand new car when you are sixteen.
It will be good if at least one time you can see puppies born and your old dog put to sleep.
I hope you get a black eye fighting for something you believe in.
I hope you have to share a bedroom with your younger brother/sister. And it's all right if you have to draw a line down the middle of the room,but when he wants to crawl under the covers with you because he's scared, I hope you let him.
When you want to see a movie and your little brother/sister wants to tag along, I hope you'll let him/her.
I hope you have to walk uphill to school with your friends and that you live in a town where you can do it safely.
On rainy days when you have to catch a ride, I hope you don't ask your driver to drop you two blocks away so you won't be seen riding with someone as uncool as your Mom.
If you want a slingshot, I hope your Dad teaches you how to make one instead of buying one.
I hope you learn to dig in the dirt and read books.
When you learn to use computers, I hope you also learn to add and subtract in your head.
I hope you get teased by your friends when you have your first crush on a boy\girl, and when you talk back to your mother that you learn what ivory soap tastes like.
May you skin your knee climbing a mountain, burn your hand on a stove and stick your tongue on a frozen flagpole.
I don't care if you try a beer once, but I hope you don't like it. And if a friend offers you dope or a joint, I hope you realize he is not your friend.
I sure hope you make time to sit on a porch with your Grandma/Grandpa and go fishing with your Uncle.
May you feel sorrow at a funeral and joy during the holidays.
I hope your mother punishes you when you throw a baseball through your neighbor's window and that she hugs you and kisses you at Hannukah/Christmas time when you give her a plaster mold of your hand.
These things I wish for you - tough times and disappointment, hard work and happiness. To me, it's the only way to appreciate life.

8. Would you rather be a member of a world championship sports team or be the champion of an individual sport? What sport would you choose? Team. I love people. And baseball. Or football. But probably baseball (I’m afraid of getting hit too hard in football.) I love baseball. Especially if I get to choose the team and my teammates. Then I could meet Jody Gerut and be in heaven.

9. Would you accept $1,000,000 to leave this country and never set foot in it again? Absolutely not. First, who would challenge the country to get better then? Second, how would I retire? More than anything else, I want to retire and travel around the country in a Winnebago like in Travels with Charlie. That’s my dream. And $1,000,000 isn’t worth giving up my dream. Screw that, I’ll make $1,000,000 on my own.

10. Which sex do you think has it easier in our culture? Have you ever wished you were the opposite sex? Well, in terms of getting free drinks and stuff like that, women. But in terms of career, men. In terms of being able to balance career and personal lives, men. I am not sure I ever wished I was the opposite sex though. Though I do recall that in high school, I had penis envy. We had a group of about 15 or 20 people. Four girls, and the rest were guys. So when we were all together, it was ok, but every so often, the guys would do male bonding, and we were so jealous. What were they doing? Why couldn’t we go? We were like one of the guys, right? Evidently, though we were like one of the guys, there were things that we were not invited to do.

11. You are given the power to kill people simply by thinking of their deaths and twice repeating the word "goodbye." People would die a natural death and no one would suspect you. Are there situations in which you would use this power? No never. (Uncrosses fingers.) Yes, I would. This is a bad question, because I’m hot tempered, and I would use this on people that I liked. As well as the rouge people who deserve to die. But I’d be in a fight with someone over whether blue M&Ms have any appeal at all, and my Greek temper would be set off, and there would be hell to pay - literally!!

12. If you were able to live to the age of 90 and retain either the body or the mind of a 30 year old for the last 60 years of your life, which would you want? Sugar, this is not fun. We’ve again discussed my fear of Alzheimer’s, and this would be like a "cure" for me. But the problem is, staying with yourself at 30, and all your beliefs and prejudices, doesn’t let you grow any at all. And I want to grow, I just don’t want to forget what I grew from. So I’m really torn with whether my fear of forgetting is going to make me stay stagnant for 60 years. That’s pretty awful too. Fudge. I want to skip this one, because I honestly can’t imagine which is worse.

13. What would constitute a perfect evening for you? First, it's summertime. And baseball on the radio in the background, campfire burning (with S’mores, naturally), somewhere where the lulling of a river can be heard (maybe a chance to walk in the water), with some drinks and someone I love and we discuss all the interesting things in life (politics, philosophy, sports, religion, movies, current events, family, growing up, favorite everythings, biggest mistakes and worst regrets) all night long until the sun came up. (Or, it's wintertime and football is on in the background, and there is a fire in the fireplace burning, still with the S'mroes, and there is still drinks and someone I love and good conversation. And in the window, there is snowfall. But the lack of the running water makes it less perfect. And football is usually afternoon and they want evening.) But oh, and if we’re going for perfection, Jody Gerut is there too... ;-)

14. Would you rather be extremely successful professionally and have a tolerable yet unexciting private life, or have an extremely happy private life and only a tolerable and uninspiring professional life? Geesh, I have a tolerable and uninspiring professional life, but because it takes so much time to have that life, I also have a tolerable yet unexciting private life. You mean one of them is supposed to be rewarding? Who knew? I am not sure about this. I would like to think that I’d go for the private life, but then if I felt like a failure and pride would kick in (one of my worst sins probably), I’d probably want the professional life, and then I’d be miserable and want to go back to the private life. This is my problem in life. I don't know what I want. I am a walking contradiction. I'm an enigma wrapped inside a puzzle inside a mystery, not because I try to be, but because I have no friggin' idea what I want in life. What I want to be when I grow up. Who I want to be when I grow up. When this mysterous "growing up" occurs. I'm off topic. I do that. Hmm...I would rather be extremely.

