37 Simple Things You Can Do To Turn A Burning Love Into A Living Hell

So I just moved, and I’m unpacking. Which means some things like footlockers, which haven’t been unpacked (or even opened, I think!) since my freshman year of college. And I’m finding all sorts of random things. Things I don’t understand why I saved. Today’s installation:

37 Simple Things You Can Do To Turn A Burning Love Into A Living Hell

by Lew (This was in the June issue of Sassy magazine (pgs. 56-57). I’m guessing it was ‘92 because they talk about the ‘90, George Bush, and the Gulf War. Of course, two of those could make it '04.)  (colors in original)

So you’ve found a person who positively grills your cheese. In fact, your cheese is so grilled that whenever you and he get together, the vibe can only be described as bubbly and golden brown. As you’ve probably noticed, however, there are no instrument panel warning lights to tell you when romantic matters are on the verge of a meltdown. The following 37 tips could help in the "ounce of prevention = pound of cure" department. These aren’t rules and they’re not advice, they’re more along the lines of common sense described as sarcasm.*

*sar-casm/Sar-kas-em/ as in irony, biting wit, not to be taken seriously.

1. Don’t tell the truth, the whole truth and nothing but..well you know. Just say whatever's gonna get you through with as little inconvenience and aggravation as possible.

2. Date the poor sod thinking you do in fact have a chance in hell of changing all the things you don’t like.

 3. Its sassy to recycle, but don’t limit yourself to paper or plastic. even if you've long ago resolved an argument, dredge the issue up again and again. This is also a great technique to employ when you're busy arguing about something else entirely.

4. When confronted with a situation, phenomenon or person you don’t fully understand, by all means jump the most negative of conclusions. The more unfounded assumptions, the better. For example, if he says last night he was "hanging out with a friend", assume that he really means "my new girlfriend."

5. Remember: Telling your loved one your deepest fears, insecurities and anxieties means you will be laughed at and ridiculed. So don’t bother letting him know what you're thinking. Besides what are you trying to do, bum him out?

 
6. Be serious at all times, because you're not as funny as you think you are. It's ok for a girl to laugh at her boyfriends jokes, but she should never subject him to her infantile sense of humor.

7. Be embarrassed about his acne, low IQ or any sundry geek like traits he may have. Avoid public places, social events and friends in an attempt to hide these imperfections.

8. "Go with the flow" is a useless and cliched sound bite that does nothing more than rhyme with "drive really slow." Remain as rigid and inflexible as possible-huffiness is a real turn-on.

9. When asked,"what are we gonna do tonight"? remain apathetic. That way A) you don’t have to stick your neck out by suggesting something that turns out to be a loser idea, and B) if you end up having a crappy time, you can endlessly rag on him for thinking up such a stupid idea in the first place.

10. Call him a minimum of six times a day.

11. Be frequently impatient and don’t hesitate to become especially irritated about things that have nothing to do with you and him-crappy weather, lame song on the radio, long lines at the supermarket checkout.

12. Go out with him because he drives a bitchin' camaro, and you look really good in the front seat.

13. Should he buy you a chain saw or a hat with plastic fruit around the brim for your birthday, act like you adore it, then entomb it in the depths of your closet. Forever.

14. Appear to be as perfect as an android. One slip, one indication that you're anything less than a symphony of corrections, and he will drop you like a name in a gossip column.

15. Be spineless and bow at his every command. Guys are really into this- it’s a carryover thing from childhood. The last toy most boys outgrow before getting their first girlfriend are those little radio controlled cars.

16. Have sex if one (or both) of you isn’t ready for it yet. Live for the moment, man. And don't worry: Doctors can fix anything these days.

17. Make "do it to him before he does it to you" your battle cry. Trust, that trivial and prehistoric concept, is not of concern to a hip ‘90 chick like yourself.

18. Resist expressing opinions that you think he may not agree with. Why rock the boat? He's probably right anyway.

19. Forever try to cover up all those small (or Herculean) fibs you told during the larval stage of your relationship. Like your guitar virtuosity, or your cousin in Metallica. He'll probably never even bring them up again.

20. By all means, take him with you when you go clothes shopping.

 21. If his feet reek, ignore it rather than gently introducing him to the concept of soap.

22. Constantly compare your relationship to those people around you: "Julie's sooooo lucky. her boyfriend's taking her to Delaware for summer vacation. I’d give anything to be her".

23. Assume he doesn’t love you when for instance, he refuses to switch to your macrobiotic diet. He obviously doesn’t understand the word commitment.

24. Vote for George Bush. [FRIGHTENING how that is still valid 12 years later!!)

25. Talk about ex-boyfriends the way you talk about your favorite food or holiday: often and in great detail.

26. If he has a particular, make it yours too. The world is having a sort of "people with problems" drought right now.

27. Don’t just playfully riv him about his past membership in the cub scouts. Make hm feel like a heel for ever participating in anything that didn’t literally throb with the essence of cool. While you're at it, regularly diss all the trollops and airheads he went out with prior to meeting you.

28. Tell him his driving sucks.

29. Understand that if he buys you a size 12 skirt and you wear a size 5, it’s a hint that you look like a beached whale. Despite anything you might have heard, guys are actually very knowledgeable when it comes to girls sizing.

30. Never forget this formula: Boyfriend=cash flow. He's buying.

31. Its really important that you spend plenty of time together, so be prepared to drop your interests and wholeheartedly pursue his instead (full contact kick-boxing, collecting the operation desert storm trading cards series, et all).

32. Keep anger and frustration to yourself-it’s so alienating and unattractive. Instead, let it build inside and then erupt when he puts too much mayo on your tuna fish sandwich.

33. Cry a lot without explaining why. Creative use of tension will have him eating out of your hand.

34. If he tells you something really secret tell only your best, best, best friends. He'll understand.

35. Decide that you will be his wardrobe consultant and dress him according to your tastes and current clothing industry trends. Eell, he wants to look cool, doesn’t he?

36. Remember that sex is a tool to be used to extract positive reactions, material goods and long term devotion.

37. Allow him to make you feel miserable for not seeing things his way. Everybody knows guilt is the backbone of a good relationship.

Some of these suggestions contradict each other, and you’ll never be able to implement all of them, but try; we love inconsistency, mixed messages, and duplicity. Don’t you?
_ _ _ _ _
A few questions to myself in 1992
(1) Why did you save this? Was it the yellow paper it was printed on? What was going through your mind? I just don't understand my 15-16 year old self.
(2) Umm...again, it’s frightening that #24 still applies.
(3) Oh, that’s why I saved the list. I actually did #12. Oh, wait, that was a Mustang Convertible. But I guess the premise is still there.

 

OK, and check THIS out. It actually really makes me laugh. That's what I'd want to do if I were there. But you can bet Barbara (who told the 22 year old college graduates to stand up straight and keep their hair out of their eyes) was mortified!