15. Whom do you admire most? In what way does that person inspire you? You know, I bet that I once could answer this questions, but now I can’t. And it’s not that I don’t think that there are admirable people in the world anymore, it’s that I am not sure I’m inspired anymore. And you thought I was going to say Jody Gerut, didn't you??

Flag Burning

There are no words for my disgust right now.  Wait, here’s the same article but isn’t Fox news. I have to support anything that isn’t Fox. The entire purpose of the proposed amendment is to put people in jail who are expressing their opposition to the US government - and one of the best way to do can be to burn the flag. Basically, this law, or a similar law, would have peaceful demonstrators thrown in jail because someone doesn’t like the WAY that they peacefully protest. Other than the fact that the jails are already overcrowded with REAL criminals, this is completely unconstitutional to do so in a free country. In fact, it’s not the act of flag burning itself that raises ire - in fact, the only way to dispose of a flag is to burn it. No, the act isn’t wrong - it’s the motivation, the thoughts, the purpose. We don’t like what you are gonna say, so we ain’t gonna let you say it.

In 1989, the U.S. Supreme Court, in Texas v. Johnson, 491 U.S. 397 (1989) held that flag burning was "expressive conduct" protected by the First Amendment Bill of Rights and that the conduct itself did not constitute fighting words. Penned by Justice Brennan, who I believe to be a (lower case) god, "If there is a bedrock principle underlying the First Amendment, it is that the government may not prohibit the expression of an idea simply because society finds the idea itself offensive or disagreeable." Boo yah.

Now after Johnson, them smart Congress kin passed the Flag Protection Act that made flag burning a federal offense. The Supreme Court gave a big Fuck You to Congress in United States V. Eichman, 496 U.S. 310 (1990) and overturned the statute. (Despite this, lots of states still have it on their books.)  See here.

Anyway, after several attempts to pass throw laws in recent years, it comes up again, in an election year. How convenient. How political (say that last word with the appropriate disgust, the kind I usually save for the words "attorney" or "lawyer.")

Now I know that there are all sorts of silly people who think that because I support the right of individuals to burn the flag (or because I don’t support the war or Bush) that I am anti-American and should leave the country. Even some in my own family. Bite me. Being a liberal and questioning the government (read: not being brainwashed and not blindly accepting everything one is told) does not mean that one is inherently was not a patriot. Last time I checked, we were still a free country. We were still the country that was founded because they questioned the (English) government at that time and refused to accept for the sake of accepting, right? Besides, "the tree of liberty must be refreshed from time to time with the blood of patriots and tyrants.")

37 Simple Things You Can Do To Turn A Burning Love Into A Living Hell

So I just moved, and I’m unpacking. Which means some things like footlockers, which haven’t been unpacked (or even opened, I think!) since my freshman year of college. And I’m finding all sorts of random things. Things I don’t understand why I saved. Today’s installation:

37 Simple Things You Can Do To Turn A Burning Love Into A Living Hell

by Lew (This was in the June issue of Sassy magazine (pgs. 56-57). I’m guessing it was ‘92 because they talk about the ‘90, George Bush, and the Gulf War. Of course, two of those could make it '04.)  (colors in original)

So you’ve found a person who positively grills your cheese. In fact, your cheese is so grilled that whenever you and he get together, the vibe can only be described as bubbly and golden brown. As you’ve probably noticed, however, there are no instrument panel warning lights to tell you when romantic matters are on the verge of a meltdown. The following 37 tips could help in the "ounce of prevention = pound of cure" department. These aren’t rules and they’re not advice, they’re more along the lines of common sense described as sarcasm.*

*sar-casm/Sar-kas-em/ as in irony, biting wit, not to be taken seriously.

1. Don’t tell the truth, the whole truth and nothing but..well you know. Just say whatever's gonna get you through with as little inconvenience and aggravation as possible.

2. Date the poor sod thinking you do in fact have a chance in hell of changing all the things you don’t like.

 3. Its sassy to recycle, but don’t limit yourself to paper or plastic. even if you've long ago resolved an argument, dredge the issue up again and again. This is also a great technique to employ when you're busy arguing about something else entirely.

4. When confronted with a situation, phenomenon or person you don’t fully understand, by all means jump the most negative of conclusions. The more unfounded assumptions, the better. For example, if he says last night he was "hanging out with a friend", assume that he really means "my new girlfriend."

5. Remember: Telling your loved one your deepest fears, insecurities and anxieties means you will be laughed at and ridiculed. So don’t bother letting him know what you're thinking. Besides what are you trying to do, bum him out?

 
6. Be serious at all times, because you're not as funny as you think you are. It's ok for a girl to laugh at her boyfriends jokes, but she should never subject him to her infantile sense of humor.

7. Be embarrassed about his acne, low IQ or any sundry geek like traits he may have. Avoid public places, social events and friends in an attempt to hide these imperfections.

8. "Go with the flow" is a useless and cliched sound bite that does nothing more than rhyme with "drive really slow." Remain as rigid and inflexible as possible-huffiness is a real turn-on.

9. When asked,"what are we gonna do tonight"? remain apathetic. That way A) you don’t have to stick your neck out by suggesting something that turns out to be a loser idea, and B) if you end up having a crappy time, you can endlessly rag on him for thinking up such a stupid idea in the first place.

10. Call him a minimum of six times a day.

11. Be frequently impatient and don’t hesitate to become especially irritated about things that have nothing to do with you and him-crappy weather, lame song on the radio, long lines at the supermarket checkout.

12. Go out with him because he drives a bitchin' camaro, and you look really good in the front seat.

13. Should he buy you a chain saw or a hat with plastic fruit around the brim for your birthday, act like you adore it, then entomb it in the depths of your closet. Forever.

14. Appear to be as perfect as an android. One slip, one indication that you're anything less than a symphony of corrections, and he will drop you like a name in a gossip column.

15. Be spineless and bow at his every command. Guys are really into this- it’s a carryover thing from childhood. The last toy most boys outgrow before getting their first girlfriend are those little radio controlled cars.

16. Have sex if one (or both) of you isn’t ready for it yet. Live for the moment, man. And don't worry: Doctors can fix anything these days.

17. Make "do it to him before he does it to you" your battle cry. Trust, that trivial and prehistoric concept, is not of concern to a hip ‘90 chick like yourself.

18. Resist expressing opinions that you think he may not agree with. Why rock the boat? He's probably right anyway.

19. Forever try to cover up all those small (or Herculean) fibs you told during the larval stage of your relationship. Like your guitar virtuosity, or your cousin in Metallica. He'll probably never even bring them up again.

20. By all means, take him with you when you go clothes shopping.

 21. If his feet reek, ignore it rather than gently introducing him to the concept of soap.

22. Constantly compare your relationship to those people around you: "Julie's sooooo lucky. her boyfriend's taking her to Delaware for summer vacation. I’d give anything to be her".

23. Assume he doesn’t love you when for instance, he refuses to switch to your macrobiotic diet. He obviously doesn’t understand the word commitment.

24. Vote for George Bush. [FRIGHTENING how that is still valid 12 years later!!)

25. Talk about ex-boyfriends the way you talk about your favorite food or holiday: often and in great detail.

26. If he has a particular, make it yours too. The world is having a sort of "people with problems" drought right now.

27. Don’t just playfully riv him about his past membership in the cub scouts. Make hm feel like a heel for ever participating in anything that didn’t literally throb with the essence of cool. While you're at it, regularly diss all the trollops and airheads he went out with prior to meeting you.

28. Tell him his driving sucks.

29. Understand that if he buys you a size 12 skirt and you wear a size 5, it’s a hint that you look like a beached whale. Despite anything you might have heard, guys are actually very knowledgeable when it comes to girls sizing.

30. Never forget this formula: Boyfriend=cash flow. He's buying.

31. Its really important that you spend plenty of time together, so be prepared to drop your interests and wholeheartedly pursue his instead (full contact kick-boxing, collecting the operation desert storm trading cards series, et all).

32. Keep anger and frustration to yourself-it’s so alienating and unattractive. Instead, let it build inside and then erupt when he puts too much mayo on your tuna fish sandwich.

33. Cry a lot without explaining why. Creative use of tension will have him eating out of your hand.

34. If he tells you something really secret tell only your best, best, best friends. He'll understand.

35. Decide that you will be his wardrobe consultant and dress him according to your tastes and current clothing industry trends. Eell, he wants to look cool, doesn’t he?

36. Remember that sex is a tool to be used to extract positive reactions, material goods and long term devotion.

37. Allow him to make you feel miserable for not seeing things his way. Everybody knows guilt is the backbone of a good relationship.

Some of these suggestions contradict each other, and you’ll never be able to implement all of them, but try; we love inconsistency, mixed messages, and duplicity. Don’t you?
_ _ _ _ _
A few questions to myself in 1992
(1) Why did you save this? Was it the yellow paper it was printed on? What was going through your mind? I just don't understand my 15-16 year old self.
(2) Umm...again, it’s frightening that #24 still applies.
(3) Oh, that’s why I saved the list. I actually did #12. Oh, wait, that was a Mustang Convertible. But I guess the premise is still there.

 

OK, and check THIS out. It actually really makes me laugh. That's what I'd want to do if I were there. But you can bet Barbara (who told the 22 year old college graduates to stand up straight and keep their hair out of their eyes) was mortified!